Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Love, Joy, Feminism

Home
Nonreligious
Treat Having Sex with Your Husband like it’s Your Job

Treat Having Sex with Your Husband like it’s Your Job

Last updated on: June 25, 2019 at 5:00 am by Libby Anne

Treat Having Sex with Your Husband like it’s Your Job 2019-06-24T13:57:45-04:00 Libby Anne

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Just when I thought patriarchal blogger Lori Alexander couldn’t go any lower, she went and posted an article titled Your Husband’s Sexuality Is a Gift from God to You. I think my skin crawled just reading that. Still, since I’m an optimistic person who likes to think the best of people, I wondered if maybe—just maybe—this was Lori’s moment to talk about female pleasure. No. It’s not. I’m definitely way too optimistic.

Lori starts by clarifying that the post is actually written not by her, but by a commenter on her earlier post, She Would Give Anything to Be Desired By Her Husband. But clearly, Lori is endorsing it 100%.

The commenter went by the name Mother Dearest, so that is what I’m going to call her. Mother Dearest starts her comment as follows:

There is a lie that has gone out into the world, from the very depths of hell. It tells women that to be chaste whilst single is stifling but sex in marriage is boring. It fits in neatly with the larger feminist message that for a woman to be under the authority of her own husband is utter enslavement but for her to be under the authority of several other men: her boss, her clients, her welfare officers, her shrink, her pastor (yes, some have unbiblical authority over women) is liberation.

Where in the blazes do people come up with this? Literally zero feminists teach that “to be chaste whilst single is stifling but sex in marriage is boring.”

Mother Dearest’s comment is laced with a lack of awareness of what feminism is, as well as a willingness to play fast and loose with terminology. For example, yes, employees are managed by their bosses—but they are not bound to submit to their bosses in all areas of life, HR places limits on what bosses can do, and women can quit and find another job if they have a boss they don’t like.

None of this is the same as what patriarchalists like Lori and Mother Dearest prescribe for married women—i.e., complete and absolute submission to their husbands.

But let’s return to Mother Dearest:

On TV, sex outside marriage is largely depicted as glamorous and fun but sex inside of marriage is invariably depicted as ranging from dull and sporadic to downright nonexistent.

Ah. She’s not talking about feminism. She’s talking about something else entirely.

A popular entertainment technique is to juxtapose an old married couple with an unmarried pair of young attractive fornicators. Plenty of ridicule is then heaped on the married couple and especially on their ho-hum marriage bed to everyone’s applause.

What Mother Dearest is describing does not “fit neatly with the larger feminist message.” It’s something separate from feminism. It’s also not something I’ve noticed in the television media I consume; perhaps it is present in media designed for a specific audience that I am not a part of. (To the extent that this portrayal happens, it’s likely a parody of the reality that there are ups and downs in people’s sexual relationships.)

I am a-okay with patriarchal bloggers like Lori arguing that sex inside of marriage isn’t boring, and shouldn’t be portrayed as less-than or hum-drum. That is a message I have no problem with at all!

But that’s not really where we’re going.

When I speak to younger wives, I am quick to correct them for expressing exasperation about their husbands’ sex drives. This is because an older, wiser woman did me the same favor years back. She taught me that my husband’s sexuality is a gift for me from God and that I was to joyfully receive it, enjoy it, and cherish it, rather than dreading it or resigning myself to it.

I think I know what’s going on here. Let’s put Mother Dearest on pause for a moment and talk through two scenarios.

Woman A is raised in a conservative Christian home. She is taught to save sex until marriage, and becomes conscious of stigma around sexuality. She is taught that sex is something men want and women give. She is never encouraged to see herself as a sexual being. She is also taught that she is to submit to and obey her future husband, and that it will be his job to meet his sexual needs to prevent him from straying.

Woman B is raised in a progressive home. She is taught that sex is just another part of life, not something to be stigmatized; and that women as well as men are sexual beings. She is encouraged to learn about her body. She grows up expecting to have mutual sexual relationships with future partners, built on mutual pleasure and egalitarian power relationships. She is taught about consent, and that she has the right to say “no.”

Woman A marries a man raised to see men as sexual and women as responsible for filing men’s sexual needs; a man who believes that he is to be the leader in his home and his wife is to be the follower. Women B marries a man who is taught that women are sexual beings whose pleasure matters, that women do not owe him sex, and that relationships are to be egalitarian, cemented by good communication skills.

