Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Love, Joy, Feminism

Home
Nonreligious
Raising Little Terrorists: Threats and Ultimatums Gone Wrong

Raising Little Terrorists: Threats and Ultimatums Gone Wrong

Last updated on: January 15, 2014 at 10:22 am by Libby Anne

Raising Little Terrorists: Threats and Ultimatums Gone Wrong 2014-01-15T10:22:30-04:00 Libby Anne

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

“Mommy, stop your typing right now, or I’ll color on the table with this marker.”

“Sally!” I burst out, “I will not let you threaten me like that!”

And then I had a sudden realization and my annoyance evaporated. Sally, age four, had been issuing ultimatums like this with increasing frequency over the previous week, but it was only at this moment that I put two and two together and figured out where this was coming from. Sally had learned to issue threats to get her way from me.

Stop fussing and get in the car or we won’t go for ice cream!

Clean up your toys or we won’t make cookies later!

Stop fighting over that toy with your brother or I’ll take it away!

Stop coloring on that wall or I’ll take your markers away!

Stay close and stop wandering or I’ll put you in the cart!

Yes, some of these are completely defensible, and all are understandable. But to Sally, they sound little different from “stop your typing right now, or I’ll color on the table with this marker.” To Sally, these ultimatums sound like threats—and at their core, that is what they are. They’re about telling children that if they won’t do what you want them to do, you will do something to them that they will not like. It would be akin to your spouse saying that if you do not wash the dishes, he will refuse to let you have that glass of wine you usually have once the kids are in bed, or like you telling your spouse that if he does not clean the bathroom, he cannot leave the bathroom until he does it.

Of course, these sorts of ultimatums are also lazy parenting. I issue ultimatums when I’m stressed, annoyed, or at the end of my rope. When I’m in a good place and parenting more consciously, I head these things off before they happen, I am better at listening, and I am more creative in my solutions. For instance, each of the above ultimatums can be avoided as follows:

I can see you don’t want to get in the car. Can you tell me why not?

Your toys are getting in the way. Would you like help cleaning up?

Here, let’s give your brother this toy over here to play with instead.

How about you color on the whiteboard instead? I’ll get a chair.

Would you like to help pick out the yogurt? It’s this way!

It takes a little work, but taking a deep breath, offering a cogent explanation for why I’m doing what I’m doing, and actually listening to what my children are saying with their words and actions can make all the difference in the world.

Yes, children should have limits and consequences. After all, we’re raising our children to become adults, and in the adult world there are limits and consequences? If you steal something, you can go to jail for that. If you speed, you can lose your license. But limits and consequences are not the same thing as random ultimatums issued in a moment of stress. In the adult world, the consequences we face are usually natural consequences closely tied to the offending actions. If you have too many traffic violations, you lose your license because it is not safe to have you on the road. If you murder someone, you go to jail as a danger to society. Sure, there are areas where things are off kilter in our criminal justice system, but I’m pretty sure those areas are things we shouldn’t be working to emulate in our homes.

And besides, there is no reason a family needs to be run the same way that the criminal justice system is run. In fact, there are many reasons families should not be run like the criminal justice system. Families should be about love, acceptance, and cooperation, not about upholding the letter of the law come what may. Raising children is about preparing them for the adult world, yes, but that should be done through understanding, communication, and guidance as much as through limits, boundaries, and consequences. Indeed, good parenting should involve both both boundaries and understanding.

And honestly, it is more than possible to parent with boundaries and limits in a positive way that doesn’t involve issuing ultimatums or uttering threats. Here are some contrasts to illustrate this:

Not this: Stop fighting over that toy with your brother or I’ll take it away!

But this: Sally, I see that you and Bobby are fighting over this toy. We decided that if you and Bobby are fighting over a toy, we will put it away in the closet so that you can both have time to calm down, remember? I’m going to put the toy up now.

Not this: Clean up your toys or we won’t make cookies later!

But this: Sally, I know you want to make cookies, and I think that’s something we can do. But what did we decide we have to do to before we start a new activity? That’s right, we have to clean up our previous activity. How about you go clean up the toys that are out while I clear the counter so that we can make cookies?

As you can see, enforcing limits can be done in a way that centers on understanding, cooperation, and respect rather than involving exasperation or threats. But all of this takes time, and takes being conscious and purposeful. It is often much easier, in the moment, to look at fighting children or a mess that now covers the living room, feel annoyed and exasperated, and throw down an ultimatum that cannot but come across as a threat. In those moments, I need to take a deep breath, take a step back, and refocus, and then handle the situation in a way that is respectful and based on understanding but still firm about boundaries.

I’m glad Sally has begun to use threats to get what she wants, because otherwise I don’t think I would have seen just how problematic my own actions can sometimes be. Going forward, my plan is twofold. First, I will work to move away from issuing ultimatums that are de facto threats, even in moments of stress. The best way to keep Sally from learning from my bad example is to stop being a bad example. Second, I’m going to work harder to listen to Sally and respond to her desires or concerns when she first brings them. If I’ve put her off to the extent that she feels she must resort to threats to get me to listen, well, that’s something I need to change.

I’ll also talk to Sally about this, and hopefully we can step forward together.

Parenting

positive parenting

Previous Post

January 14, 2014

"Too Much Estrogen"? HuffPo Sets It Straight

Next Post

January 16, 2014 CTNAHM: The Commanding Servant?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Atheism Evangelicalism/Fundamentalism Family Feminism Homeschool Meta Parenting Patriarchy Politics Purity Quiverfull Social Justice Uncategorized Worthwhile reads

Select a Month February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who predicted Persia's rise?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Jeremiah Daniel Isaiah Ezekiel