She’s caring for their mother–and they’re angry about it

Last updated on: July 29, 2013 at 7:00 am by John Shore

She’s caring for their mother–and they’re angry about it 2013-07-29T07:00:15-08:00 John Shore

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Got this in:

Hello John,

I don’t know how I found your page, but I am glad I did. You are the only one who hit it on the money.

I am taking care of my mother, and trying to let things roll. I also have siblings who want to compete with me about her. It is very trying. They are older; I am younger. How do I make it clear I am not in it for competition? If you have no answer to that then I understand. But thank you so much for being totally honest about the aging parent. (My worry is about her weight loss. She has done that too much. I hope to get her weight back up though. She will be 79 years young in October.) Thanks again John.

Dear Person Who Wrote Me This:

What can you do to prove to your siblings that you’re not trying to compete with them for your mother’s affections (or money), beyond telling and showing them that you’re not competing with them for your mother’s affections or money?

What can any of us ever do to convince people who think we’re mean or crazy that we’re neither?

You state your case; you state it as patiently, kindly, carefully, and in as many different ways as is reasonable; you do it a few thousand times more, because you want to live the rest of your life knowing that you did everything possible to make peace and promote harmony; you lovingly let everyone know that your door is always open if ever they’d like to talk; you feel sad that things came to such a sorry state; you suck it up, essentially kiss them good-bye, and continue on with leading the most honorable life you know how.

That’s it. That’s what you do when people you care about insist that you are … well, someone not worth caring about. That’s all you can do.

Explain; show love; move on. Those are the three big stones you walk on to cross that particular sort of raging river.

People have to be who they have to be. And a lot of times that means them insisting that you are a person they need you to be in order for them to keep being who they need to be. For their own (unhealthy) emotional purposes, they choose their Bizzaro version of you over the reality of you.

People cling to few things like they do their crazy. And few people are crazier about anything than they are about the whole emotional miasma that’s forever churning around the Bermuda Triangle of the relationship between themselves, their sibling(s) and their parents. The whole parent / childhood / “You’re Dad’s [or Mom’s] favorite!” thing is just … ground zero for human kazoinkerness.

So you’re suffering from the Eternal Family Knot we all get tied into. Bummer for you.

If she’s capable of doing it, ask your mom to talk to your siblings; perhaps she can assuage their concerns. By all means, invite your siblings to help you care for their mother in whatever way they’d like. (It’s been my experience that people bitching about one of their siblings taking care of their mom or dad stop bitching—or at least stop directly bitching—the moment it’s time for them to actually give up any time, money, or effort. What they’re usually really reacting against is their own deep-seated guilt for not doing what they think they should do relative to the care of their parent.) Always let them know that you’re willing to share the work of taking care of their mother.

Hang in there, friend. You’re doing the right thing taking care of your mom. Life’s a long time; it’s likely that at some point down the road one or all of your siblings will appreciate what you’ve done. If not, then it’s their loss. And a terrible loss it is, for it means them choosing resentment and animosity over love. Hopefully, the love you show will guide them to the place of remembering just how much they love you, their mother, and each other.

Dear John

Previous Post

July 26, 2013

Yay for the new day's new way!

Next Post

July 31, 2013 Why am I still a Christian?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Christian Issues Christian Spirituality Dear John En Espanol Everywhere She's Not Humor Look See Pastor Bob's Corner Personal Portuguese Relationships Russian Short-short story Smith Family Chronicles Uncategorized

Select a Month March 2024 August 2022 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 February 2020 December 2019 June 2019 December 2018 May 2018 May 2017 January 2017 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who said, “I am the way and the truth and the life”?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Peter John Jesus Paul

Books by This Author Books by John Shore

See All Titles »