When you’re the rebound guy

Last updated on: January 13, 2015 at 1:47 pm by John Shore

When you’re the rebound guy 2015-01-13T13:47:45-08:00 John Shore

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Hey John,

I recently read your article What Does a Woman Mean When She Says, “I Need Space”? It really made me want to reach out and contact you, to see what kind of advice of you would give me.

I am now twenty-six. I met this girl at my job, where she was an intern, about three years ago. She is now twenty-three. When I met her she was in a relationship with a guy about ten years older than her; they were together for three years.

During their three-year relationship, she and I flirted; we both knew we that liked each other, and I was, I know, the topic of several fights between her and her older boyfriend. She and I never got past flirting, because she was committed to him, and is a very genuine and good person.

Anyway, they broke up, and a week later she contacted me.

We hit the ground running—and John, it was, hands-down, the best three months of my life. Everything felt amazing for the both of us; she said I was so different than her ex, and that she didn’t think anybody could be so good to her. I completely fell for her, and from what she was saying, and how she was acting, she felt the same toward me. I made sure not to slip and make any references to relationships, or to boyfriends and/or girlfriends, or any of that kind of stuff, because I knew it was too soon. So I really don’t think I could of done things differently short of being an asshole to her.

As we were approaching our fourth month together she spent four nights at my apartment, where, she pretty much introduced me to her friends as her boyfriend when she had been drinking. After that she got real weird for no reason. That Monday we were having a routine text conversation, where I asked her to hang-out, and she answered that she needed space, because, she said, she didn’t expect to like me so much so quickly, and was just confused.

At first I thought it was no big deal, but now I don’t know anymore. So for the last month now our conversations have been okay: sometimes really good, sometimes really … nothing there. It’s tough for me to just not talk or act how I was talking and acting when things were so good between me and her. She reassures and tells me that I did nothing wrong, which never helps.

So in this last month we have hung out only three times—about once a week. And I know that during that time she saw her ex, which I am sure is part of the reason that she says she is confused and needs space to figure it all out. I have tried to stop talking to her; if I manage to go a couple of days without contacting her, she contacts me.

John, I am in love with this girl—and I guess I just wanna know: Is there anything left? Or do I really have to just stop talking to her, and move on? I have so many different emotions running through my head, and they each make me want to act differently. I just don’t how to go about it. She is definitely worth fighting for, and that is what I have been doing this last month. I was the one who initiated our hanging out, but I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this.

Thank you for your time.

Oh, gosh. Young love! It’s just like old love … except everybody looks better naked.

So lemme just rerun this letter, with the thoughts that I had in my head as I read it the first time inserted a lovely blue hue, Lou.

I am now twenty-six [awesome age!]. About three years ago I met this girl at my job, where she was an intern. [Oh, no: this opening is way too much like my 100% unacceptable post, True Sex Story, or Normal Guy Lying Like a Dog?] She is now twenty-three. When I met her she was in a relationship with a guy about ten years older than her [ding ding ding goes the alarm bell]; they were together for three years. [Thirty-year-old man in a three-year relationship with a girl who’s twenty-three. Got it. Not lovin’ it, but got it.]

During their three-year relationship, she and I flirted; we both knew we that liked each other—and I was, I know, the topic of several fights between her and her older boyfriend. [So she flirted with you, let her boyfriend know enough about that flirting that it made him jealous—and then made sure to let you know that he had gotten jealous. Okay.] She and I never got past flirting, because she was committed to him, and is a very genuine and good person. [Well, she wasn’t that committed to her boyfriend, or she wouldn’t have spent three years flirting with you. Ah, love. It’s such a complete brain short-circuiter. (Tweet this.)]

Anyway, they broke up, and a week later she contacted me. [What’s up with the time delay? Did she respond to the break-up by going on vacation? Awesome life choice if she did. Carnival Cruise. Because nothing says “I’m over you” like snorkeling. Okay, don’t tweet that.]

