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Lisa Duffy: A Million Unheard Souls

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Advice for When You’re No Longer Attracted to Your Spouse

Advice for When You’re No Longer Attracted to Your Spouse

Last updated on: June 15, 2017 at 1:32 pm by Lisa Duffy

Advice for When You’re No Longer Attracted to Your Spouse 2017-06-15T13:32:49-04:00 Lisa Duffy

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“I’m not attracted to my spouse anymore and I’m wondering what I should do?”

I recently heard this question come from a young married woman and it broke my heart. She was very upset and sincerely looking for answers because she didn’t want to consider what her friends had been telling her she should do… divorce her husband.

But I was heartbroken more because I fear society has successfully brainwashed an entire generation of people into believing that marriages are disposable, spouses are interchangeable, and that our only goal in life should be self-fulfillment, all of which is a sham.

He doesn’t turn you on, anymore, honey? Go find someone who does!

Why should sex appeal (or the lack thereof) make or break a marriage? Life is all about love, yes, but real love is not about sex, or being sexual or sexy. Real love is an act of the will which puts the good of others first. Which leads me to my point:

God does not call us to be attracted, he calls us to love.

If only we could see past our bodies! There is so much emphasis placed on how we look, what we weigh, what we wear, are we gluten free… it’s no wonder so many engaged couples have no clue what they’re getting into. The message we fail to impress upon them is that selfless love – the kind of love society despises, but the kind of love that makes marriage amazing – is the only way to experience real love on a much deeper level.

Let’s Talk About “Real”, Baby

In this age of disposable marriages, cynicism reigns. There is no trust, no loyalty, no real friendship among spouses who are plotting their exit. Everyone is always out for themselves. But Christ said we must become like little children. What adult is willing to do that?

Coincidentally, there’s a good bit of marriage wisdom to be found in the vintage children’s story, The Velveteen Rabbit. In this wise tale, the sawdust-stuffed Rabbit wants to know what it means to become Real and the Skin Horse offers an amazing answer:

“When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real . . . Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

That last sentence, in my opinion, defines what married love is supposed to be. For example, my husband and I have been through many difficult financial, medical, and spiritual crises in the 15 years we’ve been married. And, at 50-something-years-old, I am physically very different from the girl he married back in the day. I do my best to look attractive for my husband, but our kids’ needs have long taken precedence over mani/pedi’s at the salon. Even so, my husband still says he loves my “cute” toes. I’ve had multiple C-sections, nursed each of my children, experienced weight gain and weight loss and the joy of menopausal symptoms, but my husband still calls me his “hot wife.” I’ve got graying hair and all the other usual things that come with aging. Suffice it to say, I might scare my neighbors in the morning if I didn’t do a little “damage control” before I stepped out the door. But my husband still loves me. Even though marriage has been hard work for us, we still dance in the kitchen every once in a while when I’m making dinner; we laugh heartily at our inside jokes and we still are best friends.

I am grateful to have that real love with my wonderful husband. But best of all, when I see the physical imperfections I have because I’m getting older I know that God is happy with me because I’ve donated everything I had to my family – heart, mind, soul, and body. I’m all theirs and they are the ones who have made me Real.

Let’s not lose this beautiful mentality of appreciating each other, and growing old together to our broken, sex-saturated society. Let’s teach our children and their friends, and their significant others that we are all called to love, and physical attraction is pointless if there’s no real love to back it up.

You can find much more on this issue in my book, The Catholic Guide To Dating After Divorce.

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