Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Progressive Christian
Truth behind porno letter revealed

Truth behind porno letter revealed

Last updated on: January 19, 2015 at 12:46 pm by John Shore

Truth behind porno letter revealed 2015-01-19T12:46:04-08:00 John Shore

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

We’ve all seen those steamy letters published in a certain sort of “men’s magazine”—the stories that begin with “I’m a student at a small liberal arts college in the Northeast,” or, “My girlfriend Gidget is a redhead with a body so aerobicized she can crack walnuts with her butt,” and so on.

Like many of you, we, too, have often questioned the veracity of such stories.

In the Spring 2012 issue of the men’s magazine Yankyer Doodle, one such letter, titled “Jacuzzi Doozy,” appeared. It was attributed to an “A.W. from Derby Hills, Montana.”

We decided to investigate what, if any part, of the the letter was true.

Derby Hills is a town of approximately 1,000 people, any number of whom, as it turned out, were more than happy to give us directions to A.W.’s ramshackle abode.

Though wishing to remain anonymous, Andy Winkling the author, after much coaxing and four Budweiser beers, was persuaded to reveal to us the true story behind his porn letter.

“I don’t know why I wrote the thing,” he told us. “Just bored, I guess. And I’ve always had a really good imagination. And God knows I read and look at enough porn. So I figured why not make some myself?”

Below is the first half of Mr. W’s letter, as published, broken down sentence by sentence. The first sentence of each pair (marked Letter) appeared in Yankyer Doodle. The second (marked Reality) is the truth, in Mr. W’s own words, of what really happened.

Letter: I’m a student at a small liberal arts college in the Northeast.
Reality: I live in a utility shack in the back of my grandmother’s house in Derby Hills, MT.

Letter: While I enjoy an active, healthy sex life, nothing like what I’m about to tell you has ever happened to me before.
Reality: My idea of a really hot date is to dress up my bed pillow in red lingerie and call it “sweet thing.”

Letter: For the record, I’m six-feet, three inches tall, weigh 190 lbs., and, being on my college tennis team, have a pretty good body.
Reality: For the record, I’m five-feet, three inches tall, weigh 180 lbs., have size 16 feet, and wouldn’t know a tennis racquet from a fly swatter.

Letter: I’ve been told I look a lot like Elvis Presley.
Reality: I’ve been told I look like a beach ball with acne.

Letter: Anyway, last weekend me and a couple of my buddies from the tennis team were lying around in the jacuzzi at our friend Mike’s apartment complex.
Reality: Anyway, last weekend I was lolling around with my dog in a kiddie pool in my grandma’s backyard, farting up a storm.

Letter: We were just kicking back, having a good time, when suddenly a group of stewardesses came around the corner of the building, giggling and pulling their suitcases behind them.
Reality: I was just lying there, coming down off a beer buzz, when suddenly a group of my grandmother’s cronies came around the corner of the house, yakking and dragging their card table behind them.

Letter: My eyes popped right out of my head!
Reality: I kept my eyes closed.

Letter: I’ve always loved stewardesses, with their blue and white uniforms, and those legs like long, smooth willows.
Reality: I’ve always hated my grandmother’s friends, with their blue and white hair, and those legs like short, veiny bratwursts.

Letter: These angels from heaven spotted us, and sashayed over to the side of the jacuzzi to say hello to us.
Reality: These creatures from Jurassic Park spotted me, and plodded over to the side of the pool to crab at me.

Letter: One of them, Cheryl, who had luxurious blonde hair, moist red lips, and a body built for the bedroom, told us that she lived in the complex, and that she and her friends were only staying over one night before flying out the next morning for Rio de Janeiro.
Reality: One of them, Agnes, whose has thin dingy gray hair, lips moist with slobber, and a body built for the bathroom, brayed at me that she and her friends where supposed to meet my grandmother there to play pinochle, but that my grandmother wasn’t home yet.

Letter: I can tell you, that kicked my imagination into high gear!
Reality: I can tell you, that made me wonder if it was possible to croak from boredom.

