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My Life Until the Election: A Political Parable, with Dinosaurs

My Life Until the Election: A Political Parable, with Dinosaurs

Last updated on: July 20, 2016 at 8:11 am by Libby Anne

My Life Until the Election: A Political Parable, with Dinosaurs 2016-07-20T08:11:01-04:00 Libby Anne

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Guest Post by Petticoat Philosopher

ME: Holy shit, you guys, there’s a herd of hungry velociraptors coming straight for us! We need to all get in this fleet of trucks we’ve got here and drive us to safety as fast as we can!

SOME DUDES: Never! I wanted different trucks and I refuse to compromise! And I resent people like you trying to manipulate me with your threat of velociraptors!

ME: Well, nobody’s trying to manipulate you and it’s not MY threat really, because that sort of implies that I made up the velociraptors just to get you to get into one of these trucks. I mean, I wish that were true. But see they’re, like, right there. In plain sight. You can see them. They’re going to be here very soon. We’ve got to get away! Also, I wanted different trucks too but these are the trucks we’ve got so…yeah.

SD: What fearmongering is this! I will not submit!

ME: You think I’m happy about this situation? The fact is, there is actually a hell of a lot to fear! It’s fucking VELOCIRAPTORS, for Chrissake! Let’s start driving!

SD: NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE!!!!!

ME: I…don’t even understand. Do you deny that those are velociraptors? And that velociraptors EAT PEOPLE WITH NO MERCY???

SD: I’ll have you know, that this fleet of trucks has connections with Bad People! It was sent by a company that has done nefarious things!

ME: That…does not answer my question. And I would prefer for this fleet to have no such connections myself but the fact remains that they are our only hope of getting away from this oncoming herd of velociraptors. Please, get behind a wheel.

SD: These trucks produce high emissions that hurt our environment! I will NOT be part of that! I wanted electric vehicles!

ME: Um, most trucks produce unsustainably high emissions. This has been a problem for a long time, actually and many of us have been trying to do something about it for a while and we don’t have to stop just because we save ourselves with these trucks. I myself also advocated for an electric fleet but we didn’t get one because more people advocated for a traditional gas-powered fleet. Not my choice but we can’t actually advocate for improvements in vehicle emissions in the future if we’ve been eaten by velociraptors. Also, I can’t help but note that many of you have driven gas-powered vehicles before and maybe you didn’t love it but you didn’t refuse to do it. And I can’t help but notice that the only difference between these gas-powered vehicles and those ones are that these ones are pink and all the others were blue.

SD: How DARE you imply that I have a problem with pink! I have been a big supporter of pink things for years! I know all about pink issues! Allow me to explai–

ME: No, no, please don’t. Just get in a truck and start dri–

SD: And another thing! I don’t believe that this gas-powered fleet was actually wanted by the majority! I believe the results were cooked and more people wanted the electric fleet!

ME: Um…that really seems like a stretch. Anyway, even if some shady stuff happened, I very much doubt that it would have been so much that, actually, more people wanted the electric fleet than wanted the gas-powered fleet, rather than just the gas-powered fleet winning by a smaller margin. And even if that WERE true, which there is not evidence to support, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s all over now, you and I are not going to get the fleet that we wanted, and these trucks are the only hope we have of getting away from these fucking velociraptors!

SD: Nononononononono, I will not bend!

ME: Look, I and the other willing drivers can’t do this all ourselves, okay? We need ALL able drivers to pull this off and this isn’t all about you either. Many of us here are not old enough to drive. And others among us are old enough to drive and ought to be able to drive but, due to being victims of past velociraptor attacks, might find it difficult or impossible to drive. And maybe you can just outrun those velociraptors but those who have been injured in our velociraptor-overrun society probably can’t and will probably end up being the first ones eaten! So everybody who can drive has to drive so we can all get away!

SD: Yes, well, even if we escape this velociraptor attack, we will still have lots of problems!

ME: Yes, I know. But at least we’ll actually, like, be here to be able to try to solve those problems, and our society will not have been culled of so many of the people who have faced the biggest injuries from velociraptors and still face the biggest threat from velociraptors and will play an important role in developing solutions to keep themselves and all of us safe from predators and other problems–like, you know, trucks being controlled by companies that do not have the people’s interests at heart. Which, again, is also not a problem unique to this pink fleet, just sayin.’

SD: These trucks are just as bad as hungry, man-eating dinosaurs!

ME: I…what?

SD: I BET THE COMPANY THAT SENT THESE TRUCKS ALSO SENT THE VELOCIRAPTORS JUST SO WE WOULD DRIVE THEIR TRUCKS!!! I READ IT ON THE INTERNET!!!

ME: I…don’t even know what to say to that.

SD: LALALALALALALALALALA!!!!!

ME: Or for crying out loud, do you or do you not see the herd of very hungry, very sharp-toothed velociraptors that is running in our direction in plain sight? What the fuck else do you propose we do to get away from them?

SD: REFRIGERATOR HIPPOPOTAMUS HARPSICHORD CUCUMBER!!!!

Me: Oh Jesus, just get in the back then. Those of us with sense will TRY to do all the driving ourselves. I really, really hope this works and if it does, you’re welcome.

SD: SELL-OUTS!!!!!!!!

Me: Uh huh, fine. Call us what you want, you’re counting on us to drive you to safety so we can actually fucking continue living and doing good work.

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