Holes in the Whole

Last updated on: February 14, 2026 at 5:48 pm by Rob Giannamore

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Holes in the Whole 2026-02-14T17:48:46-05:00 Rob Giannamore

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Belongingness is a universal human need. No matter how anti-social you may see yourself, at your core, at some level you still long for belonging. I was at a conference last weekend, another in the many I have been at over my career looking at how we can get more people to engage in dying institution, the church. For many in our churches and in society in general, you have become holes in the whole, faces and lives unseen

We Have Built Ourselves Up Based on Our Appearances

Developmental psychology and the concept of adolescence are relatively recent in human history. Almost all societies recognize adolescence as a stage of human development. But while there are many commonalities across cultures for this stage, there are also many differences, ranging from the length of adolescence, expectations for behavior, and the presence of special rites of passage Having worked with children for over 25 years, I believe there is no single moment when kids begin judging each other, forming cliques, or becoming moody. While hormones become more pronounced during the teen years for both boys and girls, in general, all children are simply children.

Adolescents go through a phase where they are pining to alter the way the world sees them. There is an internal and external wrestling match that goes on with them where they think they are not pretty/handsome enough, smart enough, good enough. Eventually, at some level, these kids will “outgrow” this as they mature into their later adolescence and start getting after the next steps of their lives. For some, these kids do not outgrow this, and these feelings of inadequacy linger, and these lies they tell themselves become problematic and untrue parts of themselves.

When your image is built on lies and a perceived sense of self determined by the world around you rather than how God sees you, you will find yourself to be incomplete. This incompleteness will cause an anxiety or depression that can linger until either you get sick of it and come see someone like me or you turn everyone around you away and see others as the problem rather than looking deeply at yourself.

Looking deeply at yourself requires deep shadow work. I just had a conversation with a client yesterday about why they do the things they do. I helped the client begin to see how a long past of emotional abandonment by parents leading to an altered sense of self has led the client the patterns of toxic relationships they are currently engaging in.

You are Loved

There is a lot of division and divisiveness in our society. Everyone wants to talk about it like this is the worst it has ever been. I am a student of history, of all the history, both church and world. People largely are not real great animals. Scapegoating has been a problem throughout the evolution of the human experience. There always has to be someone to blame for the problems we face. Whole religious theologies like Penal Substitutionary Atonement is built on the scapegoat idea. I was really moved to think differently about the notion of scapegoating when I was introduced to Renee Girard’s last scapegoat theory. In a previous post, I offered these thoughts on Girard’s work: “For Girard, “the sacrificial victim, the scapegoat, serves as a symbolic vessel for the exorcism of collective tension and conflict. By placing the blame on this chosen entity, the community achieves a temporary sense of unity and relief. The act of scapegoating allows the community to externalize its internal conflicts onto a single target” (Deian, 2023). In America, the scapegoat is whoever either political party blames for society’s problems.

It has been proposed that as a reason for Jesus’ death, who was an innocent Jewish man, that he went to the cross as the “last scapegoat.” In Jesus going to the cross, he put on full display the lengths the Jewish religious officials, and the Roman government would go to control the population. In his death, people’s minds were changed, and this change would begin the gradual downfall of the Roman empire, the destruction of the temple, all which Jesus predicted. In a more practical sense, Jesus as the last scapegoat demonstrated God’s solidarity with all peoples that society pushed to the margins. Those who are blamed for society’s ills. Christ’s love on the cross is a statement that there are no more scapegoats. “There is no longer Jew or Greek; there is no longer slave or free; there is no longer male and female, for all of you are one in Christ Jesus. And if you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s offspring, heirs according to the promise. (Galatians 3:28-29)”

In essence, the universal love of God and the oneness we share in this love means that we are all loved and that nothing can separate this love. Regardless of how poorly your family, friends, or society treated you, you are loved. You are God’s beloved and nothing can separate you from this love.

You Belong

Furthermore, not only are you loved, but you also have a belonginess that goes beyond the earthly experience. I want to challenge you to consider the idea of “kindom”. This idea of “kindom” challenges us to reimagine our place in the world—not as isolated individuals striving for approval or belonging, but as inherently connected members of a larger, spiritual family. It suggests that our worth is not contingent upon societal expectations or fleeting achievements, but is intrinsic and affirmed by something greater than ourselves. In this kindom, the boundaries that typically divide us—status, background, appearance—dissolve, and what remains is an invitation to participate fully in the work of love, healing, and reconciliation. As we embrace this belonging, we discover the courage to be authentic and the freedom to extend that same acceptance to others, creating a more compassionate and unified community.

In closing, you belong in this world. No matter how hard the road of life has been, there is a truth that you are loved. You may be a hole in the larger narrative, but that is a construct created by society. Stepping out of this narrative, consider stepping into a kindom where love, acceptance, and unity prevail. Let this assurance guide you forward—knowing that you are seen, you are valued, and you have a unique role in fostering a community where everyone can find their wholeness.

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