Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Pagan
Grieving A Religion That Might Have Been

Grieving A Religion That Might Have Been

Last updated on: October 19, 2025 at 3:00 am by John Beckett

0 Comments

Grieving A Religion That Might Have Been 2025-10-18T13:55:01-06:00 John Beckett

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

The Under the Ancient Oaks course “Unpacking Your Religious Baggage So You Can Live A Magical Life” is nearing conclusion (but it’s on-demand, so you can start it now if you like). This week’s module is “Cutting the Cord” – it covers things we can do to permanently break ties with an old toxic religion so we can focus on healing the damage and then moving forward. It includes a cord cutting ritual, which I find more helpful than “debaptism” or anything like that.

K.D. Echols does the transcripts for the on-line courses, which means she sees them before anyone else does. When she sent me the transcript for this module, she included a comment, which I share with permission:

I wonder if some students will feel grief during the ritual, like the heaviness amid the relief of signing the divorce papers of a dysfunctional marriage. Not grief from wanting to stay in the marriage, but mourning the death of the image of the relationship that turned out to be only in our head.

I’ve never been divorced, but I was in a five-year relationship that ended badly. K.D.’s words ring true. The feelings are similar with leaving a toxic religion, but at least in my case, they were worse. Of course they were worse. I was in that bad relationship for five years. I was in that toxic religion for between 18 and 39 years, depending on how you’re counting.

Different people experience and process grief differently. The 5 Stages of Grief are a gross oversimplification that do not apply in all situations. I felt nothing but relief and excitement when I got out of toxic religion, and again when I discovered Paganism. It was only later, when I thought about what might have been, that I felt grief. Honestly, there are times when I feel it now.

Like that five-year romantic relationship that ended badly, I have no desire to go back to the toxic religion of my childhood. But I still sometimes think about what might have been.

Basilica di Santa Croce, Florence, Italy – 2025

I grieve the loss of two thousand years of continuous tradition

There is power in continuity. There is comfort and security in doing something people have done for centuries – for millennia. We often call our religious and spiritual paths “traditions” even though they’re not particularly old.

The church where I grew up did not acknowledge saints, but there were historical figures they respected and celebrated. I knew other denominations had a rich history and mythology going back much farther. I grieve that loss.

Except: The Christian tradition isn’t as unbroken as it often claims. We know little with certainty about the early church. More importantly, Christian tradition has been broken multiple times: especially the East-West Schism of 1054, Luther’s 95 Theses in 1517, and Henry VIII’s creation of the Church of England in 1534. The 20th century saw many denominations growing closer or even merging – the 21st century has seen more schisms.

Instead: Continuity alone means nothing. The first priority of any healthy religion must be to meet the needs of its followers here and now, not to mindlessly continue traditions that may have been meaningful and helpful at one point but are now restrictive and harmful. Further, we can restore and reimagine old traditions (the modern Druid tradition is legitimately 300 years old) and we can start new traditions here and now.

I grieve the loss of the universal church

The Apostle’s Creed (one of the foundational statements of Christian faith) speaks of “the holy catholic church” – the universal church. While the fundamentalist Baptists of my youth did not recite the Apostle’s Creed (“we have no creed but the Bible” – which completely misses the point of a creed) even they admitted that other denominations had enough of the truth to find their way to heaven, even if many of them wouldn’t. Religious unity is a beautiful and powerful idea.

Except: As with the examples of tradition above, Christian unity is more about the idea than actual practice. If an alien who knew nothing of human religion were to examine the Roman Catholic Church, the Southern Baptist Convention, and the United Church of Christ (to pick three obvious examples) they would conclude that while the groups have common roots, they have diverged to the point they function as separate religions.

Instead: As a polytheist, it’s easy to understand that different Gods call different people to worship, work with, and work for them in different ways. Humans are one species, but we have many distinct languages and cultures – and many different religions. Further, when we accept that religion is about how we relate to each other and to our highest values and virtues and not about qualifying for the good place in the afterlife, we understand that there is no need for universal religion, however attractive it seems to some.

