Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Love, Joy, Feminism

Home
Nonreligious
Answers in Genesis: Be Careful, Wayward Adult Children Are Contagious

Answers in Genesis: Be Careful, Wayward Adult Children Are Contagious

Last updated on: April 23, 2018 at 4:22 am by Libby Anne

Answers in Genesis: Be Careful, Wayward Adult Children Are Contagious 2018-04-23T04:22:13-04:00 Libby Anne

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

I grew up on Answers in Genesis and then I lost my faith, so when I came upon an Answers in Genesis article titled “Leaving Home … And God,” I knew I had to read it.

Too many pillows are soaked by the tears of parents who have tried to be consistent, to keep their kids in church, and to raise them in obedience to God’s Word, only to see them leave home, leave church, and leave God. It hurts.

So, do you know what else hurts? Watching your parents go through anguish over your spiritual decisions and feeling utterly and completely helpless.

This is a theme I’ve noticed in Christian articles for parents of children who have left the faith: they only recognize one side of the pain. Let me tell you—feeling like you are losing your parent because they cannot come to terms with you making different decisions about religion is excruciating.

And no, “just go back to their religion” is not the answer, because that is not how this works, particularly when we’re talking about a religion like evangelicalism that is beliefs-based. This isn’t the sort of thing where you can recite some prayers and go through some actions and they’ll be happy again. It’s about what you believe, inside.

Rand Hummel, the author of this Answers in Genesis article, draws on a series of verses from Jude to inform his three-part analysis of how parents should respond when their children leave the faith. Here is the first:

Some Are Playing with Fire and Must Be Warned

“And have mercy on some, who are doubting” (Jude 22, NASB).

You must show mercy to those whose faith is wavering. Show the same mercy and compassion that God has shown you. Hear them out. Tell them why you believe what you believe rather than demanding blind allegiance. It is especially vital to help them see the flaws in the secularist reasoning that surrounds them. Solomon said, “My son, give me your heart” (Proverbs 23:26). If you don’t have the heart of your children, you will never impact their lives. Go on a vacation and take time to win back their hearts. Through their times of doubt, they need patient listeners and biblical direction.

This sounds great, but in practice it doesn’t always work out that way. The problem is that because of the pain Hummel already mentioned, parents can’t always effectively initiate this process. It’s too easy for the child (of whatever age) to tell what the stakes are, which makes the conversation uncomfortable (if not impossible) from the outset.

When I began questioning some of my parents’ beliefs—starting with young earth creationism—my questions caused them so much pain that they could not talk about it. I’m not sure I could have talked about my questions with them even if they could have engaged in a conversation, because I could tell how upset they were, and that hurt.

I think it also matters that I was raised in a home that required immediate and complete obedience. When I began questioning, I was still new enough to adulthood that my parents still felt like authority figures. That meant that conversations couldn’t be equal, with true give and take. Asserting myself even in small ways, when I knew they were extremely upset with me, was like grinding gears.

Also, it’s not generally a good idea to go into a relationship assuming you can change someone. That’s not how give and take works. “Hear them out” doesn’t mean anything if you’re not willing to actually listen and consider their perspective.

Ah, but we’re not done, are we?

Some Are Falling into the Fire and Must Be Helped

“Save others, snatching them out of the fire” (Jude 23a, NASB).

Until kids are 18, you have the opportunity to put as many restraints and reminders in their paths as you can. They may hate you for it at the time, but they will thank you later. Don’t be afraid to lovingly limit their entertainment, filter their computers, or question the foolishness of their friends. Our fear of God and our love for our kids should motivate us to rescue them from even the possibility of God’s judgment.

Um … let’s just say that I’ve known multiple cases where something like this happened, and it did not go well. And no, the individuals involved did not thank their parents later.

I wonder if part of the problem here is the category questioning religion is being put in here. There are circumstances where it absolutely might be merited to put the controls in on a teenager—say, if they’re abusing drugs or into petty crime—but them questioning their faith is not one of them, and honestly, censorship isn’t going to make them for questioning your beliefs is not going to make them think any better of your beliefs.

