Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Love, Joy, Feminism

Home
Nonreligious
Coming out (as an atheist) is a journey not an event

Coming out (as an atheist) is a journey not an event

Last updated on: August 10, 2012 at 12:43 am by Libby Anne

Coming out (as an atheist) is a journey not an event 2012-08-10T00:43:43-04:00 Libby Anne

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

For those raised in religious families surrounded by religious friends and relatives, coming out as an atheist is a big deal. It means risking the potential – and in many cases the likelihood – of losing friends and experiencing damaged relationships with relatives. It may even mean facing emotional manipulation and the pain of rejection. It means a complete change of identity.

Personally, I don’t see coming out as an atheist as a one time thing. For some it may be, but for me at least, it has been a journey rather than an event. I’m going to outline what I see as four steps of coming out as an atheist in my own life. If you were raised in a secular family or in a family where religion played only a minimal role, this may all seem foreign to you. If you were raised in a highly religious family, it may sound familiar.

Step 1: Coming out to yourself

First you have to come out to yourself. This isn’t always an easy thing to do – to admit that you no longer believe, that you really are one of those people, an atheist.

In many cases there is a period of denial, where you try to force yourself to believe even as somewhere inside you know you don’t. There may be a panicky feeling as you try to hold on and not let go. Letting go of belief would mean turning your life upside down, after all, it would mean everything changing.

Then there is the problem of the stigma associated with the term “atheist” in religious circles. Growing up I was taught that atheists were selfish, unkind individuals who lived meaningless lives without love. I believed atheists were hateful and mean, constantly depressed and unhappy.

One day as I was still dealing with my doubts I met and befriended a family, a couple and their two children. They radiated love and happiness and excitement about life. And then I learned that they were atheists. Atheists. This was an important moment, the moment I realized that everything I’d been taught about atheists was wrong, that atheists really could be happy and healthy and live meaningful lives.

Later, when I finally admitted to myself that I was an atheist after struggling in vain to preserve my faith, my immediate reaction was relief. The internal struggle was over. The cognitive dissonance was over. I felt free and light and finally at peace.

Step 2: Coming out to potential allies

The next step is coming out to close friends and relatives you think might be allies even if they don’t completely understand. Even this step isn’t easy, because you can never know for sure how a religious friend will respond, even those you consider more open. For many, you’re asking them to change their perceptions in order to accept you, and you’re challenging their stereotypes and biases.

Most of the religious friends I had in college had mellowed by the end, and it was to them I came out as an atheist first. There was surprise and there were questions, but there was also an acceptance – even from those who didn’t understand.

Coming out to the few relatives I thought might be potential allies was harder. The fear of rejection, the fear that maybe this would be crossing the line, was strong. I didn’t want to lose the relationships I had. The first time, though, was amazingly affirming. “Well then what do you believe in?” I was immediately asked. “Love,” I responded, fumbling for the right thing to say. “Then I guess we believe in the same thing,” was the response. And that was it.

The nice thing about this step is that it means creating allies – people who know you no longer believe but are okay with it, and supportive even if they don’t completely understand.

Step 3: Coming out in your life

Then there is actually contacting local atheist groups and living life as an atheist. This means stopping going to church, stopping pretending, and instead living life fully and genuinely. It means being real.

When I started the graduate program I am in today, I was completely open about my lack of belief. It’s not like religion comes up all the time or anything, but I didn’t hide my atheism. And there was something wonderful about that. The new friends I made, the new people I met, I did it all as me, not as someone pretending to be something else.

When I got a new doctor a year ago, I had to fill out an information form. One thing it asked was “religion.” Without hesitation or fear, without second thoughts or dissembling, I wrote “atheist.” Something as simple as that can be freeing.

Meeting other atheists, through the Secular Student Alliance and other groups, was also part of this process. It means knowing you’re not alone, knowing that others have been through similar experiences. It means knowing it’s not just you.

Step 4: Coming out to highly religious relatives

The last step is coming out as an atheist to relatives or old family friends you know won’t be okay with your unbelief. The difficulty behind this step is that it means almost certain rejection, and it also means causing people you love a great deal of pain and likely going through a great deal of pain yourself. While the first three steps can each be empowering, this step is simply hard.

In many ways this step is like ripping off a band-aid. Sometimes it’s best to just get it over with for once and for all, and waiting around and contemplating it beforehand only makes it worse. Furthermore, some may hold that this is a step that should be taken out of principle, and if relatives want to cut them off, so be it, their loss. In some ways, I envy that resolve.

For others, though, this step is something to be put off, for whatever reason. Sometimes it’s a desire not to bring unneeded pain to aging relatives. Sometimes, especially for those with childhoods especially enmeshed with their parents, it’s a desire to grow stronger and more independent before making this step.

Some may even decide taking this step isn’t strictly necessary. There’s no rule saying you have to tell your relatives everything you think and believe, after all, and the best policy may in some cases be a moratorium on discussing things like religion or politics. When you live in a different city or even state, it can sometimes be possible to simply hide certain parts of your life, to leave things unsaid and unspoken.

Conclusion

I think it should be clear by now why I say that coming out as an atheist is a journey rather than an event. For me personally, it’s a journey that is still unfolding, and I’m sure I’m not alone in this. Someday it will be a journey completed.

For those raised in secular families, or families where religion played a minimal role, this entire discussion probably seems strange. It may be hard to understand the difficulties an atheist from a highly religious background may face when coming out.

I do think, though, that it’s important to emphasize that each person’s journey will be different, and that that’s a good thing. Every individual person is different, after all, and everyone’s circumstances differ as well.

Wherever you are, I wish you well on your journeys.

Atheism

Family

relationships

Previous Post

February 26, 2012

On anonymous blogging and "coming out" as an atheist

Next Post

February 27, 2012 The Duggars, Rick Santorum, and a Religious Realignment

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Atheism Evangelicalism/Fundamentalism Family Feminism Homeschool Meta Parenting Patriarchy Politics Purity Quiverfull Social Justice Uncategorized Worthwhile reads

Select a Month February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Which prophet anointed both Saul and David as kings of Israel?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Gad Samuel Eli Nathan