Dear Lisa: Let us offer you some hope

Last updated on: August 8, 2012 at 6:34 pm by Libby Anne

Dear Lisa: Let us offer you some hope 2012-08-08T18:34:28-04:00 Libby Anne

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Lisa of broken daughters recently wrote a post in which she admitted that even though she is in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful young man, she is scared to death of marriage and can’t picture herself married. Now, I don’t think there is anything wrong with people choosing not to marry, and plenty make that choice. It’s just that Lisa’s reasons are as follows:

“But I’m afraid of marriage. I’m afraid of what marriage is to me, what I have been taught marriage is. You see, I only know two extremes: The fundamentalist marriages, and the supposedly terrible secular marriages. I don’t want to be a submissive, meek wife and lose everything I dream of these days. I don’t want to go back to where I’ve been. I don’t want to waste everything I sacrificed just to end up back in the old ways. And I also don’t want one of these marriages the fundamentalists talk about: The man lazy and fat, cheating on his wife, going to swingerclubs, terrible kids. It’s all I know, and I want neither.

I realize there’s got to be more but I just can’t imagine what it would look like. I have just tasted freedom and marriage seems like a prison now.”

And so I would say to Lisa, take the time to enjoy that freedom and don’t feel like you have to get married, now or ever. But realize that you are right – there is more. You may not be able to picture it right now, but it is out there.

I was also, like you, given a dichotomous view of marriage growing up. There was the “good” married couple following “biblical” gender roles and patriarchal authority structures, and there was the “bad” married couple, where the woman “wore the pants” and the man was reduced to an emasculate house guest. I think part of the problem is that those who live a patriarchal lifestyle and have a patriarchal mindset are incapable of imagining a marriage based on genuine equality, where the husband and wife are partners and friends, and instead think that if the man isn’t in charge, it must be the other way around. Another part of the problem is the fallacious idea that if you don’t do things the “biblical” and “godly” way, your life will be horrible and an utter ruin. Both of these ideas are wrong.

I’ve been married for a while now, and have two children, and my marriage is part of the “more” that Lisa has so much trouble imagining. It stands outside of the dichotomy I was given growing up. My husband and I are partners and friends, and we make decisions together. We communicate, we find compromises when we disagree, and we hold each other in mutual respect. He is not emasculated by the fact that I am his equal. We parent together, love together, live together. It’s called an “egalitarian” marriage, one based on equality and partnership, respect and love.

And so I thought I’d ask my readers to help me out here. Can you join me in helping Lisa envision some of the “more” she knows must be out there? Can you give her some idea of what an egalitarian marriage looks and feels like? Please leave a comment with some of your thoughts and experiences.

Previous Post

July 29, 2012

Worthwhile Reads: The Struggling in America Series

Next Post

July 31, 2012 Airplanes and me; Or, what a BIG family means

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Atheism Evangelicalism/Fundamentalism Family Feminism Homeschool Meta Parenting Patriarchy Politics Purity Quiverfull Social Justice Uncategorized Worthwhile reads

Select a Month February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who was the first person murdered?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Jeremiah Abel Isaiah Elijah