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Lisa Duffy: A Million Unheard Souls

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4 New Year’s Resolutions For Rebuilding After Divorce

4 New Year’s Resolutions For Rebuilding After Divorce

Last updated on: March 26, 2016 at 9:45 am by Lisa Duffy

4 New Year’s Resolutions For Rebuilding After Divorce 2016-03-26T09:45:35-04:00 Lisa Duffy

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The holidays are tough for a lot of people, especially those who are divorced and if you’re anything like me, you’re ready for a change when the new year rolls around. Maybe you have a set list of resolutions to work on, maybe not. But regardless, if you want 2016 to be a better year, you need to have some sort of plan. So here are a few suggestions that can help you move forward in your healing process – steps I personally took when I was in your shoes – with the hope of helping you find some peace and happiness this year.

1. Learn from your mistakes

Too many people try to move forward in the healing process, or worse yet, jump back into dating and relationships before taking the time to evaluate the mistakes that contributed to the demise of their marriage. It’s difficult to make any real progress unless you take time to reflect on what happened and make some concrete resolutions to change.

If you’re already dating again or in a new relationship, I strongly recommend stepping back from that until you’ve gone through this self-evaluation process. There’s no point in trying to make a new relationship work, when you haven’t identified and reformed the behaviors that led you to divorce in your previous marriage.

2. Stop Playing the Blame Game

Divorce, especially for the spouse who was abandoned, creates a slippery slope, the blame game. It’s when you blame everyone else for your divorce instead of accepting the fact that it takes two for a marriage to fail. The blame game transforms you into a victim, and if you play this game you will never find healing. You will always be stuck in the hurt and will be miserable. It’s time to stop blaming and start accepting.

What do you have to accept? There may be many things, but probably the biggest hang up people have in this area is even though they are divorced, they are still trying to control their ex-spouses.

In my situation, I was so angry that my ex-husband was doing and saying things that deeply hurt me and I fought with him bitterly over them. Once I accepted the fact that I had no control over his actions, attitudes, and the fact that he didn’t love me anymore, I was able to let go of that anger. I had to accept that those were his choices to make and learn to move forward from there. I also had to accept that I, too, carried some of the blame for the divorce. I may have been a faithful wife who tried hard to make the marriage work, but I wasn’t perfect and my own failings contributed to the divorce. Does any of this sound like something you’re struggling with?

This important exercise in accepting the truth will make it easier to find happiness and be at peace. I encourage you to take your time with this step.

3. Refresh Your Relationship with God

If you have ever seen a picture of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, you will see him pointing to his heart from which flames are burning, representing his love for you. But, there are also thorns surrounding His heart, and those indicate souls who are indifferent to his love. Souls who know Jesus, but forget about Him, ignore Him or don’t have time for him.

Losing a marriage and intact family can easily take a toll on your relationship with God and prayer is often the first thing that goes out the window. Yet, God is waiting for you, to help you and console you.

As you work on rebuilding your life, why not make an honest assessment of how available you are to Jesus? Why not take this opportunity to boost your level of devotion to Him? All it takes from us is a simple act of love… I love you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus. He will give you all the graces you need. Every trial you encounter, He will be with you, helping you.

4. Apply for the Annulment Process

Of course, I could not complete this article without encouraging you to go through the annulment process. 2015 was a year of changes to the annulment process and some of those changes may be confusing, but the fact is Pope Francis has been eliminating some of the obstacles that were keeping people away in an effort to welcome them back to the Church and make sure the opportunity to find that deep healing that comes with the annulment process is there for everyone who needs it.

But also, if you are hoping to find a new relationship, it’s important to remember that all marriages are considered to be valid/sacramental unless proven otherwise by the annulment process. You may have a civil divorce decree, but the Church still considers you to be married. It’s well worth going through the process to get that healing and also get that definitive answer on what your new direction in life will be.

You may also consider picking up a copy of my book, The Catholic Guide To Dating After Divorce, which I wrote especially for those in the rebuilding phase after divorce.

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Lisa Duffy

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