Is having to pretend at church worth being accepted?

Last updated on: January 14, 2015 at 11:38 am by John Shore

Is having to pretend at church worth being accepted? 2015-01-14T11:38:12-08:00 John Shore

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

In high school, I was secretary of our newly-formed Bible club. Every Wednesday I would wake up at five a.m. in order to get to the school by six, so that the club could meet before class started. I was already the odd one out for being the only Catholic in this group of born-again Christians, so I always felt this weird drive to try and fit in with the rest of the club.

One day the teacher who led the group announced that we were going to do a special project: write letters to a gay group informing them that being gay was a sin.

I was thunderstruck. How did my innocent little school group go from Bible study and Bible Pictionary to political activism (that it was presumed we all agreed with)? My classmates hopped to it: to my eyes there wasn’t one who hesitated. If I said I didn’t want to write such a letter, I felt certain they would all pounce on me with Leviticus lectures, as surely as if I had marched in there waiving a rainbow flag and then kissed another girl.

I should mention that at this point in my life, I was so blinded by “Christian” dogma that I couldn’t even admit to myself that I was gay. I was repulsed by boys, confounded by my boy-crazy gal pals, and cried the first time a boy tried to kiss me. But I was Christian, so couldn’t possibly be gay! So it wasn’t for myself (at least consciously) that I was hesitant to write the letters. My hesitation was based on the moral principle informing the project; I didn’t agree with its overall assertion. It was also based on my one bisexual friend, whom I knew to be a good person; it didn’t seem to me that she was inherently a sinner just because she liked women as well as men.

However, with everyone diligently writing away, and the teacher noticing my lack of participation, I caved. I did not want to be the freak show in this group any more than I already was. I did not want to be singled out.

My letter said something about how the only time anybody is supposed to have sex is if they are married and actively trying to make babies—which meant that not only priests, but any unmarried Christian person was therefore called to chastity. So, I argued, it’s not gay love that’s the problem, since Jesus taught love, but just the sex, which is a problem for everyone.

Shame-faced, I gave the teacher my letter. He was “approving” them before sending them off to whatever unfortunate group received them. It turns out I was singled out after all—for, in his words, writing the most thoughtful and well-argued letter of the bunch. I was praised for how well I had betrayed my own ethics.

I remember wishing that whatever group got those letters would just toss them unread into a fireplace.

It wasn’t until years later that I was able to admit to myself that I was gay—and that was the happiest, most liberating experience I’ve ever had. Of course, I had years before then left any form of Christian church. Now I’ve been testing the waters on an attempted return back, secure enough in who I am to not let those same negative attitudes that drove me away the first time cause me to lie to myself any longer.

But it still hurts to know that I will never be fully accepted for who I am by those I would like to call “family”—that is, a church family. Other members can talk about their significant others, their kids, their weddings, their anniversaries. When they do I smile and nod, the same as I did in my high school Bible club, and let them tell me with condescending smiles not to worry, that one day I’ll find Mr. Right.

Is it worth it to have the peace that church brings me, if that peace is counteracted by the play-acting I have to undertake in order to be welcome there?

This is one of the letters in my book “UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question,” available in print, as a Kindle book, as a NookBook, and directly from me, signed and inscribed according to your directions.

Christian Issues

Previous Post

May 6, 2014

Jesus' funniest joke

Next Post

May 10, 2014 The mother we never had

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Christian Issues Christian Spirituality Dear John En Espanol Everywhere She's Not Humor Look See Pastor Bob's Corner Personal Portuguese Relationships Russian Short-short story Smith Family Chronicles Uncategorized

Select a Month March 2024 August 2022 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 February 2020 December 2019 June 2019 December 2018 May 2018 May 2017 January 2017 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What city did Jesus grow up in?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Jerusalem Bethlehem Jericho Nazareth

Books by This Author Books by John Shore

See All Titles »