I grieve the loss of liturgical worship

Let me begin by saying there is power in the loud and emotional worship of many low church Protestants, especially in the historically Black churches. But that worship style did nothing for the nerdy little kid I was who craved intellectual rigor and liturgical mystery. One of my uncles married a Catholic and converted – I always wanted to go to their church. My father loved his brother and respected his choice, but he insisted that his own children attend the Baptist church – every week, with no exceptions for curiosity or exploration.

I often wonder how my spiritual journey might have worked out if I had grown up in a liberal, mystical, Episcopal church – something that would have fed my soul and not turned me off with fundamentalist theology and conservative politics.

Except: While different styles of worship and practice appeal to different people, what matters most is the content: the concepts and values being proclaimed and promoted. And while many Christians are inclusive and respectful of other religions, their scriptures and doctrines still insist they are the best way, if not the only way.

Instead: Pagan worship and celebration can be even more varied than Christian worship. Over the years I’ve led and participated in rituals that worshipped the Gods in reverence, that experienced the Gods in ecstasy, that spoke to our need for intellectual honesty and depth, and that connected us to the beliefs and practices of our ancient ancestors. We are not limited to high liturgy or emotional revivals or intellectual reflections – we can do it all, as fits the occasion and the group.

Grieving what should have been, not what was

I grieve the religion that might have been – the religion that should have been.

But this is not the grief I felt when my mother died… or the greater grief I felt when it became obvious that her mental capacities were in serious decline. That was grieving a true loss.

This was like grieving the breakup with my college girlfriend. Yes, there was the loss of companionship, but K.D. Echols was right – most of the grief was over the image of the relationship I had in my head. It was never going to work because the relationship was a bad match, and staying in the relationship would have been worse.

Just like that relationship, the religion I left was toxic. No amount of tradition, no amount of universality, no amount of liturgy would have ever made it healthy.

I needed to get out.

I needed to cut the cord.

And I did.

Moving on to something better

The two years following that romantic breakup were not pleasant. But then I met Cathy and things took off quickly. We just celebrated our 38th wedding anniversary – I can’t imagine being with anyone else.

My religious journey was longer and less straightforward. I left fundamentalist Christianity for progressive Christianity. I left progressive Christianity for a vague deistic universalism. I left that for a solitary Paganism, which led to finding Druidry and CUUPS and polytheism and witchcraft and all the things I do and write about. I’m not finished learning and growing and I don’t expect I will be finished until I take up permanent residence in the Otherworld.

But I’m on a path that calls to me.

I’m on a path that fills my soul.

And I’m committed to this path because I cut the ties to the toxic religion of my childhood. I can’t erase all the bad religious experiences I had, but I’ve been able to unpack them, understand them, and then crowd them out with good and meaningful experiences on this Pagan path.

I suppose I will always wonder what might have been. But I’m happy and fulfilled where I am, and where I’m going.

And that’s cause for celebration.

Previous Post

October 12, 2025

Magic As A Foundation Of Paganism

Next Post

October 23, 2025 Samhain: Remember Who You Are

Recent Comments

0 | Leave a Comment

"Concern about the attitude of Islam toward Pagans is not limited to the Trump Administration. ..."

Maureen Richmond

The Fear of Witchcraft

"Thank you for your much needed review of the Lucas Miles polemic. A key point ..."

Maureen Richmond

I Read Pagan Threat So You ..."

"A number of these are also available streaming through the Kanopy digital service, carried by ..."

C. Lee Vermeers

The Vampire Films of Jean Rollin

"Happy October!"

renniejoy

The Vampire Films of Jean Rollin

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Books Community CUUPS Druidry Foundations and Context Gods and Goddesses Magic Myth Nature Ritual Spiritual Practice Theology Travel Uncategorized Videos

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What sign marked the houses to be spared during Passover?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Blood on doorposts A dove symbol A lit candle A red ribbon