Parenthood, Selfishness, and Toxic Ideas

Last updated on: January 9, 2014 at 10:17 am by Libby Anne

Parenthood, Selfishness, and Toxic Ideas 2014-01-09T10:17:16-04:00 Libby Anne

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

I recently overheard some relatives of my husband say that not having children was a selfish choice, and that it was the choice to bear and raise children that was truly selfless. I cringed, but I was not involved in the conversation, so I didn’t say anything. It did make me think, though, and I was reminded of a blog post I had come upon several days before with a very different message. It was titled “To the Women Who Choose Not To Have Kids.”

To the women who choose not to have kids, I have one thing to say: thank you.

You probably don’t hear it enough. In fact, you probably don’t hear it at all. What you do hear is an array of pro-childbearing responses, such as, “You’ll change your mind someday,” or, “Doesn’t your mother want grandkids?” or, “You’ll never find a husband if you never want to have kids.”

All things considered, “thank you” is probably on the opposite end of what you hear.

But seriously: thank you. Thank you for recognizing that childrearing isn’t for you and being true to who you are. It doesn’t mean you hate kids. It just means that raising one is not part of your path in life.

But let’s talk about this for a moment, really talk about this, because the idea that people who do not have children are selfish is pretty widespread and I think it needs to be addressed. It’s not just that it’s wrong, which it is, but also that the idea itself has extremely dangerous implications.

I have a friend who has no children, but is one of the most selfless people I know. She is in graduate school with dreams of improving the world. She lives frugally on a small stipend while spending more time on volunteer work in a week than most people do in ten years. She works at the farmers’ market, and the community garden, for starters, and all without pay. She has a heart for improving the future for new generations. The idea that her choice to not have children makes her selfish is breathtaking.

There are lots of ways to exhibit care for others outside of raising children. In fact, the majority of ways of exhibiting selflessness have nothing to do with parenting. There is nothing about not having children that makes someone incapable of doing things for other people or making the world a better place. In fact, I would contend that the portrayal of those without children as selfish tends toward a bifurcated world that divides people artificially and threatens to obscure the many ways we as a society can help each other.

As my regular readers will know, I am doing a page by page review of To Train Up A Child, a fundamentalist Christian child rearing manual. As I’ve pointed out time and again, much of the book focuses on making children convenient—on forcing children to obey any parental command without question, to sit still in church and walk passively at the grocery, etc. In other words, there are plenty of parents who approach parenting in a very selfish way. They make parenting not about their children but rather about themselves. I’ve seen it, you’ve seen it. You know what I’m talking about.

There is nothing about being a parent that automatically or of necessity makes one selfless. Period. Yes, parenting is often an incredibly difficult and draining undertaking, but it is possible to parent in a very selfish manner, and plenty do. Good parenting is about balancing one’s own needs with the needs of one’s children, but then, it is necessary to balance your own needs with those of others even without children. In some sense, all of life is about achieving that balance. This idea that those who do not have children are selfish hinges on a fallacious suggestion that it is only parents who must search for this balance. And, as I have said, it is completely possible to parent selfishly. The suggestion that becoming a parent is somehow inherently selfless risks sending parents the message that they don’t have to worry about being selfish, or about parenting in a selfish manner, because they have already attained selflessness simply by procreating.

I am having trouble articulating the enormous extent of the damage that results from this idea that having children is selfless while not having children is selfish. It creates bizarre dichotomies and threatens to restrict selfless activity to how one treats one’s own children. It is also not a good thing for children. Children need parents who want them and have chosen to have them, not parents who have been pressured into childrearing even though they never really wanted it. I wouldn’t give a dog or a cat to someone who wasn’t a dog person or a cat person, and I similarly wouldn’t give the responsibility of raising a human being to someone who has made it clear that they want children. Children deserve better than that—and so do adults.

Let me show you how much more healthily these ideas can be expressed if we can drop this inane dichotomy and view life—and people—more holistically.

Whoever you are, wherever you are in life, find ways to give back to those around you. Remember that your needs matter too and that self care is important and must not be neglected. Balance your needs with the needs of others and strive for a life filled with your own meaning and purpose. If you choose to have children, treat those children with respect and remember that they are individual human beings with their own desires, needs, and interests, not your property. Whether or not you choose to have children, remember that your life intersects with a web of other lives, that how you treat those around you is important and may come back to affect you, and that the only thing that lasts, really lasts, are the memories you make.

It is all of this that is obscured in the overly simplistic and factually inaccurate idea that those who choose not to have children are selfish while those who choose to have children are selfless. And that is why, quite frankly, next time someone makes the suggestion that not having children is selfish, I’m not going to let it slide.

Edit: Just as choosing not to have kids is not inherently selfish, so too choosing to have kids is not inherently selfish. The decision to have kids is, like just about any other decision, one that can be made for good reasons and for bad reasons. I find the idea that having children is inherently selfish just as problematic as the idea that not having children is inherently selfish.

Parenting

Previous Post

January 8, 2014

Prayer That Can't Go Wrong

Next Post

January 10, 2014 CTBHHM: Finding a "Decent" Woman

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Atheism Evangelicalism/Fundamentalism Family Feminism Homeschool Meta Parenting Patriarchy Politics Purity Quiverfull Social Justice Uncategorized Worthwhile reads

Select a Month February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Which book of the Bible contains the story of Balaam’s talking donkey?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Judges Numbers Exodus 1 Samuel