The Jerk Has an Intriguing Proposal

Last updated on: December 30, 2014 at 11:01 am by Mark Shea

The Jerk Has an Intriguing Proposal 2014-12-30T11:01:54-07:00 Mark Shea

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Reader “The Jerk” holds forth at various places around St. Blogs, bringing his own unique perspective to things. The other day, to my delight, he favored me with an email. I now share it with you in preparation for Election Day. He writes:

Do you think it’s OK if I sell my vote? I can’t really bring myself to vote for either of the major party candidates, and I was planning to vote third party, (or maybe Joe Schriner’s lower, like fifth party.)

Anyway, the other day I figured, “I’m an American, damnit, so why not get something for this stupid vote?”

It would be OK in terms of not voting for either candidate in order to support grave intrinsic evil, right? By voting for Romney or Obama, I’m not voting for the man, but the stuff I’m getting in return. Me getting stuff is a good. So, I’m actually doing a good thing with this scheme. Um, offer. No, no, it is a scheme.

I’m not sure how this works Constitutionally speaking, but when you think about it, I’m simply making myself a one man special interest group. I’m like the AARP, except there’s just one of me and I don’t smell like pee and apple sauce.

So, if you think it is OK to sell this vote, could you let people know? Keep in mind, I am registered to vote in an actual swing state.
My vote could be the difference. Can either candidate afford to NOT buy my vote?

Here’s a price list for any of your reader’s interested in doubling his or her vote:

One case of scotch. (But we’re talking at least Johnnie Walker Black.
Cutty Sark is not a serious offer.)

Cowboy boots, size 13.

A Wii U with some games.

A Macbook.

One of the new Ruger 1911’s. I will accept a 4th Generation Glock as a substitute. If you throw in a .38 detective special just like the one Sipowicz has in NYPD Blue, you can have my America Idol vote too.

As you can see, I’m not being greedy. Besides, I don’t think any pope ever directly said that I personally could not sell my vote.

Your pal,

The Jerk

I see absolutely no moral difficulties with this at all. As our Ruling Class on both sides of the aisle make clear in thought, word, and deed, the entire purpose of politics is to enrich oneself conscience and decency be damned, so why not get in on the game? And, as the Jerk astutely points out, if the Church does not specifically declare, pronounce and define on some specific point of morality (such as, say, issuing a formal definition that “waterboarding is torture”) then that means we are totally free to say and do whatever disgusting thing we like and call it a “prudential judgement”, confident that “prudential” is Latin for “feel free to ignore the Church, common sense, and ordinary human decency in favor of whatever you feel like doing.” Well done, Jerk! You’ve pointed the way to new path to reinvigorating the economy! Why should the people we vote for be the *only* ones who get to sell their conscience, their country and their souls to the highest bidder? Why not We the People too? After all, as I am assured, it is prissy narcissism to think about the impact that voting has on the soul of the voter. The only thing that matters is winning! So why not win and turn a handsome profit at the same time?

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