Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Progressive Christian
Good Friends, Or Socially Maladjusted Cretins?

Good Friends, Or Socially Maladjusted Cretins?

Last updated on: December 12, 2011 at 3:12 am by John Shore

Good Friends, Or Socially Maladjusted Cretins? 2011-12-12T03:12:49-08:00 John Shore

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Here’s a letter recently in:

Dear John,

First of all, your posts on all things Christian has me hooked as a fan; reading them is always enlightening. Which is why I want to share something with you.

As a gay college student living in Southeast Asia, I am always discreet about coming out to close friends. Last Saturday, two guy friends and I were on a drive back from lunch, when I told them about me. They didn’t know yet of my sexual orientation, and I felt guilty for not being honest with them.

When I told them, one of my friends caught me totally unaware with a question.

“Do you want to change?” he said.

“No. I accept who I am.”

“Well, do you want a family?”

“Of course, yes—with children. It just means there’ll be no wife in the picture: just me and my husband.”

“If you want a family,” said my other friend, “why don’t you marry a woman?”

“I sometimes find them hot,” I said, “but I don’t get turned on by women the way straight guys do.”

“You just need a girlfriend.”

The three of us argued for some time. My friends kept telling me that I ask for Jesus’ help, I can become straight. I told them that although it doesn’t work that way, I respected their advice, and would think about the merits of what they’d said. They then accused me of being defensive—and said that I was sure to suffer God’s wrath because of my stubbornness.

I never felt so ashamed of myself. Here I am, trying to tell my friends that being gay is not a bad thing—and all I am getting is the charge that I am too lazy to pray for change.

What should I do, John, to defend myself in such a situation—or, better, to make sure such a situation won’t come up again?

Dear young man who wrote me this:

Thanks for sharing this problem with me and us. Affording us such a glimpse into your life helps us know more about our own.

As I’m guessing you already know, coming out to people sometimes causes them to freak out a little. Quite often they soon enough thereafter settle down, though, and become okay with what, to them, is the new you. Sometimes the person coming out just has to wait for that uncomfortable storm to pass. It’s unfortunate that people tend to need that adjustment period, but, let’s face it: we humans aren’t the swiftest group in the world.

Wait. I guess we are.

Yikes. That can’t be good.

Actually, bees seem to be the big geniuses of the planet, don’t they?

Anyway, sorry. Back to your friends.

I hope they come around; I hope they already have. The bottom line, though, is that a gay person coming out soon learns that, like all people, they have two kinds of friends: true friends, and faux-friends. A true friend of yours loves, and wants to be in relationship with, the person you really are. A faux-friend of yours loves, and wants to be in relationship with, the person they need you to be.

When push comes to shove, a true friend puts you, and your needs, ahead of themselves; but a faux-friend puts themselves, and their needs, ahead of you.

Your friends blew it; they definitely proved themselves—at least during that car ride—to be your faux-friends. They made your coming out to them about them: about their needs, their comfort level, their convictions. That’s a giant Friend Fail, for sure. When you come out to your friends, it’s supposed to be all about you. Period.

The couple of times I had friends come out to me, you know what I did? I shut the [bleep] up. I listened. My singular concern immediately became hearing every last word they cared to say. And there’s nothing special about me. That a person coming out to you deserves your full attention and respect is something known by everybody.

Everybody, that is, except for people like your “friends”—who, predictably, are Christian.

*sigh*

My fellow Christians: Please at least have the class to let people come out without immediately banging them on the head with a Bible. We all understand your insipid need to be a complete dick for Jesus, but please try your best to hold off on that for a day or two, won’t you? Thanks! Sign, The Entire Universe.

There. That should do it. Problem solved!

Okay, maybe not.

Tomorrow, friend, I will share with you a thought or two relative to the idea of ensuring that the sort of moment you experienced with your friends never happens to you again.

The short of that is this: You can’t ever stop some people from being, right up in your face, socially maladjusted cretins. That’s just a law of life. What you can change, however, is how often, and how deeply, you let that bother you.

Tomorrow, then! Love to you. Tell your friends that John Shore said that they need to either evolve, or stop hanging out with people who are trying to.

Follow up: Low self-esteem? Pffft. Who the [bleep] are you?

Dear John

Previous Post

December 11, 2011

Who Are You?: A Sermon by Pastor Bob

Next Post

December 14, 2011 Low self-esteem? Pffft. Who the [bleep] are you?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Christian Issues Christian Spirituality Dear John En Espanol Everywhere She's Not Humor Look See Pastor Bob's Corner Personal Portuguese Relationships Russian Short-short story Smith Family Chronicles Uncategorized

Select a Month March 2024 August 2022 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 February 2020 December 2019 June 2019 December 2018 May 2018 May 2017 January 2017 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Which minor prophet foretells the coming of Elijah before the day of the Lord?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Obadiah Joel Haggai Malachi

Books by This Author Books by John Shore

See All Titles »