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If I Were Her Friend: Brielle Asero and Work

If I Were Her Friend: Brielle Asero and Work

Last updated on: November 2, 2023 at 8:00 am by Layne Wallace

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If I Were Her Friend: Brielle Asero and Work 2023-11-01T21:05:38-04:00 Layne Wallace

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Weeping Over Work

Her name is Brielle Asero, a college graduate with a degree in marketing. Recently, she posted a video about her struggles with her work. In her video, Asero weeps as she rails about the way her work life is going. The work itself is not the problem for her, it is the amount of time it takes out of her life.

Unable to afford to live within walking distance of her work, she makes her commute on the train. Beginning her commute at 7:30 a.m., she gets home at 6:15 p.m. Allowing for a normal time to dress for work, it is most likely that Asero gets up around 6:30 to prepare for her day. After returning home, she wants to collapse on her couch. No energy remains to cook, clean, or rendezvous with friends. Exercise is not possible with the remaining energy. Her dating life is on hiatus. With her well-manicured red fingernails in view, she repeatedly wipes away the tears from her eyes while she hurls profanities against the 9-5 work day.

https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/24523409/uni-grad-cries-over-9-to-5-job-commute/

Warning the video contains profanity.

https://www.distractify.com/p/woman-crying-after-starting-first-job

Mourning

I have to confess, when I saw the video was trending I was not particularly empathetic. “Everyone has to work. Work is hard; it is supposed to be. If the job were not hard, the employer would not need someone to do it,” I reasoned. When I finally watched the video, I began to see her very differently. She needs compassion; she needs a good friend. If I were her friend, I would tell her some things.

I would tell her it looks like she is mourning. She is a recent college graduate, and the college experience is very different from work. In college, students are free to arrange their own schedules. There is time for class and time for study, and the student gets to pick which is which.

College and Friends

She is mourning the loss of connecting with friends old and new. In a typical college, an undergraduate can find a party every night. There are friends to be found in class, between classes, at lunch, in the library, in Greek societies, in internships, at the gym, well everywhere. Even with a heavy academic load, a student will have significant time to be with friends and date.

College and Commutes

Most colleges design their campuses for pedestrian traffic. A student in good health can walk to most of their classes, so there is little commuting time. There are no worries about an extended train ride. No struggle to get up early enough to get on board. The only struggle is to make sure to get up early enough for a 9 a.m. lecture.

Students without Cares

Many students’ only responsibilities are academic success and personal judgment. Student loans, grants, scholarships, parents, and internships pay for their college experience. They just need to do good work and stay out of trouble. Many college students can live carefree lives, with hours of unbudgeted time each day. None of that is transferrable to professional life.

From College to Work

The transition from college to work can be difficult. While a college student may have a menu of options for classes and class times, work affords no such menu. Work is not based on the desires of the employee in the way college is based on the desires of the student. A job requires the employee to honor the employer’s expectations. This change is often a shock.

If I were her friend I would tell her that life is change, and it is fitting to mourn when change comes. All living things change and all circumstances change. We mourn change because we become attached to the way things are. The more we enjoy the way things are, the more we will need to mourn when things change.

I do not take Asero’s mourning as a bad thing. Her life was good. It had many benefits. Now, change has come. She needs to mourn, to honestly let go of what was. She must mourn what has gone before she can embrace what is to come. If I were her friend I would tell her that it is good to mourn.

Telos

If I were her friend I would tell her something else. Asero seems disconnected from her work. She likes her job she says, but somehow the job is an energy drain. She does not describe it, and she speaks little about it. While I am sure she does like her job, it seems disconnected from her.

Judging by this video alone, I would surmise her purpose in life is her friends and her life beyond work. If her purpose in life is her life beyond work, then a job that takes up 12 hours of her day from preparation to her return home will feel like a crushing load–because it is. If work is not deeply connected to her purpose in life then 12 hours invested in work, 8 hours of sleep, 1 hour of chores, 1 hour for preparing dinner, and 1 hour for exercise would leave virtually no time for purpose. Even at her young age when her energy should be high, she has no energy left for the relationships and the goals that animate her when she gets home from work.

If I were her friend, I would suggest she find something in life that animates her. The ancient Greeks would call it a Telos, an end, a purpose. To find her end she needs to ask herself some questions. What does she care about deeply? What motivates her best efforts? Is there something she loses time doing? If so, I would tell her to do that. Marry the purpose of life to her work. Then there is a sudden change. Instead of work being a time sap from what really matters, work is then part of what really matters. More than that, work will be what gives energy.

History and Telos

Historically speaking Asero’s situation is novel. She is among the first humans in human history who have the possibility of making decisions about what her purpose is. For most of human history, the liberty she has would have been non-existent.

I think of my own story. My grandfather had a business, Wallace & Sons’ Tire Center. He built the family business and the family’s reputation with his courage and insight. My father ran the business with him as the second generation. By the time I was 12 years old, Wallace & Sons’ was a well-established multi-generation family business. Then I came along. By 12 I knew that Wallace and Sons’ was not my path, not my Telos. I do not remember coming to that realization. I suspect I always had it. To my family’s enduring credit, they never tried to force me into it. They never pressured me into being the third generation. They knew my purpose was different. I think they knew my actual purpose long before I did. Whatever the case, though, the family was comfortable with me choosing differently.

Family Standard Bearers

In most cultures in human history, my story would not be read positively at all. As the only son, the ‘family standard-bearer,’ I would have had an obligation to put away my childish dreaming and get to work. The family would have had expectations. Expanding the family’s holdings, ensuring the family’s reputation, preparing for future generations, and putting my skills to work making sure the family succeeded would have not only been the family’s expectation but it would have also been my moral obligation. Following my own Telos would have made me a bad son.

I’m not sure what Asero’s family story is. My hunch, though, is that against human history, she has remarkable leeway in finding her Telos also. Perhaps her purpose is something that cannot be accomplished at her work. If so, the best course of action is to change course quickly. If her purpose is family and relationships, there is nothing more noble. That, though, would require her to make swift changes. Her blue eyes are young, but they will not always be. While time is a constant, somehow it moves faster one only lives for the weekend. It is tragic to put in hours at work when it cannot possibly be connected to life’s purpose.

Gratitude

Something else could be helpful for Asero: gratitude. I watch her weep and rail, and I am moved. She is not only sad; she might be in a prolonged state of depression. Gratitude is part of what helps people through both.

I do not recommend gratitude with a hostile spirit. “My great-grandad worked 80 hours per week in a mine. Suck it up buttercup,” is not my aim. The gentile discipline of gratitude changes the brain. Since I do not know her, my recommendations might be generic. Be grateful for those who love you, for the opportunities you have, for the simple joy of changing seasons, for the gifts you have, for the food you eat, for the clothes you wear, for lungs that work, for water that runs, or for the time you have. Taking a few minutes each day to be grateful can change how the brain perceives the world.

Gratitude will not solve the problem. It will, though, give perspective on the problem. Gratitude will unfreeze the mind and let the mind work on finding a solution to the quagmire. Railing against a structure of society, the workweek, is not going to fix her sadness. Railing will not likely change the nature of the workweek any time soon. Gratitude will give the mind the ability to focus its powers on the task at hand. Finding a reason for living, a Telos, and going after it with everything she has is the task at hand.

If I were her friend, I would tell her that.

Also by Layne Wallace: Reflections on a Well-Lived Life Shortened by Covid

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