I, a Christian, Admit It: Atheists Have Been Right All Along

Last updated on: November 5, 2009 at 8:20 am by John Shore

I, a Christian, Admit It: Atheists Have Been Right All Along 2009-11-05T08:20:44-08:00 John Shore

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

blind

Here's a standard Christian youth camp indoctrination game we like to call Follow Jesus.

Atheists: I hereby declare that you are right. I give up trying to pretend otherwise. You win. You’ve got my number. Despite everything I’ve been saying and writing for years, you know the truth, and your laser-like focus upon that truth has finally burned through my facade of deception.

So here, finally, is the truth I’ve been too long denying: All Christians are, in fact, ignorant, narrow-minded, self-righteous, intolerant, intrusive, hypocritical, fear-driven, gay-hating, misogynistic, money-grubbing, imperialistic war-mongers. And you’re right about all Christians thinking and believing exactly alike. We do. We’ve all been thoroughly indoctrinated into the machine of Organized Religion (which is the only kind of religion we care capable of liking or understanding), and are at least once a week brainwashed by our craven, egomaniacal Pastor Overlords into directly correlating our self-worth with how much money and allegiance we pledge to The Church. We’re like helpless children desperately eager to hand over responsibility for our lives to Our Leaders, in whom we unquestionably believe. We’re absolutely incapable of independent or rational thought. That’s why the mere sight of a chart of elements or a microscope makes us react like chimps being poked at with lit torches. The simple fact is that science terrifies us.

We fear knowledge.

There. I said it. And I feel so much better!

The sole reason I ever pretended to care or be interested in anything you ever said, atheists, is because I was trying to lure you into becoming part of the Christian Borg. How else could I tolerate your soulless prattle? Besides relinquishing our money and time to The Church, we Christians are programmed for one thing, and one thing only: the recruitment of fresh blood into our ranks. Each Sunday every pastor tells every Christian in his congregation how many people they’re responsible for recruiting that week. If by the following Sunday a Christian has failed to meet that week’s personal conversion quota (PCQ), he or she must do penance by washing and detailing the pastor’s car right after the service. That’s why pastors’ cars always look so great. It’s amazing what a little Turtle Wax and a lot of guilt can accomplish.

I want to thank you, atheists, for finally breaking down my barriers, and allowing me to admit that you’ve been right all along. None of we Christians are intellectually curious, genuinely compassionate, congenitally independent, or more interested in truth than doctrine. You were right to insist that we’re all exactly alike, despite all the faux-evidence that we take pains to everywhere provide you to the contrary. Some people say that bigotry and blindly stereotyping groups of others is lazy, stupid and caustically arrogant. But I think it’s safe to say that, in my case anyway, you have absolutely and finally proven its value.

Christian indoctrination

christians and non-christians

Christians and Nonbelievers

converting non-Christians

evangelizing

Religion

Previous Post

November 3, 2009

The U.S. Christian Community Finally Returns My Calls!

Next Post

November 6, 2009 An Atheist, Post-Death, Meets God

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Christian Issues Christian Spirituality Dear John En Espanol Everywhere She's Not Humor Look See Pastor Bob's Corner Personal Portuguese Relationships Russian Short-short story Smith Family Chronicles Uncategorized

Select a Month March 2024 August 2022 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 February 2020 December 2019 June 2019 December 2018 May 2018 May 2017 January 2017 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who was the first woman?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Mary Deborah Eve Sarah

Books by This Author Books by John Shore

See All Titles »