Order has been restored in Seattle

Last updated on: December 29, 2014 at 8:59 pm by Mark Shea

Order has been restored in Seattle 2014-12-29T20:59:50-07:00 Mark Shea

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

After the Great Seattle Wifi Riot, I’ve seen a side of humanity that I never thought I’d witness here in tranquil suburbia. Those of us able to escape the McDonalds fled, our precious laptops and personal electronic devices tucked under our raingear. In the distance, we could hear the receding screams of the mob that had decided to charge the police. Distant sparks from exploding Personal Electronic Devices illuminated the dismal Washington afternoon. We refugees trudged on in silence, avoiding the bloody scene at the Starbucks (though I got as close as I could and scanned the wounded and dying for the sight of my family’s faces and, to my relief, they were not there). Finally, “Cash”, the natural leader of our group, bade us follow him to the Cinnebarre, a movie theatre for hipsters in the neighborhood, with full wifi access for latte-sipping dilletantes in the lobby.

We trekked past the burning cars, the smashed windows of the pharmacy, the gutted strip malls with quotes from the Kardashians spray-painted on them. The nightmare march lasted nearly five minutes and I was almost beginning to be winded when we finally reached the theatre. Inside, terrified staff with blue hair and multiple piercings had blocked the doors with trash cans and gumball machines in a vain effort to keep us out. But the glass doors were no match for our Docker’s boots and we were soon inside. We took hostages, of course, since it was just a matter of time before the IP police noticed the surge in logons and surrounded the building.

I was able to briefly check my email and make a number of important transactions with my Nigerian financiers. A man next to me seemed to be able to catch some online poker action. And a number of teenage girls seemed to find happiness dissing Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber for a few brief, shining moments. But then the lights went dead with the WIFI and suddenly a hundred headlights from armored assault vehicles were shining through the front of the building and bullhorns were telling us to come out peacefully. “Disperse, ye rebels!” said the cops.

Somewhere in the dark, a child whimpered.

After seeing the horrors that had just unfolded at Mickey D’s I decided I’d seen enough violence for one day. So I headed for the door. “Who’s with me?” I said to the sullen mob in the lobby. Nobody moved.

“Can’t you see how futile this is?” I cried. “There’s nothing for it but to go back to our homes and…. talk to one another. Maybe read a book.”

The crowd shifted uncomfortably and people looked up from their blue screens of death like coma victims reacting to a loved one’s voice, their grey faces and sagging mouths inert but with a slight glitter of recognition in their eyes.

“Why don’t we just walk back to our houses, put on some tea, and see if we can find our family members?”

The crowd stirred. “Sandy”, said one man. “That’s the name of the woman I married. I remember now! Sandy”

“Brad?” said a woman from across the lobby. “Is that you?” The two looked at each other with dawning awareness. “Aren’t we married to each other?” They said in unison. “Mommy? Daddy?” said two young teen girls. “Is that you?”

It was like a dam broke. Suddenly everybody dropped their personal electronic devices and started talking to each other. I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned around. It was Jan and the boys! It turned out they had been with me the whole time. But since the last time I had looked away from my computer was in 2002, the boys were now young men and Jan had changed her hair. We embraced and left the building hand in hand, laughing and talking. We came home and had a lovely dinner together.

This morning, WIFI was restored at our house. I need to be sure to put a newer photo of the family on my Facebook page.

So, I’m back.

And now I’m playing catchup on email. So I’ll still be scarce.

Uncategorized

Technical difficulties

Previous Post

October 1, 2013

Huzzah! The Next Installment of Mike Flynn's Epic Tale...

Next Post

October 1, 2013 Ask.com is evil

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Uncategorized

Select a Month May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 September 2006 June 2006 July 2005 April 2005 May 2002 April 2002 0000

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz