Male Sexual Entitlement, Again

Last updated on: December 4, 2014 at 5:00 am by Libby Anne

Male Sexual Entitlement, Again 2014-11-22T11:14:58-04:00 Libby Anne

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

While googling something else, I recently came upon a rather horrifying article titled The Secret to Keeping Him Committed, from a Guy’s Point of View on Simon & Schuster’s Tips on Life and Love. This isn’t a religious website, but it echoes many of the ideas I heard growing up in a conservative evangelical church and community.

On a larger scale, the thing that most faithful men complain about is that they can’t get sex when they want it in a committed relationship. When a man is single or cheating, he can have sex at random or whenever he wants it. But when he’s in a committed relationship, his sexual fulfillment is based 100 percent on the clock of his woman.

Now first of all, a single or cheating man can’t have sex whenever they want it. They still have to find a woman willing to have sex with them. While famous actors or athletes may have women ready and willing to have sex with them at the drop of a hat, most men don’t. Unless he is a rapist, a man’s ability to have sex will always be constrained by women’s willingness to have sex.

As I said earlier what many women may not see is that for a faithful man, being committed to a relationship gives us a sense of entitlement to sex. If we can’t have it at our leisure, we feel rejected and no conqueror thinks he should ever be rejected. If it persists, we won’t cheat, but it can cause us to pull away from the commitment.

Not once in the article does the author suggest that this sense of entitlement is wrong. Not once does he suggest that men whose partners do not give them sex at their leisure are the ones who need to do the rethinking here rather than their partners.

Ladies, I understand that men always want sex and that can be inconvenient for a woman. Some women complain that they love having sex with their man, but they can’t keep up with giving it the way a man needs it—all the time.

What world is this guy living in?! I don’t know any men who want sex “all the time.”

In my own marriage, my husband and I have sex drives that are about equal. There are times when he’s in the mood and I’m not, but there are also times when I’m in the mood and he’s not. For a while this made me feel like something was wrong with my husband—or with me. Why would he turn down sex? It made no sense within these cultural stereotypes. I ultimately realized the problem was with the cultural stereotypes, not with me or my husband.

You know what’s interesting? In medieval Europe, women were believed to be more sexual than men. The idea that women are less sexual than men was created during the Victorian era. Our assumptions about which gender is more sexual are cultural rather than scientific.

These cultural assumptions can cause some pretty serious relationship problems. Several of my friends have confided in me that having higher sex drives than their (male) partners has made them question their sexual attractiveness, and men who are told that they are supposed to want sex constantly may feel inadequate or emasculated when they do not. We need to move away from the assumption that all men want sex all the time and that women as a group are sexually more passive and move toward a more individualistic understanding.

When a woman shows frustration, she can cause a man to feel that he isn’t welcome to have what he believes is his. Because he can’t take the cave man approach and drag her into his cave, he may retreat in frustration. This causes a lot of men to pull away over time and want to get out of the commitment where he is faced with such restriction.

First of all, we don’t actually know that cave men dragged women into caves. This is not how hunter-gatherer societies operate today, so why would we assume it would have been then? But secondly and more importantly, there is nothing in this article to suggest that men’s reaction to not having constant sexual access to their partners is unreasonable. Instead, it is treated as normal and simply the facts of life, ma’am. Sorry, but this authors’ facts of life make men feel like assholes. Is simple communication so hard?

Instead of completely turning him away, another approach is for a woman to negotiate without him knowing. Let him know that if he’s willing to wait until the more convenient time, he can have it the way he likes it. This helps him feel like he can have it if he wants, but that she will fulfill his larger desire if he nurtures her needs as well.

Or . . . they could communicate about it? Relationships are not supposed to be this mysterious thing where each partner works to trick the other into giving them what they want. They’re supposed to be reciprocal and based in communication and compromise.

There’s also way too much generalized armchair psychologizing going on here. I’ve seen this happen in evangelical settings too, as pastors and authors explain what men want and need and how women how they can give them those things. This ignores the fact that men are not all the same, and are often very different from each other. Why not ask your partner what he wants and needs instead of assuming you know because you read something in a book?

I came into marriage with a lot of assumptions about men. Almost every single one of them has proven to be false. I also found that operating on the assumption that I knew what my husband needed or wanted based on both cultural stereotypes and on the way my dad operated generally failed miserably. Our relationship improved dramatically when I stopped assuming and started communicating.

You know what’s interesting? I have found most of the messages I received about gender and relationships during my conservative evangelical upbringing echoed in mainstream culture. This is likely because both evangelicalism and mainstream culture incorporate older patriarchal assumptions. Sometimes, though, it is extremely disheartening. I had thought that I was leaving these ideas behind for good when I left my evangelical upbringing, but I wasn’t. They’re out here in mainstream culture too.

Purity

sex

Previous Post

December 3, 2014

"He'll never by the cow when he can get the milk for free"

Next Post

December 5, 2014 In Which Sally Goes to School

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Atheism Evangelicalism/Fundamentalism Family Feminism Homeschool Meta Parenting Patriarchy Politics Purity Quiverfull Social Justice Uncategorized Worthwhile reads

Select a Month February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What did King Nebuchadnezzar order everyone to worship?

Select your answer to see how you score.

The sun His crown A lion A golden statue