Should She Return to Her Abusive Ex-Husband, Who Found Christ?

Last updated on: April 1, 2009 at 2:47 pm by John Shore

Should She Return to Her Abusive Ex-Husband, Who Found Christ? 2009-04-01T14:47:42-08:00 John Shore

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

(Update: All the posts of this series have been collected into one piece, Seven Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships, and How to Defeat Each One of Them.)

To those following it, I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to my series, 7 Reasons Women Stay in Bad Relationships. I’ve been under a tight deadline for a book—but that’s done. My next post will be my follow-up to Women in Abusive Relationships: Wave Good-bye to Your Parents.

I have collected all my posts in this series into a 41-page document, entitled: “Seven Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships (and How To Defeat Each One of Them),” and made it available here on Scribd.com for free downloading and/or online reading.

Before writing that, though, I wanted to address this comment, recently left by a woman in response to my piece, Christian Leaders: For God’s Sake, Stop Empowering Wife Abusers:

Dear John,

My sister was abused by her husband for years. After she left him the first time, he became a Christian, and looked to fully devote himself to Jesus and his church. My whole family was happy for him; and after about six months, my sister returned to him. Well, he reverted back to his old ways, and finally went to jail for attacking my sister. She left him again; and then returned to him again. This continued to happen. Last year, she asked us for help once again, and once again left him. This time, though, she filed for divorce, and said she was done with him. It has been almost a year since she and her kids left him. But he is once again claiming that Christ has changed him, this time for sure. He has been preaching forgiveness to her, sending her gifts, and slowly manipulating her. My family and I are so scared that she is going to return to him. He has her convinced that God would not want her to be alone and divorced. So as a Christian myself, I am wondering how many times does a person need to find Jesus? He is playing on her Christian values and morals to win her back. What would your advice be for someone in my sister’s situation? Thank you.

My advice to your sister would be to move as far away from her ex-husband as possible, and to stay away. It’s great that he’s found Christ (again); it’s great that he’s a new man with new ways and an all-new personality. Let him go be a new man with someone else. But what he’s saying to your sister makes it clear he’s no more a new man than changing his socks would make him. If he were the Christian he’s now claiming to be—if God had really opened his heart to the nightmare of what he’s been and done—then he’d be too ashamed, humble, contrite, and respectful of your sister (not to mention her family) to even be thinking about telling her what she now should and shouldn’t do. He should be listening, not telling. And the fact that he’s telling her what God wants her to be and do? That’s not someone who’s found God. That’s someone who’s using God.

My advice to your sister would be to run, run, run—slam her door, bolt it, change her phone number, buy and use how to learn a gun, and get a restraining order against her ex. Do whatever it takes, but keep him out. She needs him back in her life like she needs a brain tumor. Because, again, he hasn‘t changed. Not with the things you’ve told me he’s said to her. He flunks the “But Now I’m a Man of God” test.

And as for the forgiving thing: It’s perfectly all right and even honorable for your sister to forgive her ex. She should. But just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean you have to remain in relationship with them. They’re not the same thing at all. I might forgive a man for knowingly selling me a terrible car he said was great—but that doesn’t mean I have to buy another car from him. Forgiving someone isn’t supposed to make you stupid. Forgive him? Fine and good. Return to him? Fine and good luck.

Subscribe to my rss feed and/or join my Facebook group

Relationships

7 Reasons Women Stay in Bad Relationships

absusive relationship

Previous Post

March 31, 2009

My Visit to a Marijuana Anonymous Meeting

Next Post

April 2, 2009 At My Old Gay Starbucks

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Christian Issues Christian Spirituality Dear John En Espanol Everywhere She's Not Humor Look See Pastor Bob's Corner Personal Portuguese Relationships Russian Short-short story Smith Family Chronicles Uncategorized

Select a Month March 2024 August 2022 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 February 2020 December 2019 June 2019 December 2018 May 2018 May 2017 January 2017 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What Roman road was Paul traveling when he encountered Jesus?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Roman Forum Road Corinthian Way Damascus Road Jericho Road

Books by This Author Books by John Shore

See All Titles »