Which woman is likely to wind up exasperated about her husband’s sex drive? It’s not Woman B. It’s Woman A. Fundamentalist churches set women up to be exasperated about their husbands’ sex drives.

This post is no exception.

It’s mind boggling to think that many husbands have never known their wives’ complete, unbridled, uninhibited sexual response and sadly this has been wasted in past fornicating experiences and the wives now selfishly couldn’t be bothered to offer their husbands anything more than duty sex if any.

For a brief moment, when I read “complete, unbridled, uninhibited sexual response” I actually thought—hoped—that she was going to transition to talking about women’s sex drives and female pleasure. But no. Silly me! We didn’t go there at all. That sort of sexual response is apparently something women give men.

Next, Mother Dearest takes on women’s claim that they’re too tired for sex after a full day of caring for children, and nights peppered with breastfeeding. She says the Bible contains no such excuse.

I remember being on an island to island flight with only one flight attendant. It was a red eye flight and I could see that the attendant was having a rough morning. Her hair was not as neatly coiffed as they usually have it. Her eyes were slightly bloodshot. Her makeup was meh and her suit was creased in parts. I had a little baby on the flight and the attendant was helping me secure our seat belt so I asked her if she was fine. She said it was her day off but her colleague had been taken ill so she had been given an hour’s notice to cover the flight. She was kind and smiling the whole time. She made the requisite announcements cheerily and treated the passengers with congeniality. If this woman could show up at short notice and against all odds make every effort to treat strangers with affability, how much more should a wife rise above the usual demands of motherhood and life in general to joyfully anticipate and fully meet her husband’s sexual needs?

She makes it sound like sex work. That flight attendant was being paid to be cheerful and treat passengers with congeniality. It was her job. The one place we treat sex that way—like a job you’re paid to do, smiling and being congenial even if you’re personally feeling out of sorts or disinterested—is sex work. And even in sex work, women can still say no. They don’t have to take every job that comes their way.

And what does all of this say about men? Do men in these circles actually care only about whether their wives are acting like they’re into sex? Do they not actually care about their wives’ wellbeing at all? My husband would be horrified if I tried taking Lori’s advice, always saying “yes” and plastering on a forced smile.

It’s a matter of putting God and His Word first rather than ourselves. When God comes first, we arrange our lives to obey His commands rather than arranging our lives to put ourselves first.

How much more coercive can you get? Talk about using God as a sledgehammer.

Do what it takes to honor God and your husband, after all, if you were employed out there, you would do what it takes to get the job done.

And there it is. She went all the way.

That’s Mother Dearest’s solution. Treat it like a job. Not, explore what you like and your own sexuality and ask your husband to experiment with new ways of pleasing you. Not, communicate with your husband, letting him know that you want to have an intimate sexual relationship with him, but that it’s being hard with the kids and all. Brainstorm solutions, such as scheduling some time away for just the two of you.

Nope. None of that.

This entire view of relationships is really terrifying. Reading Mother Dearest’s words made me profoundly sad, not so much for her but for the many women who listen to her. She is spreading poison.

(You may be wondering how common these teachings are. Lori Alexander’s blog occupies a place much like Michael and Debi Pearl’s ministry. This isn’t mainstream evangelicalism (although there are many beliefs and mentalities that are shared between the two.) Lori’s world is a sort of patriarchal fundamentalism that paints college as anathema and emphasizes oversized families. Like Michael and Debi Pearl, Lori has a circumscribed but loyal following of followers who listen to her and treat her words as gospel truth.)

I have a Patreon! Please support my writing!

Evangelicalism/Fundamentalism

Patriarchy

marital rape

sex

Previous Post

June 24, 2019

Young Earth Creationists and the Flat Earth Conspiracy

Next Post

June 26, 2019 Fundigelical Advice for Women with Higher Sex Drives

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Atheism Evangelicalism/Fundamentalism Family Feminism Homeschool Meta Parenting Patriarchy Politics Purity Quiverfull Social Justice Uncategorized Worthwhile reads

Select a Month February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

According to Ecclesiastes 12, what happens to the human spirit when a person dies?

Select your answer to see how you score.

It is reincarnated It remains on earth It returns to God It ceases to exist