{"id":29973,"date":"2024-01-07T03:00:36","date_gmt":"2024-01-07T09:00:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/?p=29973"},"modified":"2024-01-06T17:36:23","modified_gmt":"2024-01-06T23:36:23","slug":"for-those-whove-had-enough-tough-love","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/2024\/01\/for-those-whove-had-enough-tough-love.html","title":{"rendered":"For Those Who\u2019ve Had Enough Tough Love"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

I\u2019m sick of all the \u201ctough love\u201d posts on social media.<\/p>\n

For some reason, there\u2019s been a rash of memes extolling the virtues of beating children (I won\u2019t stoop to euphemisms \u2013 that\u2019s what it is). There are no virtues to beating children. If you advocate beating children because you were beaten and you \u201cturned out just fine\u201d you did not, in fact, turn out fine. Be the adult you\u2019re supposed to be and figure out how to teach your kids what they need to learn without traumatizing them.<\/p>\n

If that\u2019s all you know because that\u2019s what your parents did to you, I\u2019m very sorry \u2013 you have my sincere sympathies. But get help so your kids have a safer childhood than you did.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s far from all that motivated this post.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve seen memes talking about how your ancestors who survived ice ages are so disappointed because you have anxiety around social interactions.<\/p>\n

Except anxiety is not new. It\u2019s part of being human. Some of us handle it well, others not so well. Those who didn\u2019t handle it well in the past were usually shamed into compliance, or turned into cannon fodder.<\/p>\n

And then there are the ones ridiculing \u201cmen today\u201d because they don\u2019t have the mechanical skills previous generations had\u2026 largely because those skills are so rarely needed they\u2019ve become obsolete.<\/p>\n

Women have it worse. Whether they have children or not, whether they have a career or not, someone is going to tell them they\u2019re doing it wrong and will regret it when they\u2019re old.<\/p>\n

I know memes aren\u2019t serious discourse \u2013 they\u2019re intended to provoke an emotional response. But they\u2019re being shared over and over again because people agree with them \u2013 in some cases, people I thought knew better.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve challenged a few of them. The usual response is \u201cI\u2019m just being honest.\u201d No, you\u2019re not. You\u2019re trying to make yourself feel superior and you\u2019re being cruel in the process. You aren\u2019t General Patton<\/a> \u2013 who, let\u2019s remember, was forced to apologize by General Eisenhower.<\/p>\n

The world is stressful right now. If you\u2019re handling everything just fine, your job isn\u2019t to toughen people up. Your job is to be on the front lines building a better world where people don\u2019t have to be tough. If you\u2019re dishing out callousness and cruelty and calling it honesty or reality or worst of all, love, just stop. If you can\u2019t make things better for people who are suffering, at least don\u2019t make things worse.<\/p>\n

And that\u2019s all I have to say to the people who are treating others in this way.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019ve been hearing tough love and it\u2019s just making things worse, read on.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

You feel what you feel<\/h2>\n \ This is what honesty really is: you feel what you feel. Other people may think you\u2019re overreacting. Maybe you are, but that\u2019s for you to say, not anyone else. The fact that other people have things worse doesn\u2019t make it any easier for you to deal with whatever you have to deal with.<\/p>\n \ Maybe how you\u2019re expressing those feelings is causing tension \u2013 other people feel what they feel too. Or maybe they just don\u2019t care. In the moment that doesn\u2019t really matter. If you\u2019re hearing abuse masquerading as tough love, get away. Leave the room, delete the text, get off social media.<\/p>\n

You don\u2019t have to like it, but you do have to deal with it<\/h2>\n The world isn\u2019t fair. We could make it a lot more fair than it is, but collectively we choose not to<\/a>. That\u2019s another rant for another time.<\/p>\n Death and disease are part of the realities of life. Our socio-economic system requires people to \u201cmake a living\u201d and then severely limits the ways in which that can be done. One of the purposes of religion \u2013 of good religion, anyway \u2013 is to help us understand the harsh realities of life and then to deal with them.<\/p>\n Figure out how you\u2019re going to deal with it \u2013 whatever \u201cit\u201d is \u2013 without losing your soul in the process.<\/p>\n If you absolutely can\u2019t deal with it, then get help. I\u2019ve had more than a few \u201cI just can\u2019t\u201d moments in recent months, but they passed before they caused me to miss critical deadlines and commitments. I\u2019ve also had some invaluable help from a few close friends. First do no harm, including harm to yourself, including harm caused by inaction. Then go look for help.<\/p>\n

Do the best you can, right now<\/h2>\n \ Doing something to make things better is better than doing nothing. The smallest forward motion can be enough to start building momentum toward better days. If that\u2019s not good enough for the tough love advocates, then to hell with them.<\/p>\n As I discussed in the Divination for 2024<\/a>, if I had taken my own advice \u2013 if I had done what my own Tarot reading told me to do and kept my focus on the business at hand \u2013 I would have had a much better and much more pleasant 2023.<\/p>\n It\u2019s good to have a long term vision and a plan to get you there. But all of that is dependent on doing what you can, when you can, including right now.<\/p>\n

