Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Love, Joy, Feminism

Home
Nonreligious
Mothers are NOT always right

Mothers are NOT always right

Last updated on: September 1, 2015 at 8:08 am by Libby Anne

Mothers are NOT always right 2015-09-01T08:08:15-04:00 Libby Anne

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Humans of New York has been visiting Iran recently, and this story of a mother and daughter just popped up in my feed:

I’m glad this woman’s daughter is okay, though I’m bothered by the fact that she seems to care more about the fact that she was right about her daughter’s boyfriend being bad news than she does about the fact that her daughter is now safe and no longer in an abusive relationship. It’s not so much “I’m glad you’re safe and happy now” as it is “I told you so.” And can you say embarrassing?

But I’m more bothered by the vast majority of the comments on this post, which run along these lines:

Seriously, go read more of the comments and this is what you will find over and over and over again. Moms are always right.

Well you know what? My mother warned me about my boyfriend too. She told me in no uncertain terms that I should break up with him. She told me that he was bad news. And you know what? I have now been happily married by my boyfriend for half a dozen years and then some. My mother was wrong. She was wrong about my boyfriend and she was wrong about me.

Moms are not always right.

What I find perhaps most flabbergasting is that most of the people who say that moms are always right tend to be mothers. Look, I’m a mother too, and you know what? Being a mom has made me only more aware of the reality that moms are not always right. We’re just as fallible as anyone else! Sometimes I am dead wrong and my daughter is completely right. And the right thing to do, as a mom, is to acknowledge your shortcomings and limitations.

I knew moms weren’t always right even as a little girl, because the punishments my mother meted out weren’t always fair. Sometimes she was wrong and I was right and she called my attempts to explain this “back talk” and added to my punishment. This doesn’t mean my mom was some kind of monster, it means she was fallible. I’m fallible too, and I try to keep that at the forefront of my parenting. Do people grow up and forget about the times they were a kid and their mother was wrong? I seriously do not understand why we have this cultural narrative that moms are always right.

But wait! Children are still learning how to navigate this great big world and they frequently get things wrong and/or need advice, yes? Absolutely! But “mom is always right” is the absolutely wrong narrative to give kids. Instead, we need to encourage them to seek advice from individuals they respect, and who respect them and treat them well in turn. Take a look at this comment, for instance:

Not only is it sometimes important to make your own mistakes, as this commenter points out, but the individuals we go to for advice and input before making our own decisions shouldn’t be limited to mothers. Instead, we should seek advice and input from those we trust. This may include mothers, yes, but depending on the person it may also (or instead) include fathers, grandparents, aunts or uncles, neighbors, bosses, teachers, and family friends. The way we privilege mothers in our narratives isn’t just a problem for those whose mothers are manipulative, controlling, or abusive, it also means we place less value on other relationships.

Our narratives about mothers can also easily veer into toxic entitlement, as we see in this comment on the same post:

Um, no. We do not owe our mothers our conversation or our confidence. Those have to be earned.

I don’t know whether the Iranian daughter described above stopped talking to her mother because her mother acted like she could tell her what to do and that became toxic or because her abusive boyfriend decided to isolate her after hearing of her mother’s objections, but whichever it was, a mother who would refuse to take her daughter back for this would be petty to the extreme, and likely emotionally abusive. And yet somehow, commenters like this one see that as normative.

Now look at the contrast between that last comment and this one:

Yes. This is the proper framing. I know that my children will make mistakes in life. My goal is simply to be there for them. I will give them advice and then let them make their own decisions. If they ignore my advice and that lands them in trouble, I will not say “I told you so.” If they ignore my advice and things end up fine for them, well, the reality is that I will not always know what is best for them. Their decisions need to be theirs.

I am not saying mothers have an obligation to always be there for their kids no matter what. Sometimes children grow up to become manipulative or controlling or abusive adults. What I am saying is that mothers should not condition being their for their children on their children always following their advice or on their children declaring them always right. All children, but especially adult children, need space to be their own people, form their own decisions, and yes, make their own mistakes.

I once had a landlady whose daughter had an abusive boyfriend. My landlady warned her daughter up front, but when her daughter made it clear that she saw nothing wrong with her boyfriend’s behavior and wasn’t leaving, my landlady didn’t press the issue and focused instead on being there for her daughter. The result was that, unlike in the story of the Iranian woman at the top of this post, her daughter never stopped speaking with her. After several years my landlady’s daughter finally came to understand that her boyfriend was abusive. When she left him she went straight to her mother for help and support. There was no “I told you so” and there was no break between mother and daughter to mend.

Now that is a story worth telling.

Previous Post

August 30, 2015

We Are Not All Josh Duggar

Next Post

September 2, 2015 A Quiverfull of Definitions

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Atheism Evangelicalism/Fundamentalism Family Feminism Homeschool Meta Parenting Patriarchy Politics Purity Quiverfull Social Justice Uncategorized Worthwhile reads

Select a Month February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who said, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me"?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Paul James Peter John