Part of Parenting Is Letting Go (School Edition)

Last updated on: August 1, 2015 at 10:24 am by Libby Anne

Part of Parenting Is Letting Go (School Edition) 2015-08-01T10:24:49-04:00 Libby Anne

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School approaches, and in my Facebook feed I’ve seen many posts by moms sending their children off to kindergarten for the first time. They’re worried. They’re scared. They talk about crying over their impending separation, and about wondering if maybe they should keep their children home a few more years—homeschooling is better known, now, especially among the more progressive hippie types who grace my friend list. The tenor at school orientation was similar.

On some level this feels familiar. My mother homeschooled me for kindergarten because the only option was full-day kindergarten and she couldn’t bear to send me. Was I ready? I was still so little! I still took naps! I have since met other homeschooling parents who began homeschooling for the same reason—they couldn’t stand to send their little girl off to school all day, and besides, she still took naps, and wouldn’t that be a problem in full-day kindergarten?

But now, I’m here to say don’t. Don’t assume your child is too little, or too young. There’s a decent chance you may be imputing your own fears and worries onto your kid. In fact, many of the mothers worried about whether their children will be able to handle school have also said that their children are excited about going. Looking back, I don’t think I was too young for full day kindergarten at all. I was an oldest child, and tended to be advanced. I suspect my mother simply had a problem letting go—and judging by my current Facebook feed, so do many moms! If that’s you, I’m not here to shame you, I’m here to tell you that it’s okay. Your child can do this, and so can you.

I’m not saying that there are no children who would benefit from being homeschooled for their early elementary years. I know a twice-gifted girl my daughter’s age who is being homeschooled because school proved to be to overwhelming and inflexible for her, and she needed out. She’s thriving at home, and her parents are going to try putting her in school again later. But note that even in her case, her parents tried public school and only pulled her out when it was clear that it wasn’t working for her.

What I’m talking about, here, are cases where parents are worried that their perfectly ordinary kids won’t be able to handle school, and I’m seeing it primarily in progressive circles, the world of longterm nursing, baby wearing, and cosleeping. I sometimes wonder if these things become part of a sort of hyper helicopter parenting. I sometimes wonder if attachment parenting makes separation feel dangerous.

Forming a strong emotional bond with your young child—creating trust and security—is indeed important! But so is beginning the process of letting them go. Because that’s what parenting is, isn’t it? It’s about keeping your child safe and equipping them with the information and skills they need in life while letting them gradually separate from you in preparation of becoming their own autonomous adult. And if we hold on and hold on and hold on, that process can’t happen.

But isn’t school a dangerous place, on some level? Are young children equipped to deal with the challenges and difficulties they may face there? Well no, not on their own, and that’s why they have parents. We as parents are our children’s advocates. We can hold them while they cry over a spat between friends, and equip them with information, ideas, and advice. Our children will need our help as they figure out how to navigate the social dynamics of school.

Let me tell you a story. I was homeschooled from kindergarten through high school. I mostly associated with other people I already knew. The result was that I didn’t learn how to interact with people more generally—including toxic people, or unreasonable authority figures—until I was an adult living on my own. This was really, really difficult for me. It meant I had to shed my tears alone, without my mother’s shoulder to cry on, and figure out how to navigate difficult dynamics on my own, without my father giving me ideas and advice at the supper table.

In other words, sheltering our children and keeping them from conflict and pain only postpones when they will experience that conflict and pain. Is school sometimes difficult? Yes, but so is life, and isn’t life what we’re preparing them for? Now, I am absolutely not saying that children should be expected to always tough it out. There are some times when the lesson we need to teach our children is when to jump ship. Remember the friend I mentioned, who brought her twice-gifted daughter home when school when things weren’t working? There are times as adults when we have to quit a job or leave a relationship. Figuring out when to tough it out and when to leave a bad situation is a skill we need to teach our children.

But what about failing academics, bullying, inflexible teachers, and uncaring administrations? First, please do not assume that your child’s school will be identical to the school you went to. And second, do not assume that even the school you went to is the same today as it was twenty or thirty years ago. For example, schools today take bullying much more seriously than they did in the past. There was a time when the reigning narrative was basically “kids will be kids,” but that time is over. Schools today understand better how horribly detrimental bullying can be. There are now entire curriculums on bullying prevention, bullying prevention weeks, and more. Children are taught about the bystander affect, and much more.

I’m not saying every school is perfect. Far from it! While there is definitely huge change, that change can be uneven. It may be that your child’s school does not take bullying seriously, and that the administration turns a blind eye. If this is the case, you will have to figure out whether to help your child navigate the situation, jump ship, or raise a larger fuss and try to get the situation changed. This will depend on your individual child and their situation, and should involve a very heavy dose of listening to your child. I am simply saying that you shouldn’t assume your child will have a problem with bullying, even if they’re unique or quirky, and you shouldn’t assume that the administration won’t care.

Let me tell you another story. My daughter goes to one of the poorest elementary schools in our district. It’s the kind of school that’s so poor that rich neighborhoods petitioned the local government to keep their streets out of its district. But it’s also a school with an administration and teachers so caring and so responsive that families who move out of the district frequently petition to keep their children there. If I had made assumptions about this school based on its poverty level, my daughter might have missed out on the rich and caring school culture it provides.

I want to conclude this little essay by returning to an earlier point—the fear and sadness I see in many mothers as they look at their impending separation from their children. I want to start by telling two anecdotes. First, the idea that mothers should be anxious and worried as their children move toward independence is so strong that I saw one Facebook friend wonder aloud if enjoying her daughter’s independence makes her a bad mother. Yes, really! Second, in the third season of Orange Is the New Black, inmate Maria Ruiz worries about her absence from her small daughter but later tells another inmate that she realized that her young daughter didn’t need her, she needed her young daughter. Think about that for a moment!

And now, one more story. My children have been in daycare since they were little. I worried about Sally when I put her in daycare, mostly because I was raised in an anti-daycare home, but by the time Bobby rolled around the transition couldn’t have gone more smoothly. Both of my children have loved daycare, and I’ve loved having the space to work. Both of my children gained confidence in daycare, and quickly grew used to having multiple caregivers. In other words, they’ve both been separated from me for eight hours a day since they were itty bitty, and they’re okay. In fact, they’re more than okay, they’re doing great.

Our experience with daycare is part of why I suggested that mothers worried about whether their children can handle school may be imputing their own fears onto their children. After all, if my kids could handle daycare (and not only survive but thrive), their kids can handle kindergarten! Yes, I realize that it’s slightly more complicated than that, and that kindergarten is more structured than daycare, but honestly, kids are more adaptable and strong than we as parents parents give them credit for.

As parents, we need to both trust our children and help them gain confidence. Some children will be ready to head off to school without a care, others may be a bit apprehensive, and still others may be downright scared. As parents, it is our job to listen to our children and meet them where they are. We can encourage the more nervous ones, and as for the bold and fearless ones, well, we can let go with a smile. Because isn’t letting go—little by little over time—what parenting is all about?

And those parents who are simply stepping back in surprise at how big their children have gotten? That I understand perfectly!

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