Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Progressive Christian
My Life as a Major Criminal

My Life as a Major Criminal

Last updated on: July 23, 2009 at 9:44 am by John Shore

My Life as a Major Criminal 2009-07-23T09:44:36-08:00 John Shore

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

It was a plan of monumental audacity. Its success would bring to its knees the all-powerful institution that existed for no reason but to systematically crush our spirits. Its failure would leave me so screwed I’d have to change my name to Flathead Phillips.

It was absurd to think a crime so vast and intricate could succeed. In order to pull it off twenty-four people, twenty-one of whom had never been involved in any but the most trifling criminal activity, had to perform flawlessly. The crew’s four veterans had needed limited to no coaching. To the others, one by one, I had carefully explained everything—until in the eyes of each I was grateful and relieved to see the light turn on that told me they got it, understood, wanted in. Over the two weeks after that I made sure that each of my new recruits had these thoughts thoroughly drilled into them:

1. Before execution remain calm. Act natural. Above all draw no attention to yourself.

2. Timing is everything. Your window to act won’t be more than thirty seconds. Within that thirty second window the actual doing of your task should take three seconds, max.

3. At the moment of perpetration you’ll be surrounded by many people, any of whom is likely to immediately rat you out if they spot what you’re doing. Keep your movements short, quick, and sure. And as far as possible, use your body to block sight of your actions.

4. Once you’ve committed to the action of your crime, relax into how long those three seconds will seem, and simply finish. It’s true what they say: He who hesitates is lost.

5. Be aware at all times of where in the room your partner is, and what he or she is doing. But do not let that be a distraction to you. Your partner has their job. You have yours. Do yours.

6. If you get caught the entire operation ceases. To the authority on the scene say what you’ve been trained to, get out, and alert at least one person further up the chain that you’ve been compromised and the plan is aborted. Then disappear.

7. You were screened, selected, and recruited for this job specifically for the qualities you bring to it. You are the person for this job. The chain of which you’re now part has no link in it more vital than you.

8. Your participation in this landmark event and your reward for that participation must be one in the same. No matter how long after the fact you might do it, sharing with anyone your knowledge of what we did will destroy all of what we did as surely as if you’d ratted us out at the beginning. For every person privileged to play a role in it, this event comprises two equally colossal challenges: to see that it goes off without a hitch, and if it does to forever shut-up about it. Never forget: Virtue is its own reward. Besides, inevitably we’ll find out if you tell. And for what possible reason would you make enemies of those to whom this event so permanently and gloriously bonds you?

I figured that covered it.

The implementation of my plan was scheduled to begin at five seconds after 3:00 p.m. on Wednesday, March 27, 1968. At 2:45 p.m. that day, in hopes of preserving my sanity, I released into the ether the last vestige of my hope that it would work. I wouldn’t. It couldn’t. Such things didn’t.

It was a good effort, though. I’d had fun trying. Met lots of interesting people.

(I’ll run the concluding second half next time. Cuz even this half, I know, is too long for a blog post.)

***************************************************************************************************************

Fan me, baby

Personal

Fiction

first person narrator

Previous Post

July 21, 2009

Death is the Answer

Next Post

July 25, 2009 My Life as a Major Criminal, Pt. 2

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Christian Issues Christian Spirituality Dear John En Espanol Everywhere She's Not Humor Look See Pastor Bob's Corner Personal Portuguese Relationships Russian Short-short story Smith Family Chronicles Uncategorized

Select a Month March 2024 August 2022 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 February 2020 December 2019 June 2019 December 2018 May 2018 May 2017 January 2017 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

On what mountain did God give the Ten Commandments?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Mount Ararat Mount Zion Mount Moriah Mount Sinai

Books by This Author Books by John Shore

See All Titles »