We hit the ground running—and John, it was, hands-down, the best three months of my life. [Why? Oh: “running” is a euphemism. I hope everybody got an STD check before … putting on their jogging shoes.] Everything felt amazing for the both of us [TMI]; she said I was so different from her ex [TMI!! TMI!!], and that she didn’t think anybody could be so good to her. [Annnnd enter the snake.] I completely fell for her, and from what she was saying, and how she was acting, she felt the same toward me. [I’m gonna go out on a limb, and guess that she didn’t, actually.] I made sure not to slip and make any references to relationships [what?], or to boyfriends and/or girlfriends, or any of that kind of stuff, because I knew it was too soon. [Too soon to … have a normal conversation with her? This won’t end well. He’s not being honest/normal with her. Now she likes his pliant recessiveness, because safe to say her last boyfriend was a dominating jag. But that’ll pass.] So I really don’t think I could of done things differently short of being an asshole to her. [But … there’s a whole world of options between treating someone like an invaluable glass doll you’re terrified of breaking, and treating them like an asshole.]

As we were approaching our fourth month together she spent four nights at my apartment [oh: maybe they were jogging before! excellent! fitness rocks.], where, she pretty much introduced me to her friends as her boyfriend when she had been drinking. [Pretty much? When she was drinking? This poor guy.] After that she got real weird for no reason. [Really? No reason occurs to you?] That Monday we were having a routine text conversation, where I asked her to hang-out, and she answered that she needed space, because, she said, she didn’t expect to like me so much so quickly [pffft: right. plus, hasn’t it been three years and four months? Not exactly breaking the sound barrier.], and was just confused. [Boy’s bein played.]

At first I thought it was no big deal [?? Aren’t you crazy in love with her?], but now I don’t know anymore. So for the last month now our conversations have been okay: sometimes really good, sometimes really … nothing there. It’s tough for me to just not talk or act how I was talking and acting when things were so good between me and her. [So … then … you’re now trying not to carefully monitor/pre-vet everything you say to her? Go with that!] She reassures and tells me that I did nothing wrong, which never helps. [No, I would think it does, since what she’s telling you is that she doesn’t like you the way you wish that she did. That’s never good news.]

So in this last month we have hung out only three times—about once a week. [It’s over.] And I know that during that time she saw her ex [it’s over], which I am sure is part of the reason that she says she is confused and needs space to figure it all out. I have tried to stop talking to her; if I manage to go a couple of days without contacting her, she contacts me. [Wow. I am so beginning to not be a fan of this girl.]

John, I am in love with this girl—and I guess I just wanna know: Is there anything left? [Yeah. Your heart. On the floor. Get a squeegee and a mop.] Or do I really have to just stop talking to her [no], and move on [yes]? I have so many different emotions running through my head, and they each make me want to act differently. [Find the one that makes you want to give up on your relationship with this girl. That’s your winner.] I just don’t how to go about it. She is definitely worth fighting for [no, she’s not], and that is what I have been doing this last month. [Stop doing that now. It’s like putting on a Broadway production in an empty theater.] I was the one who initiated our hanging out [no: she flirted with you for three years], but I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. [I do: for exactly as long as you want to.]

Thank you for your time.

Dude: You were her rebound guy, the Band-Aide she used on her wounds before she went back to the man who hurts her. That’s awful; clearly, she (like all of us) has some deep stuff she needs to work out. The only way you’re ever going to help her with that—the only way you’re ever going to play any real role in her life at all—is for you to stop letting her hurt you. And there’s only two ways for that to happen: let so much time go by that you just naturally get over her (yay for time!), or get really, really serious about figuring out what exactly it was about this girl that hooked you, reeled you in, and left you flopping around on the bottom of her canoe. Answer that question, and I guarantee you that, if nothing else, the girl who once felt that you weren’t enough for her will then find you very attractive indeed.

Dear John

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