Raise your shields<\/h2>\n \ Maybe you\u2019re not collapsed on the floor with some life coach wannabe screaming at you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Maybe you\u2019re just a bit overloaded at the moment. Maybe the normal give and take of life has gotten personal. You don\u2019t need a miracle, you just need a break.<\/p>\n \ Raise your shields. Recharge them, and then keep recharging them on a regular basis. I recharge mine every morning as part of my first cycle of prayers.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t know how to shield? I teach that in my Introduction to Pagan Spiritual Practice<\/a> course. Mat Auryn teaches it in his book Psychic Witch<\/em><\/a>. Amy Blackthorn teaches it in Blackthorn\u2019s Protection Magic<\/em><\/a>. There are many other resources for shielding, and while some are better than others, most are at least adequate.<\/p>\n Put a barrier between you and whatever \u2013 or whoever \u2013 is causing you stress.<\/p>\n

Maintain your sacred relationships<\/h2>\n* ** The Morrigan is a Battle Goddess. She\u2019s not likely to keep you stress-free, but She is likely to help you learn to fight effectively. Cernunnos is a God of the Wild. He\u2019s not likely to make you comfortable, but He is likely to show you how to navigate dangerous situations. Unlike what the \u201ctough love\u201d memes say, your ancestors are likely to be impressed you\u2019ve done as well as you have dealing with a world that\u2019s far more complicated than they could ever imagine. They\u2019ll do what they can to help \u2013 most of them, anyway.<\/p>\n ** We build our sacred relationships in ordinary times and we maintain them in bad times. That way they\u2019re there for us when we need them most.<\/p>\n ** *Maintain your prayers, meditations, and offerings even when things are difficult. Especially when things are difficult.<\/p>\n <\/a><\/p>\n Refill your cup<\/h2>\n*** ** ***In an emergency we do what we have to do. But what you can do for a day or two is very different from what you can do day in and day out for weeks or months at a time. You\u2019re no good to yourself or anyone else if you\u2019re running on fumes all the time.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t believe me? Listen to Capt. Chris Hill<\/a>, captain of the nuclear powered aircraft carrier USS Dwight D. Eisenhower: \u201cSleep is a tactical edge \u2026 To be healthy, you need 7-9 hours around the same time daily. The goal is to make the enemy sleepless, not your own people!\u201d<\/p>\n Get enough sleep. Eat good food. Drink plenty of water, and drink other things in moderation. Remember you\u2019re an animal \u2013 your body needs to move and sweat, preferably outdoors.<\/p>\n And find joy at least occasionally, even if you have to schedule it<\/a>.<\/p>\n Your life \u2013 your choices<\/h2>\n*** ** For some, \u201ctough love\u201d is a punch in the face when they need a hand up. For others, it\u2019s insult added to injury. And for many, it\u2019s a tiny cut that on its own means nothing, but when combined with dozens and dozens of other minor cuts, adds up to a significant incapacity.<\/p>\n ** Here\u2019s the thing to remember: it\u2019s your life. You get to live it the way you want to live it.<\/p>\n ** And also, if you don\u2019t live it your way, intentionally and on purpose, you\u2019ll live it according to someone else\u2019s wants and desires \u2013 someone who likely doesn\u2019t have your best interests at heart, even if they claim they do (\u201cI\u2019m just being honest!\u201d).<\/p>\n ** Of course there are limits \u2013 all of life has limits. I couldn\u2019t be a professional baseball player because I wasn\u2019t born with the necessary physical abilities. Actions have consequences, and the older you get the more doors close. But within these constraints, you can live the way you want to live.<\/p>\n ** You want to live an aggressive, \u201cbe all you can be\u201d life? Go for it \u2013 take your risks.<\/p>\n ** You want to live a quiet, sheltered life? Withdraw and build your castle.<\/p>\n ** And whether you can say it to their face or if discretion requires you to keep it to yourself, tell those pushing \u201ctough love\u201d to mind their own damn business.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" ** ***I\u2019m sick of all the \u201ctough love\u201d on social media. They say \u201cI\u2019m just being honest\u201d but they aren\u2019t \u2013 they\u2019re trying to make themselves feel superior and being cruel in the process. If you\u2019ve been hearing tough love and it\u2019s just making things worse, read on.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1129,"featured_media":29979,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[4500,4,5,4497],"class_list":["post-29973","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-practice","tag-george-patton","tag-pagan","tag-paganism","tag-tough-love"],"yoast_head":"\nFor Those Who\u2019ve Had Enough Tough Love<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I\u2019m sick of all the \u201ctough love\u201d on social media. They say \u201cI\u2019m just being honest\u201d but they aren\u2019t \u2013 they\u2019re trying to make themselves feel superior and being cruel in the process. 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