What I Wish my Youth Pastor Had Said – Part 2

Last updated on: April 11, 2014 at 8:24 am by Melinda Guerra

What I Wish my Youth Pastor Had Said – Part 2 2014-04-11T08:24:52-05:00 Melinda Guerra

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

The following post is from Laura Statesir, Director of Family and Youth at The Marin Foundation.

As more and more youth are coming out as LGBTQ or questioning at younger ages, Christian youth workers around the nation are faced with the question of, “How do I respond when a youth comes out to me?”

This is part two of a two-part post. The first post focused on the coming out moment. This post looks at the months/years after the youth comes out to you.

Below are some best practices and recommendations for Christian youth workers* who have LGBTQ and questioning youth in their church or Christian organization. Obviously each situation is different and every suggestion may not work for your unique group or denomination but remember that the stakes are high. Statistically LGBTQ youth commit suicide in higher numbers than heterosexual youth. LGBTQ youth also leave their faith in alarming numbers. If we err as Christian youth workers, let us err on the side of love.

Walking with your youth after they’ve come out:

One of the biggest mistakes that youth workers make after a youth comes out to them is to pretend it never happened. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. Yes, you’re busy and have a million other things to do. Yes, you may have no idea how to handle this situation. But whatever you do, don’t ignore it. Your silence sounds like rejection to a LGBTQ or questioning youth.

Continue to talk about and process this with the youth no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel. Push through the awkwardness. Meet with them one on one on a regular basis if possible. Remember, most of the time a youth is just looking for someone to listen, not to solve all their problems.

Encourage the youth in their faith.** To a lot of youth, a Christian youth worker is a reflection of Christ in their lives. They are watching your reactions to see how God feels about them. If you express unconditional love then they will know that God loves them unconditionally. If you express judgment or condemnation they will feel that God condemns them as well.

Educate yourself. Seek additional support and resources. Read the books and the blogs. Watch the videos. Talk to theologians and pastors on both sides of the conversation. Meet some other LGBTQ Christians and ask them about their experiences. [Remember to protect this youth’s privacy when talking with other folks.] Never stop learning. Seek God’s guidance as you consider voices from all sides of the issue.

Talk with this youth without having an agenda. Listen with an open heart and mind. Continue to ask good questions. Be slow to give advice or counsel pointing the youth in one direction or another. Don’t try to fix or change a youth. Don’t try to force them to be heterosexual. Focus instead on who God wants that youth to be. Remember that no one, not even you the trusty youth worker, can truly know the condition of someone else’s relationship with Jesus. Advise them to continue to seek out and search for God’s will in their lives. Don’t try to manipulate what they hear from God.

If the youth is interested, study various interpretations of the verses in the Bible that mention this topic together. Look at original language, context, and cultural cues. Use more than one commentary. Read books and blogs from conservative, moderate, and progression voices and discuss how God speaks to both of you through these.

Pray for them. Pray with them. Pray that God will hold them close. Pray that they will keep their faith. Don’t pray for them to be straight; pray that God will show them what God wants for their life, sexuality, and/or gender identity.

Help them meet other youth who share their story. Connect them to Christian LGBTQ role models who have walked this path before them. If the youth wants to see a counselor or therapist, help them decide what type of counseling is best for them. [The Marin Foundation does not advocate any kind of reparative therapy.]

Help this youth make decisions about their coming out process. Encourage them to reflect on the positive and negative consequences of coming out to the important people in their lives. Help them weigh the pros and cons and determine if they are ready to handle all of the possible outcomes. Will they be safe at school? How do they think their parents will react? Do they have somewhere else to go if they are kicked out? Will they be accepted by your church/organization? Are they truly ready for other people to know? Do they feel called by God to come out? Would the youth like you to be there for support when they come out?

Observe how this youth is treated in your group. Watch for bullying or harassment. Be attentive to signs of depression or suicidal ideation. If you hear something [gay jokes, homophobic slurs, or even simple statements that show ignorance], address it without revealing this youth’s secret. Prayerfully consider starting a discussion around faith, sexuality, and gender identity in your church or group.

Hold this youth to the same standards and rules as every other youth in your organization. Don’t give them extra hurdles or barriers because of their sexuality/gender identity but don’t let them off the hook either. For example, if you have a policy that youth are not allowed to engage in romantic displays during youth functions then enforce this policy evenly for both heterosexual and LGBTQ youth in your group.

This youth chose you because they knew you were a safe person. Not everyone in a youth’s life is safe [unfortunately this may include their family]. Unless the youth is in danger or your organization’s policies require you to inform someone else you should probably keep this information confidential. If you do decide that you have to tell someone, let the youth know beforehand. Discuss the reasons why you feel that you must include this other person in the conversation.

Pray for yourself. Stay connected to God. Feed your own soul.

Finally, be patient. For most people, sexuality and gender identity is not something they discover and accept overnight. Be in this, with them, for the long haul. At the end of the day, if the youth makes a decision about their sexuality or gender identity that you don’t agree with, it is still your job to love them and walk alongside of them.

*For simplicity’s sake I will use the phrase “youth worker” to refer to anyone who works with youth as part of a church, Christian college or university, or Christian organization. This could be a youth pastor, a youth minister, a youth leader, a volunteer who works with youth, etc.

** For more information on helping LGBTQ youth in their faith, see this past blog post: Clearing the Path for Your Child’s Faith

Laura Statesir

LGBT

Youth and Campus Ministry

Previous Post

April 10, 2014

Living in the Tension - Open Mic Night - 4/21

Next Post

April 16, 2014 Communion is About Equality

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Book Reviews Bridging Opposing Worldviews Culture Don't Drink and Drive Faith Guest Posts I'm Sorry Campaign Interviews Language Laura Statesir LGBT Living in the Tension Living in the Tension Gatherings Love Is an Orientation Love Is an Orientation Blog Love Is an Orientation Book Love Is an Orientation DVD Melinda Guerra Memory My One Sentence Bible Newsletter Our Last Option Parents & Families Politics Quick Quotes Quotes ReEngaging Civility Sexuality Speaking The Marin Foundation Theology Uncategorized Us Versus Us Videos Warren Perry Youth and Campus Ministry

Select a Month June 2016 May 2016 December 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz