A Woman Minister: “Why Do I Continue to Make These Bad Decisions?”

Last updated on: April 27, 2011 at 9:11 am by John Shore

A Woman Minister: “Why Do I Continue to Make These Bad Decisions?” 2011-04-27T09:11:36-08:00 John Shore

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

The letter below (which, as always, I’m using with the permission of its author) so perfectly illustrates so much: how healing is nothing if not a perpetual process; how deeply rooted within us are the demons that hound us; how our suffering compels our compassion toward others who are suffering; how instinctively we are drawn to our own destruction. How, in the end, we keep fighting against the darkness, keep insisting upon the enduring centrality of righteousness, keep believing in love.

This is how we lose.

And this, finally, is how we win.

John,

The thing about the girl who got stomped, got chlamydia, but has a boy friend broke my heart. In so many ways that story is similar to my own when I was her age. I grew up fundy-conservative and wasn’t allowed to date; what I wanted more than anything was to have a boyfriend, because what I really wanted was someone just to hold me. I went through dozens of men in my early twenties, giving them everything they wanted, trying to get what I wanted. And all I got was broken, battered, sick, empty, and a lifetime’s worth of regret and self-loathing. Bullshitville indeed. I didn’t know how to honor myself as MY-SELF, me, God-in-me-that’s-all-I-need. I was convinced that I needed to be in a relationship in order to be valuable, cuz that’s the lie society and my friends fed me. and I was starving, so I ate it. Dammit.

I started therapy again yesterday. This is my 9th counselor in 13 years. When I got “done” explaining all my history and my shit and my circumstances and what I’m “in for” this time around, she looked at me with surprise/compassion/hope, and said, “You have sooooooo many tools and skills and resources and support networks: How can you continue to make these bad decisions?” And I kinda smiled wryly, and said, “Well, that’s what I’m hoping you’ll help me figure out. That’s been the missing piece all these years: the why.”

My boyfriend kids with me that I’m “the dumbest smart person” he’s ever met. I have these advanced degrees and a fantastic job and a sharp mind … and I make dumb choices that jeopardize everything I’ve worked my ass off for. I self-hijack. I am my own terrorist organization, working to instill fear and destroy infrastructure that I not only built and depend on, but also thoroughly know how to infiltrate. When I’m successful, i am reeeeeeeeeeeeally freakin’ successful. In so many ways. And when i crash, the collateral damage is monumental.

My goal now is to solve the riddle of the why, to figure my shit out and how to protect myself against myself. Thankfully, therapy has brought me, over the years, to a place where I no longer let people piss on my back and tell me it’s raining. Most of the time. Doing a lot better than I used to. But I need to create some internal systems that will disable my proclivity for self-sabotage.

In my ideal world, I’d sit around all day reading and writing and thinking and having important conversations with people and journaling and healing and looking at the sky and the flowers and the birds … and get paid for all that. I feel like I don’t get enough time in my own head. I stopped meditating because each time I sit down to do it, I lose a few hours and it exhausts me and it’s SO GOOD and I love it and wish i could disappear into Holy Spirit like that all the time. But i’m a minister and people need feeding. I’m also a single mom and my son needs my undivided attention. I’m a doctoral student, and have three reams of articles and chapters to read. That’s why I binge-drink every two weeks: to get free of everything. I sit at a dark table and think and it’s great, or I make ten new best friends and we shoot the shit (and liquor) for a few hours. I pay for it the next day in myriad ways, and it could cost me my job and my career and my son and my friendships … .

Bullshitville, here I come. Hence therapy. Again. Still. Probably forever.

And that’s okay.

What I have learned from my own life is how to love without limits. I know how much love I need and I want to give in that same prodigal measure. I love and love and love. I also forgive over and over, as I have been forgiven. I know how to listen and to encourage and to comfort and to be-with, because people have done those things for me. And I’m glad. The hurt in my life is not justified by the blessings that have come out of it, but my suffering is constantly redeemed in what I am able to offer to others. I keep learning.

Do you ever feel like you’re sitting in a confessional, reading all the stuff people pour out of their hearts to you?

Thanks.

P.S. I read your Seven Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships, and several of my friends sent me the link as well, cuz they knew I’d appreciate it/resonate with it. It’s exceptional and every woman in the world should read it. Heck, every MAN should read it as well!!!!

Relationships

Previous Post

April 26, 2011

He Stomped Her and Gave Her Chlamydia. But at Least She Has a Boyfriend!

Next Post

April 28, 2011 A Letter Evangelicals Might Use to Apologize to Atheists

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Christian Issues Christian Spirituality Dear John En Espanol Everywhere She's Not Humor Look See Pastor Bob's Corner Personal Portuguese Relationships Russian Short-short story Smith Family Chronicles Uncategorized

Select a Month March 2024 August 2022 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 February 2020 December 2019 June 2019 December 2018 May 2018 May 2017 January 2017 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who killed his own brother out of jealousy and became the first murderer in the Bible?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Esau Jacob Ishmael Cain

Books by This Author Books by John Shore

See All Titles »