Dealing with difficult relationships, Part II

Last updated on: August 7, 2012 at 10:52 pm by Libby Anne

Dealing with difficult relationships, Part II 2012-08-07T22:52:45-04:00 Libby Anne

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

This is part of a series I’m doing on dealing with difficult relationships, and most specifically dealing with strained relationships with highly religious relatives. Most of what I have to offer here are tips I’ve learned along the way as I’ve sought to work through my relationship with my parents.

If you’d like to add additional tips you’ve learned along the way, either in a comment or by emailing me (see my “about” tab for my email address), I may incorporate additional ideas (giving credit where credit is due, of course) in future posts on this topic.

In Part I my focus was on ways to make interaction and communication less stressful – namely, by using the “three sentence rule” or setting boundaries that involve putting certain topics of limits. The tips I’m going to mention here, though, focus more on finding your own peace as you deal with difficult relationships.

3. You can only control your own actions

This one seems obvious, but I’ve found it very helpful to remember. I can’t control how my parents will act or how they will react to me, and I can’t control what they do. All I can control is myself, what I say and what I do. Realizing this has allowed me to let go, allowed me to stop feeling responsible for what others do, and allowed me to focus on what I can control – myself.

Now of course, this could be taken to an unhealthy place as well, namely, to obsessing over my every move or word. That’s not any healthier than obsessing over how others will respond or react to what you say or do. But obsessing over your own actions or words is not what I’m suggesting. It’s just that obsessing over what others might say or do takes agency out of your own hands while remembering that you can only control your own actions and words restores agency to you.

For me, focusing on myself and my actions rather than obsessing over how others will act or react has been a healthy change. I try to always act with love and speak with grace, and to realize that how others respond is not my concern. And there is something extremely freeing about this.

4. Negativity only drags you down

This point really needs to be added in tandem with the other, because realizing that you can only control your own actions does not mean that everything will be butterflies and sunshine. It does not mean that manipulation will end or that relationships will magically improve. It may be the case that regardless of what you do things will continue to suck.

If your relationship, no matter how well you try to handle it, only continuously contributes negativity to your life, you have a problem on your hands. Tactics like the “three sentence rule” or setting boundaries that put certain topics off limits won’t necessarily end the negativity you may experience from your relationship, and life is too short to spend it being dragged down by negativity.

Am I suggesting that you simply end a relationship that only brings negativity into your life? Not necessarily. Maybe, though. In some cases it may be best to simply end a relationship with someone who is only dragging you down. This is a lot easier to do with a friend or acquaintance than with a relative, though.

I’ve found another way to deal with the negativity, though, and that is creating some amount of emotional distance. My goal is to reach a point where anything negative my parents or any other relative or friend from growing up might say to me doesn’t actually affect me – a point where I see the negativity for what it is and am able to shrug it off. To reach this point, though, you have to achieve a certain level of detachment, and that’s not always easy.

When my therapist pointed out that I don’t need negativity added to my life, it was like a light bulb turned on in my head. It was at that point that I started working to achieve the amount of emotional distance needed to shrug off hurtful words or painful actions and realized that rather than trying to fix my relationship with my parents at all costs I needed to focus on my own well-being and that of my new little family. I needed to let the negativity slip off my back, to let go of it and throw it to the winds. And I’ve been surprised by how successful even a small change in thinking like this can be.

Conclusion

Dealing with difficult relationships is not only about finding ways to handle communication and set boundaries around what topics are appropriate for conversation, it’s also about dealing with yourself. After all, you can only control your own actions, and your life is too short to be filled with constant negativity. Realizing these things has been amazingly beneficial in helping me reach a sort of internal peace, something I didn’t have enough of before.

Family

emotional abuse

relationships

Previous Post

March 26, 2012

Dreams of defiance and steps of healing

Next Post

March 27, 2012 Questions for adult children of Christian Patriarchy?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Atheism Evangelicalism/Fundamentalism Family Feminism Homeschool Meta Parenting Patriarchy Politics Purity Quiverfull Social Justice Uncategorized Worthwhile reads

Select a Month February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What city was the capital of Israel before Jerusalem?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Bethel Jericho Hebron Shechem