Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Progressive Christian
She is not responsible for her husband’s suicide

She is not responsible for her husband’s suicide

Last updated on: July 15, 2014 at 10:44 am by John Shore

She is not responsible for her husband’s suicide 2014-07-15T10:44:35-08:00 John Shore

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

I received this morning the following heartbreaking letter from a woman named Erin:

Dear John,

What happens when you do something that you can’t get forgiveness for?

My husband committed suicide three years, four months, and 14 days ago. He needed me, and I wasn’t there. I was too wounded; I was masking it; I pushed him away—and he couldn’t hold on. I left him at the precise moment he needed me the most.

He is gone, forever gone. I’ll never see him; we’ll never speak; I can never say I’m sorry. He can never forgive me. I will live with it forever.

I asked God to forgive me, so I guess he did, right? Great. Honestly. But in this lifetime, I don’t imagine I’ll ever feel any better for knowing that. I can’t go back and change things. I did not do everything I could have done. I am guilty; trust me on this one. I can’t forgive myself. That’s what guilt is right? So, really there is no way to process it.

Dear Erin:

Listen to me now: Your husband’s suicide was not your fault. Trust me on this one. Any counselor (and please get counseling for this) will tell you that your husband’s suicide was absolutely, 100% not your fault.

That you feel guilty about that tragic event is as natural as snow being white. That’s the deal with suicides: they invariably leave behind at least one person who suffers profound, often lifelong guilt over the certainty that they could have done something to prevent their loved one’s suicide. And virtually every single person who has ever felt that way about an adult suicide is wrong about that: there’s never anything that they, or anyone else, could have done to prevent their loved one from taking that tragic final step. (I stress “adults” because younger people are influenced by others to a degree that adults generally are not.)

The real reason an adult ever commits suicide—the only reason adults ever commit suicide—has little to do with events or circumstances that happen outside of themselves. Trillions of people every day get depressed and emotionally desperate, but don’t kill themselves. The only adults who ever commit suicide are people infected with condition of being suicidal. Your husband was suicidal. It’s who he was. He had that terrible illness in him. It’s not your fault that you didn’t have the cure for it.

You absolutely must understand that you could no sooner have stopped your husband from acting the way his sickness made him act than you can control the weather. It’s possible that in any given circumstance someone can interfere and stop a suicidal adult from taking his or her own life—but that’s almost always just a postponement, not a true salvation. A suicidal person who is stopped from a serious suicide attempt most often tries to kill themselves again, because that’s what suicidal people do. That’s the very mark of a suicidal person. Unless they get intense professional help (and quite often even then), they almost invariably find themselves drawn back to that terribly dark place. And there’s nothing anyone but they can do about that—and, as I say, they are very often ultimately helpless to help themselves.

It’s just so awful.

But do know that no matter how understanding, patient, wise, or compassionate you had ever managed to be, your husband would have still killed himself. The only person who could have stopped him from doing that was him, by seeking the kind of psychological counseling that you must now seek for yourself. (He would have also must certainly benefited from pharmaceutical therapy.) Please seek that counseling. It will help you to begin to loosen the burden of your guilt, which is not yours to carry.

One more thing, if I may. The degree to which you are suffering now, Erin, moves you into God’s territory. You just don’t “ask” God to forgive you for the kind of pain you’re suffering, and then sort of move on. Stay with God on this. God has a lot to tell you now, and you have to carefully and attentively listen to it all. And it may take some time for God to tell you everything he wants you to know. Absolutely get counseling, which is now indispensable to your healing. But at the same time put yourself as fully as possible in God’s hands. Open your heart to his healing through the power of the Holy Spirit within you. The Holy Spirit really is God inside of you, talking to you, whispering to you the truths that right now your mind, soul, and body need to hear. Avail yourself of the one who did allow his own life to be taken so that you, right now, could be healed—and so that your husband, where he is right now, could also find himself whole again.

You and your beloved husband will meet again, Erin—in a matter of what amounts to the blink of an eye. And once reunited the two of you will hug, and kiss, and cry, and remember when your earthly lives felt so awful, so painful, so unbearably difficult.

You will have those memories. And then they will slowly begin to fade. And as those memories fade you and your husband, hand in hand, will slowly turn your faces toward the great golden light of the Son.

Dear John

Relationships

Christianity and suicide

Previous Post

November 6, 2011

“Caught in God's Blessing: The Beatitudes": A Sermon by Pastor Bob

Next Post

November 8, 2011 "More Like an Agnostic with Christian Leanings"

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Christian Issues Christian Spirituality Dear John En Espanol Everywhere She's Not Humor Look See Pastor Bob's Corner Personal Portuguese Relationships Russian Short-short story Smith Family Chronicles Uncategorized

Select a Month March 2024 August 2022 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 February 2020 December 2019 June 2019 December 2018 May 2018 May 2017 January 2017 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What continent was the birthplace of Christianity?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Africa Australia Asia Europe

Books by This Author Books by John Shore

See All Titles »