The Sea in my Head: tossed by the waves

Last updated on: March 22, 2013 at 10:55 am by Kaitlin B. Curtice

The Sea in my Head: tossed by the waves 2013-03-22T10:55:07-04:00 Kaitlin B. Curtice

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

I haven’t been sleeping well lately. Even with a toddler lying between us in bed, I can sleep as hard as a rock until I wake up to nurse him back to sleep. But lately with pregnancy taking over more and more parts of my body, my mind races at two in the morning and I hope upon hope that the pain shooting through my right leg goes away before I have to get up to pee again.

The past few days my mind has been a sea of waves, certainly tossed and blown by winds of all sorts. I still wonder where I should have my baby, scared that I may make the wrong decision. We wait four more weeks and then go get my platelets checked; if they are low again, I’m high-risk category and everything changes.

There are things that are easy to pray about, that are clear and answer-worthy. Then there are weird things like this, decisions that have to be made but can’t really be clear, except that I have more peace about one place more than the other. So this morning I rely on that peace, and in tears I hang up the phone after making my first OB appointment. I’m 17 weeks pregnant.

Eliot and I have been sleeping in until 9 or so every morning, and I’m so thankful that I’ve got a boy who likes the late morning versus the early sunrise. Today my body and mind and soul woke up ready for some quiet. Travis is home this morning on spring break, so I left them at 8:00 to send a few emails and make banana nut muffins.

On Facebook I saw that Chinua Achebe died. His most famous book is titled after this line from a Yeats poem: “Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world…” I feel this anarchy inside me. We spent part of the break watching movies and resting at home. I hardly left the house, except for some breakfast outings or to visit friends here and there. I wonder day after day why I can’t get quiet enough, why I’m so prone to distraction and so tired of sitting on the couch.

This morning the TV haunted me from across the living room. After eating a half of a muffin, I put it away. Sound familiar? Probably because I do it every few months. Though I’m not really consistent, I can’t explain how much peace fills the room when that black box is not in it. Still, I long for the relax of watching a film.

There seem to be so many things I want, and still my little world is prone to fall apart. I want to put Eliot to bed on time, in his crib. I want to clean my living room and keep it organized daily. I want to gut out Eliot’s room and get it ready for a brother to share it with. I want to go get groceries that are healthy and take me 30 minutes to make meals out of. I want Jesus because of who He is and all that He’s done. And I really, really want this little Isaiah Desmond inside of me to be safe.

All I can hope for this morning is that my mind settles and the waves die down. That’s all I can hope for daily, and I wait for the sweet peace of Jesus to cover me. I say again, I need you. And I sit back and realize that maybe all things haven’t yet fallen apart, and that the center is in Someone who cannot be fathomed or understood by the storms of my heart.

Previous Post

February 12, 2013

Peace, Hope and a Cleaner Home

Next Post

August 6, 2013 Life Lessons: The Months Coming, the Months Going

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Advent 2016 Adventure Community & One Another Contemplation Lent 2016 Lessons Motherhood Native American Heritage Month 2017 Native American Spirituality Politics & Social Justice Prayer Remembrance Seven Gratitudes Uncategorized

Select a Month April 2018 March 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 August 2013 March 2013 February 2013 November 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz