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Lisa Duffy: A Million Unheard Souls

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Divorced? Why Not Attend A Church That Accepts You?

Divorced? Why Not Attend A Church That Accepts You?

Last updated on: July 14, 2016 at 8:11 am by Lisa Duffy

Divorced? Why Not Attend A Church That Accepts You? 2016-07-14T08:11:33-04:00 Lisa Duffy

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It’s sad to know divorced Catholics leave the Church because they don’t feel welcome, especially when we fellow Catholics should be “workers in the field hospital after the battle.” So the question arises, why not start over at a different church?

Photo by Stefan Kunze, Unsplash.Com, CC

So you are divorced. I’m willing to bet that no matter why you got divorced, you didn’t get married to get divorced, true? Few people do. Which means, you’ve had to endure a ton of heartache regardless of whether you were the one who was abandoned or the one who left. This is a very difficult place to be.

One of the hardest things to deal with at a time like this is feeling like you don’t belong in your parish. Some people assume they are not welcome and stay away, while others still attend Mass but find it to be an extremely painful experience.

Divorced Catholics are aware of the Church’s teaching on divorce, which is based on the teachings of Christ regarding divorce and remarriage in Matthew 19:3–9, and this can make trying to maintain a presence at Mass and parish functions difficult. It is understandable that the possibility of encountering the judgment and reproach of other parishioners would make anyone want to avoid being scrutinized altogether. It would be tempting to shy away from parish functions, Mass, and receiving the sacraments—the very source of healing and grace you need most.

So the question arises, why not start over at a different church?

Feel-Good Church

Many divorced Catholics I know have taken this route. They begin attending a non-Catholic church for many reasons: no one knows them and they welcome a fresh start, the new church has dynamic divorce support and single parent programs, the non-Catholic pastors offer counseling supported by the notion they can be “absolved” from their divorces and can be free to date and marry, again. But oftentimes, the primary reason they attend is because the new atmosphere makes them feel better about themselves.

It’s sad to know these Catholics leave because they don’t feel welcome, especially when we fellow Catholics should be workers in the field hospital after the battle. It’s true, many times this feeling of alienation a divorced individual feels is self-inflicted. The affects of divorce are shame and a loss of self-worth which make it easy to feel as if you are being judged by others and not accepted. But some divorced Catholics are met with disdain and judgment from parishioners and I believe much of this happens because of the misunderstandings about the consequences a divorced Catholic faces, so I would like to make a few clarifications.

First, it’s true that Christ taught marriage was meant from the beginning to be a permanent, exclusive, life-long union. But, when the government gets involved in the process, this permanency is not a prerequisite nor a condition. The government states the union can be dissolved at their discretion, and this is why a civil divorce decree has no bearing on the Church’s perspective on marriage. Sadly, far too many Catholics assume that those who are divorced—even those who live an exemplary life—are not welcome at Mass and cannot receive the sacraments once they are issued a civil divorce decree. The truth is a civil divorce decree in and of itself does not prohibit one from receiving the sacraments.

Second, is understanding what does prohibit a divorced Catholic from receiving the sacraments. That would be getting remarried without going through the annulment process and receiving a decree of nullity. There is widespread confusion over this point and the harsh judgments that come with it cause many divorced men and women to leave the Church altogether. This is a crisis because generations of faith are lost when divorced parents leave the faith and take their children with them. But more importantly, divorced Catholics who leave the Church are leaving the very thing they need to heal: the sacraments. I can’t imagine trying to get through a divorce without the Eucharist, without the sacrament of confession. All the graces one needs to get through these trials and find happiness again are contained in the sacraments.

Before You Go…

What can be done to help the situation? If you are considering leaving the Catholic Church because you feel alienated, I encourage you to first remember the healing properties of the sacraments are what will get you through your difficult time, and there is no other Church where you can receive them. And remember, also, your divorce does not define who you are, it’s just something that has happened to you. You are still an important member of the body of Christ and an important member of your parish.

I also encourage all Catholics who have never been divorced to remember the importance of being compassionate. We should all be willing to help each other get to heaven and since no one is perfect, we all need each other’s compassion and support, no matter what our situations are.

This article was originally published at the CatholicMatch Institute.

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