3 Tips For Handling An Antagonistic Ex-Spouse

Last updated on: December 7, 2015 at 5:22 pm by Lisa Duffy

3 Tips For Handling An Antagonistic Ex-Spouse 2015-12-07T17:22:02-04:00 Lisa Duffy

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It’s hard to be charitable to someone who has devastated your life. In my own divorce experience, there were times when my bitterness won out and my angry behavior just made things worse. It made me feel absolutely horrible about what I had done or said. No one should live that way, it’s a miserable existence. No wonder we have such high crime, road rage, and broken families. People get hurt and their response is to attack like a spitting, hissing venomous snake.

You may be facing this dilemma right now as the Thanksgiving holiday sets in and family gatherings commence. You may have to exchange children, face ex-in-laws, or just grapple with an antagonistic ex-spouse, and if so, know my prayers are with you. But I’d like to offer a little advice beyond the prayers because it’s so important to be equipped with the tools you need to handle these emotionally-charged situations. But how, in the face of gratuitously shameful behavior, do you treat that person with a shred of decency without your head exploding? Here are three helpful tips to help you handle a difficult ex-spouse.

1. Make a Conscious Decision to Remain Calm

When people get angry, they lash out and draw others into that anger. Don’t let yourself get sucked into a fight with your ex-spouse. The best way to do this is to make a conscious choice to remain calm before you are ever in his/her presence. That way, when your ex-spouse’s voice starts escalating and the words come at you fast and furious, don’t engage, don’t interrupt, don’t say a word. Wait until the barrage is over and reply with a balanced tone. It’s hard for a confrontation toget out of hand if you don’t participate.

2. Set Parameters

Let’s take that same scenario of an ex-spouse who is being rude, swearing or using abusive language. When he or she stops to take a breath, tell him/her that if they can’t speak to you civilly and in a humane way, they can only speak to your lawyer. This is appropriate and usually diffusses the emotional dynamite that’s about to explode.

3. Pray For Your Ex-Spouse’s Salvation

Most men and women who go through a divorce harbor a great deal of resentment toward their ex-spouse for some amount of time, often because of infidelity and abandonment and this is normal. If you are struggling with this, try to remember 2 things: First, accept that you cannot control your ex-spouse’s words, thoughts or actions. If you can accept that reality, you begin the critical process of letting go. Just keep in mind that the only person you can control is yourself.

Second, to accept the fact that God loves your ex-spouse as much as He loves you. No matter how badly your ex has behaved, God still wants his/her soul for Himself. Ask God for the grace to forgive and the knowledge of how He wants you to let go of the resentment. He will bless you abundantly for this.

I will be the first to admit that none of this is easy to accomplish, but if you can ask God for the graces you need, and then give it a try, I believe you will be at least a little surprised at the results and hopefully, your Thanksgiving will be a good one.

For more tips on how to handle an antagonistic spouse, you might pick up a copy of my book, Divorced. Catholic. Now What?

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