Letter: Then Cheryl asked if we would mind if she and her friends joined us in the jacuzzi, because, as she put it, “There’s no fun like hot, wet fun!”
Reality: Then Agnes announced that she and her friends were going inside the house, because, as she put it, “We’re sweating out here like hogs on a spit!”

Letter: I could barely believe my ears!
Reality: I could barely believe my ears!

Letter: Could this really be happening to me?
Reality: Could this really be happening to me?

Letter: “Please do!” I said enthusiastically. “Would you like us to help you change into your swimsuits?”
Reality: “Please do!” I said sarcastically. “Would you like me to come in and shuffle your cards for you?”

Letter: “My, aren’t you a nasty little boy?” cooed Cheryl in her playful, seductive voice.
Reality: “My, ain’t you a big fat pain in the butt?” bleated Agnes in her grating, honking baritone.

Letter: And what’s that growing in your swimsuit?” she giggled.
Reality: “Jesus, Andy! Fart much?” she cried.

Letter: The girls turned and pranced off towards the apartments.
Reality: The old ladies turned and shuffled off towards the house.

Letter: In no time at all they were back, looking, in their thong bikinis and bare feet, like nymphs from an island paradise!
Reality: In no time at all they were back, looking, in their giant mu-mus and flip-flops, like something a volcano god had barfed up.

Letter: It sure hadn’t taken them long to change!
Reality: It sure hadn’t taken them long to figure out the house was locked!

Letter: “Move your muscular bodies over, boys!” said Cheryl happily, stepping into the jacuzzi with one long leg.
Reality: “Get your scrawny ass out of that thing, ya bum!” bellowed Agnes, kicking the pool with one ham-like foot.

Letter: “And let the party begin!”
Reality: “And let us into goddamned house!”

Letter: I knew right then that I was about to have the time of my life.
Reality: I knew right then that I was going to have to move out of my grandmother’s house.

The letter continues on from there, of course. But that’s enough.

Trust us. It is.

So remember: pornography isn’t always—in fact, we would warrant to say, is never—what it seems to be.

letters to editor

men's magazines

Previous Post

April 26, 2010

The Restoration of John Shore

Next Post

May 3, 2010 My Conversion Experience: Real, or Synaptic Misfirings?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Christian Issues Christian Spirituality Dear John En Espanol Everywhere She's Not Humor Look See Pastor Bob's Corner Personal Portuguese Relationships Russian Short-short story Smith Family Chronicles Uncategorized

Select a Month March 2024 August 2022 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 February 2020 December 2019 June 2019 December 2018 May 2018 May 2017 January 2017 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

I smashed a clay jar in the Valley of Ben Hinnom to illustrate coming destruction. What did this dramatic act symbolize?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Breaking the covenant The end of idolatry The breaking of Jerusalem The captivity

Books by This Author Books by John Shore

See All Titles »

Related posts from John Shore

Progressive Christian

Trump said . . . (choose your next...

Progressive Christian

Back to school special: A liberal arts education...

Progressive Christian

10 Tips for Becoming an Amazing Husband

Progressive Christian

Life on my blog (sometimes)

TRENDING AT PATHEOS Progressive Christian

Why Christians Have a Sacred Duty to Vote:...

The Bible offers strong support for the sacred duty to vote. Here...

What Being a Modern-Day Apostle Means to Me

In my last column, I discussed the ins and outs of modern-day...

Did Ancient China Once Worship the God of...

Across human history, a common thread weaves through the origins of the...

Love Your Neighbor – Including Earth-Kin: Lev. 19,...

God’s command to love your neighbor means acting in an ethical and...

Lead a Church Study of “Jesus and Lao...

Guest writer Jack Thomas (The Irreverent Reverend) reflects on leading his church...

Principles for Understanding the Apostolic Ministry Today

Whenever people discover that my formal ministry title is "apostle," as in...

view all Progressive Christian blogs

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Copyright 2008-2026, Patheos. All rights reserved.

Subscription Support Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In

Follow Patheos