I Was Convinced I Would Always Be Miserable Until I Realized This One Thing…

Last updated on: March 26, 2016 at 9:08 am by Lisa Duffy

I Was Convinced I Would Always Be Miserable Until I Realized This One Thing… 2016-03-26T09:08:23-04:00 Lisa Duffy

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One of the most difficult periods in life you can experience is trying to rebuild your life after having gone through a divorce.

Imagine the cartoon character Wylie Coyote falling off a desert cliff, plummeting down thousands of feet, landing flat on his back and creating a huge crater in the ground. It should have killed him, but it didn’t. Surviving divorce feels much the same; the pain should have killed you, but it didn’t. And now, you’ve got to go on and live.

People often believe that picking up the pieces and starting a new life after divorce should be easy, but unfortunately, Acme doesn’t make a start-your-life-over kit that we can refer to. As a matter of fact, people expect that you will just stand up, brush yourself off and move on from your divorce, but it’s not that easy and no one really shows you how to do that.

I found myself in these very shoes many years ago. It was at a time when I could not afford professional counseling, but I was feeling very emotionally stuck and desperate to move forward, but I just didn’t know how. I was ready to experience the feeling of closing that “divorced” chapter in my life, shed the past mistakes, let go of disappointments and just start over, start fresh. I needed to make improvements, map out a new plan, and change my strategy. So, I rolled up my sleeves and decided I would just start doing something and see what worked.

I started by reflecting on the things about my life that I didn’t like and wanted to change such as, I didn’t like the fact that I spent every weekend alone in my apartment. Granted, the weather in Connecticut didn’t always permit outside activity, but being by myself all the time was so depressing and it was too much of an opportunity for a pity party. After thinking about all this I realized there were many things about my life that I wanted to change, so I wrote them all down and then I thought about the practical ways I could change them. What did I have control over? Which were the realistic ideas, you know, the ones that weren’t too far out of my reach?

As I made my list of obstacles that were keeping me from moving forward and being happy, and the ideas on how to overcome them, it occurred to me that what I was really doing was making a choice. I was making a conscious decision to put all the negativity behind me and be a happy person. It had never occurred to me before that I had that option, but it was a welcome paradigm shift. I could choose to be happy.

Recognizing this was like having scales fall from my eyes, enabling me to see clearly. I realized a lot of that feeling of being emotionally stuck was because I allowed all those negative emotions – anger, resentment, self-pity – to convince me I had no choice but to live that way. How wrong I was!

So, if you are feeling emotionally stuck as you work to rebuild your life after divorce, I extend this invitation to you, and it comes at the right time; as we celebrate New Year’s Eve and ring in a new year. Say goodbye to the past and hello to the new. Let January 1st be your clean slate, your new beginning. As we welcome our new year of 2016, I invite you to take this opportunity to reflect upon the changes you would like to see happen in your life and make your own list of things you can do to make those changes happen. What will your list be like? Starting the annulment process? Forgiving your ex-spouse? Choosing to be happy instead of being depressed? Only you know. But one thing is certain… if you make the decision to change the things you can control and choose to be happy, you will discover a new life.

how to heal after divorce

Lisa Duffy

the catholic guide to dating after divorce

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