(For the record, I’d want to talk to some experts before putting the controls down on a teen for drugs or criminal behavior, because even there I’m not sure how much external control actually helps. You can put a vase a two-year-old won’t stop knocking over in the top kitchen cupboard and have done with it, but teenagers are not two years old.)

Finally, Hummel offers this:

Some Are Being Burned by the Fire and Must Be Committed to the Lord’s Grace

“And on some have mercy with fear, hating even the garment polluted by the flesh” (Jude 23b, NASB).

EVEN IF YOUR KIDS HAVE LEFT HOME, THEY ARE NEVER OUT OF GOD’S REACH.

Even if your kids have left home, they are never out of God’s reach. When you pray, make sure God is the object of your faith. If He can change the heart of a king, He can change the heart of your child. Release your kids into His care to do whatever is necessary for them to be reconciled to Him—whatever is necessary. Be careful not to fund their sin, soften God’s chastising hand, or rescue them out of the pigsty. And always guard your own relationship with Christ against contamination. As Bible commentator William Barclay notes, “He who would cure an infectious disease always runs the risk of infection.”

I was okay until I got to those last few sentences! We’ll come back to those in a moment.

The bit about releasing your kids to God and praying for them is the one redeeming bit here. It’s what I wanted my own parents to do. I knew that I could not control my parents’ belief that I would go to hell if I were not saved any more than they could control my questioning. I wanted someone to remind them that God is in control and God is sovereign and all you can do is pray.

But then there’s the contamination and infectious disease bit, come to spoil the party. What does that mean, exactly? Is atheism contagious?

I do have one point of reference. When my parents found out I was questioning things their first response was “what are we going to tell the other kids?” I had younger siblings, you see. That comment was like a punch in the gut. It made me feel exactly like the picture Hummel is painting here—contagious. Dangerous. Something that needs to be kept at an arm’s length.

Funny, I don’t remember Jesus refusing to go near lepers or sinners for fear of contagion.

Anyway, Hummel offers this final paragraph:

Even the best parents will make mistakes, but in the end our children are responsible for their own choices. We can prepare our kids for judgment, but they will kneel alone before God. The only perfect Father is our heavenly Father, yet consider how we treat Him. “Lord, we need Your mercy for our kids and ourselves.”

Um.

Hummel suggests that parents compare the relationship between them and their children to the relationship between God and them. I understand what he’s trying to do—he’s trying to suggest that the parents in this scenario fall short of God’s desires for them too, and God is a perfect parent, so they shouldn’t be too terribly hard on their kids for failing their desires for them—but this, too, feels off.

Parents are not in the place of God in their children’s lives. Look, in general I’m pretty much okay with talking about God as father and encouraging parents to be as forgiving and loving toward their children as God is to them (although that really depends on exactly what they believe about God), I get that that’s a metaphor and metaphors can be helpful to understanding our place in the world.

But this isn’t in general.

Here we’re talking not about parents disappointing children (i.e. parents striving to be more like a loving God construct toward their children), we’re talking about children disappointing their parents—and the parents in this scenario being compared with God—when we’re talking about beliefs. This isn’t about one of your teens staining your couch after you told them not to eat on it.

Adult children’s disobedience to their parents is being equated with their people’s disobedience to God—and that makes me uncomfortable. Perhaps Hummel’s readers will focus more on the bit about praying and releasing your young adult children to God than on this, or the part about contagion, polluted garments, and infections disease.

I mean, I can hope, right?

I have a Patreon! Please support my writing!

Atheism

Evangelicalism/Fundamentalism

Answers in Genesis

Previous Post

April 23, 2018

Lesbian Duplex 168: An Open Thread

Next Post

April 24, 2018 TTUAC: In Which Michael Deals in Dysfunctional Relationships

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Atheism Evangelicalism/Fundamentalism Family Feminism Homeschool Meta Parenting Patriarchy Politics Purity Quiverfull Social Justice Uncategorized Worthwhile reads

Select a Month February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Which book is known as the "Weeping Prophet's" book?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Lamentations Jeremiah Isaiah Ezekiel