Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Just One Thing

Home
New Visions
Parent From the Same Page

Parent From the Same Page

Last updated on: May 11, 2014 at 11:11 am by Rick Hanson

Parent From the Same Page 2014-05-11T11:11:50-07:00 Rick Hanson

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Are you working together?

The Practice:
Parent from the same page.

Why?

[Note: This JOT is adapted from Mother Nurture, a book written for mothers – focusing on typical parenting situations and gender differences that are experienced by many, though not all, mothers and fathers, and by parents in same sex relationships. Parenting is a complex subject, plus it intertwines with larger issues of gender roles and the long history of mistreatment of women; obviously society should do a better job of supporting families in general and mothers and fathers in particular, but meanwhile there are things they can do for themselves; alas, there is no room for these complexities in these brief JOTs; for my discussion of them, please see Mother Nurture.]

It’s hard to get on the same page, since parents often have different values in child rearing, and issues of who gets to be right or in charge muddy the water. Yet children get confused when their parents have different approaches, and are more likely to play one parent against the other: But Dad said I could! And it is disheartening when a partner approaches one of the most important undertakings in life in a way that seems wrongheaded or cavalier.

Minor differences in parenting style are all right. Besides helping children prepare for a variety of teachers and (eventually) bosses, complementary approaches can build on each other, like Mom being more of a tender owie-kisser and Dad an exuberant horsie-back-ride-giver, so kids get the best of both worlds. But major differences in parenting values or actions are a problem.

How?

Take the First Steps

While it may seem unfair for one partner to make the first move, helping to evoke positive behavior can reduce his/her reasons for being irked. And there will be a better result by taking steps together. Here’s a buffet of options, focused on the common situations of partners whose parenting styles differ.

* Have confidence in the other parent’s fundamental parenting abilities
* Use encouragement
* Offer acknowledgement
* Create space for learning
* Try not intervening in situations and see what happens instead (unless something truly abusive is occurring)
* Understand the whole picture before jumping in
* Don’t micromanage
* Get a reality check on the actual seriousness of the differences by being clear about the facts
* Be respectful. When offering suggestions, be respectful and specific
* Try to be a model of the reactions that are expected in return

Take Steps Together

* Talk about values
* Be supportive of each other
* Try not to polarize roles so that one parent is the disciplinarian while the other gets to be more nurturing or playful
* Use a tie-breaker

Establish Clear Facts

The place to begin is to establish what the facts are. Agreements may already be in place about how the load is shared, but commonly one partner feels that he or she is doing more than the other partner is aware of, which sparks recurring quarrels.

Each partner could simply list his or her part with the kids or household that day. If even that would be overwhelming-make a list for an hour or for a specific part of the day, such as the morning or evening.

At night, compare notes, and see if agreements can be made about the basic facts of that day without nit-picking whether something took five minutes or ten. At the end of the period, try to agree on what the facts are, plus or minus ten percent.

Establish Clear Principles

Even with clear facts, parents can disagree about what they mean. Cultural factors influence our expectations about the proper sharing of roles after children arrive.

In gentle ways, you can support your partner’s involvement by shining light on what a difference it makes to your children.

Establish Clear Agreements

Once you come together on basic principles, agreements about actions are pretty straightforward, especially when you use the negotiation skills you’ve already learned. Here are some practical solutions that have helped many families, including those in which the parents are already sharing the load fairly and the real issue is only how to work together even better.

* Coordinate with each other
* Keep things in perspective
* Try to be flexible and creative for the greater good
* Look for ways to both be involved with the children
* Work out housework issues
* Tackle high-stress situations together
* Balance the total stress load more or less evenly
* Address the impact of work on your family

Rick Hanson, Ph.D., is a neuropsychologist, a Senior Fellow of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley, and a New York Times best-selling author. His books include Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence (in 13 languages), Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom (in 25 languages), Just One Thing: Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time (in 14 languages), and Mother Nurture: A Mother’s Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships. Founder of the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, he’s been an invited speaker at Oxford, Stanford, and Harvard, and taught in meditation centers worldwide. A summa cum laude graduate of UCLA, his work has been featured on CBS, BBC, NPR, CBC, FoxBusiness, Consumer Reports Health, U.S. News and World Report, and O Magazine, and he has several audio programs with Sounds True. His weekly e-newsletter – Just One Thing – has over 100,000 subscribers and also appears on Huffington Post, Psychology Today, and other major websites.

For more information, please see his full profile at www.RickHanson.net.

The post Parent From the Same Page appeared first on Dr. Rick Hanson.

Just One Thing

Parenting

blog

Previous Post

May 9, 2014

Friday Favorite

Next Post

May 12, 2014 What is the Mind?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category art of charm Articles audio audio practice audio program Awareness Be Mindful being for yourself bless Book Excerpt brain change Breath Buddha's Brain bulletproof radio challenge yourself cognitive essentializing dance Dr. Rick Hanson Ecology and Environment Featured Featured Post forgive yourself from the porch Generosity Go Green Gratitude hard things honesty Inner Peace Interviews Just One Thing let go Letting Go lighten up Meditations mindful presence neurodharma Open Out overestimations Parenting Peace podcast Podcasts Quizzes release Rest in Green rick's picks speak truly strategy for happiness Take in The Good Taking in the Good Uncategorized Video you're alright your precious life Your Wise Brain

Select a Month May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 May 2010

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who said: "Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault"?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Peter John Jude Paul