Letter from a sincere would-be polyamorous guy, or a fundy troll faking it?

Last updated on: April 11, 2013 at 9:47 am by John Shore

Letter from a sincere would-be polyamorous guy, or a fundy troll faking it? 2013-04-11T09:47:35-08:00 John Shore

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

If you read or skimmed the reader comments to Christian Polyamory and/or One Man. Two Fiancees. One Prenup-nup, you know that many readers suspect that either or both of their letters were written not by men seeking enlightenment on how they can happily be husband to two wives, but rather by duplicitous Christian fundy trolls.

How I scoffed at those suspicions. I am, after all, a highly respected veteran blogger. Who’s better trained than I to smell a writing rat?

Oh, you think you share with me that refined talent, do you? Wanna test that theory? Great!

This morning I got in the letter below. (Or did I?) Turn on your B.S. detector, carefully read through it, and then tell us whether you think it’s real or fake. Good luck! You’re gonna need it for this one.

Dear “Pastor” John,

I have a question for you, since everyone knows what a genius you are at answering all kinds of dumbass questions from so-called “open-minded” liberal Christians just like me.

I am a the president and CEO of a company that is listed in the Fortune Top 50 Biggest Companies in America. I sure do love being so rich and successful! But you know what they say: “mo’ money, mo’ problems.” My problem is that I am deeply in love with two women. I know that sounds so “out there” it’s like somebody should take me out in the field behind my trailer and shoot me like the air-humping dog I am. But I don’t care if my lust for both these women at once is a foul sin that Satan has inserted into me like a hot trident handle he’s using to confuse me and make me lose all manly control.

Why should I care about that? The rules of God be damned, right, John? Anyone gets to do whatever they want to these days, don’t they? The heart wants what it wants—and what it wants must be right! And my heart (and maybe one or two other places on my super-toned executive body, hee-hee!) wants to have axle-busting porno sex with both of these professional and highly desirable women. And if the two of them want to get hot and heavy together while I kick back with some fried chicken and watch, so much the better! (One of the girls, by the way, is a blonde built just like Marilyn Monroe. You should see her in a bikini! The other is a brunette who looks just like the one on Gilligan’s Island who isn’t a movie star.)

I tell you, I can barely sleep at night wondering which one of those two women I want the most. Then I remember: Oh, yeah! I can have them both!

But then I sober up and recollect that I’m a solid, God-fearing Christian, not some Muslim America-hater who gets to have more wives than I have bottles in my beer bottle collection. Only one of my two hot girlfriends can be my wife. That’s how it used to be, anyway. I know that much. But today, with everyone cheering on the homos getting married left and right, who knows what the rules are? I sure don’t! All I know is there’s no use reading my Bible at all anymore, is there? I might as well throw that useless, man-written book right into the big pit with my other garbage! I might as well read the *Koran—*or even the Jewish bible! Maybe I’ll start reading the Hindu bible! I heard that’s pretty good!

Any advice you could give me and your other “liberal” Christian readers would be much appreciated, “Pastor” John. Whatever you say, I’ll do. WHY NOT????!!!!

Very sincerely yours,

[name withheld]

Humor

Previous Post

April 9, 2013

One Man. Two fiancees. One prenup-nup?

Next Post

April 14, 2013 Do this easy thing or stop complaining about gun violence

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Christian Issues Christian Spirituality Dear John En Espanol Everywhere She's Not Humor Look See Pastor Bob's Corner Personal Portuguese Relationships Russian Short-short story Smith Family Chronicles Uncategorized

Select a Month March 2024 August 2022 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 February 2020 December 2019 June 2019 December 2018 May 2018 May 2017 January 2017 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What Christian group is known for wearing black hats and beards?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Mennonites Orthodox Jews Amish Quakers

Books by This Author Books by John Shore

See All Titles »