Get thee behind me, Santa!

Last updated on: December 15, 2013 at 8:42 am by John Shore

Get thee behind me, Santa! 2013-12-15T08:42:29-08:00 John Shore

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

[READER ADVISORY ALERT: Joke. The below is a joke, with the funny and the laughing and the ho-hoing.]

Don’t we Christians want the primary focus of Christmas to be Christ? And don’t all the Pagan Party People pestering us with their perniciously pervasive propaganda promoting puerile, pea-brained positivity want the primary focus of Christmas to be Santa Claus?

And doesn’t that mean that Santa Claus’s true identify is Satan, the ultimate anti-Christ?

Why yes, it does.

Ho, ho, ho, indeed!

The gall of the Prince of Darkness, pretending to be jolly!

Santa being Satan certainly explains a lot. It explains the red suit, for one. And also the flying reindeer. Remember how totally frightening the flying monkeys were in The Wizard of Oz? Clearly, making mammals fly is an earmark of the deeply malevolent. (And we can see what an amateur the Wicked Witch was compared to Satan Claus. Think about it. Which would you rather have flying overhead, 15-pound monkeys or 400-pound reindeers?)

And what about Santa’s elves? An elf is nothing but a gnome with good PR. And everyone knows that gnomes are deviants who thrill at creating havoc. I used to live in a cabin in the woods that became infested with gnomes. Believe me, that is not something you want to happen. (And if it ever does happen to you, here’s a tip: forget using Raid’s GnomeMotel.™ That product is useless. I set one in a corner of my living room, and woke up the next morning to find those bowlegged little miscreants had built on to the thing. They had built this little jacuzzi—and a freakin’ deck. I mean, c’mon. The workmanship was just awful. And no wonder: typically, there were all these little airplane-size bottles of booze left lying everywhere on the floor. Terrible. To get rid of them, I finally just borrowed my neighbor’s two rottweilers. Boy. Was that ever not pretty.)

And look how closely Santa and Satan’s names are spelled! Proof a’ plenty! And Santa/Satan isn’t the only diabolic anagram going on with their names. Rearrange the letters in “Saint Nick” and what do you get? That’s right: Sick Taint. Do the same with the letters of “Kris Kringle,” and you get nothing less than *Sir Grinlekk—*which only a fool wouldn’t agree sounds like it could totally be the name of a wizard from one of the Harry Potter books!

Santa Claus. Satan’s Cause. Satan’s claws.

None of this is even a little subtle. I’m surprised that children around the world don’t believe that every Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney, leaves a bunch of presents, and steals their souls. And kicks their pets on the way out.

Plus, everyone knows that Satan’s whole thing is to make people believe the exact opposite of the truth. And as we all know Hades is about as far south as it gets. So where, conveniently, does “Santa” live?

But of course: the North Pole.

And do I even need to mention how wrong it is to teach kids to associate getting great things for free with breaking and entering? How long is it before any Christmas-inculcated child with any initiative at all thinks to himself, “Hmm. Santa goes down chimneys while people are asleep. I could go through windows while people are on vacation. Why shouldn’t every day be Christmas for me?” Not long at all, I say.

The Christmas season is now officially upon us. Let us become ever more vigilant against the evil that tries to distract us from its true meaning. Christmas is about Christ—period. And that is why I, for one, will be prepared throughout this entire Christmas season to, at any given moment, stand proudly straight, point accusingly, and cry at the top of my lungs:

“Get thee behind me, Santa!”

Humor

Previous Post

December 3, 2012

Like fearless Jesus, I will whip it good

Next Post

December 9, 2012 Joseph and Mary: The Night Before

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Christian Issues Christian Spirituality Dear John En Espanol Everywhere She's Not Humor Look See Pastor Bob's Corner Personal Portuguese Relationships Russian Short-short story Smith Family Chronicles Uncategorized

Select a Month March 2024 August 2022 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 February 2020 December 2019 June 2019 December 2018 May 2018 May 2017 January 2017 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What does the name "Jesus" mean?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Prince of peace Shepherd God is love The Lord saves

Books by This Author Books by John Shore

See All Titles »