Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Pagan
“He’s in a Better Place” and Other Things Not to Say

“He’s in a Better Place” and Other Things Not to Say

Last updated on: April 27, 2021 at 3:00 am by John Beckett

“He’s in a Better Place” and Other Things Not to Say 2021-04-26T15:53:23-06:00 John Beckett

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Last week Pagan artist and author Robin Wood died. I posted a brief tribute to her on Facebook, which I concluded by saying “the death of someone we do not know is not the time for speculation on what comes next.”

I was a little surprised that those words rolled off my fingers as easily as they did – I’ve had a hard time learning them.

An attentive kid at low church funerals

I grew up going to funerals. As a kid it seemed like some elderly relative was dying every other month. My parents took me and my brother out of school, dressed us up, threw us in the back seat of the car and drove us on trips that seemed like they took forever even though they didn’t.

My relatives belonged to several denominations, but all except one were traditional low church Southern Protestants. All the funerals preached “I am the resurrection and the life” and “in my father’s house are many mansions.” I was a religion geek even at an early age, and it seemed to me that funerals were intended to comfort the survivors and to reinforce common beliefs about the afterlife and how to get there.

I also noticed pretty early on that some preachers wanted to make the funeral about themselves and not about the person who had died. A funeral is not the place for an altar call.

But while these funerals may have served to reinforce common doctrines about death and the hereafter, they weren’t always successful in providing comfort to the grieving.

I was shocked the first time I heard someone I knew to be a devout Christian say “I’m so mad at God for taking him.” How could they say that? Their loved one had “gone to be with the Lord” and it was “all part of God’s plan” and “all things work together for good to those who love God.”

Didn’t they have faith?

Faith vs. cognitive dissonance

It took my 8 or 9 year old self a while to understand that people don’t always believe what they say they believe. I would be a young adult before I understood that almost everyone has the kind of religious doubts I was struggling with – most people just don’t deal with them. And I would be far down my path of Paganism before I realized that rather than providing comfort in times of sorrow, group beliefs often add to the stress.

On one hand, they were being told that what happened was good, even if only in the grand scheme of things.

But all they knew for sure was that someone they loved was now dead and gone and they were in pain. And other people they loved and trusted were telling them they shouldn’t be in pain.

That didn’t make the pain go away – it just made it worse. Now on top of their loss, they had guilt for not having enough faith.

When all they were doing was going through the normal, healthy, human process of grieving.

Some of them walked away from their church. Most would eventually find their way back – life-long habits and the social pressure were too strong. But a couple never did. They never declared themselves atheists – that would have been social suicide – but they might as well have.

Interestingly, some of the very people who rejected the “he’s in a better place” comments turned around and offered those same words to others in future years. They felt the need to say something comforting and they repeated the empty lines they had heard their whole lives. Had they forgotten how meaningless they were to them? I suspect they had.

The need for honesty around death

Providing authentic comfort to the grieving does not require abandoning our beliefs about what comes after death. It simply requires being honest about what we do and do not know.

Death is a mystery. It always has been – I expect it always will be. I have some fairly specific thoughts on what comes after death. But I freely admit I might be wrong. And to me that’s critical – it’s far better to embrace the mystery than to cling to a false certainty.

That may not be comforting to someone who’s spent their whole live thinking in terms of heaven and hell and not giving either of them much serious thought. The need for honesty around death begins with not teaching a false certainty to begin with.

There is value in exploring death and the afterlife. The older I get and the more I realize I’ve got a lot more years behind me than in front of me, the more I find my experiences of the Otherworld and the beliefs those experiences inspire to be reassuring. But once I die, my beliefs will be of no further value. Even my fellow Pagans don’t agree on what comes next – my Christian friends certainly don’t.

Simply acknowledge that death is a mystery – a mystery that we will all one day encounter.

Accept that grief is natural and necessary

This is the hardest part for most of us. And if it’s hard to accept when we’re the ones grieving, it’s even harder to accept when it’s our loved ones who are hurting.

Sometimes this is because we make it about ourselves – we don’t want other people bringing us down, no matter who or what they’ve lost. But more often, our desire to make things better is genuine – we love them and we want them to feel better. So we grasp for something to say, something to do, anything to make things better.

But we can’t make it better – we can only make it worse with words that mean nothing in the moment.

We can’t make our friends not suffer.

We can only make sure they don’t suffer alone.

Celebrate a life well lived

In the moment there’s nothing we can do but offer a shoulder to cry on. But by the time we get to a funeral, we can talk about what the person did well – what they enjoyed in life.

This is where I get annoyed with many Christian funerals – the ones that focus on preaching sermons instead of celebrating the life of the deceased. One of the best things we can do to begin the process of recovery is to remember the good times, the accomplishments, and the milestones.

This is also a reminder that we never know how long our lives will be. Don’t wait to do the things you’ve always wanted to do, or the things you’ve always felt you’re supposed to do – do them while you still can.

We live on in what we leave behind

What happens to our souls – the essence of who and what we are – after death is a mystery. What happens to our legacy is not.

Speaking of Robin Wood, I said “this much we know: all of us will live on in what – and who – we leave behind. Robin Wood will live on in her art, and in all the people she touched, for a very, very long time.”

You need not be a famous artist to live on after death. We will all live on in the families and communities we’ve been a part of. We’ll live on in our children and grandchildren, and in those we’ve adopted as family – whether legally or informally.

Every one of us makes an impact on this world, to one extent or another. That impact continues long after we die.

There is a place for co-religionists to do serious religious work

Much of what I’m recommending here is very humanistic. That’s good and necessary, but it’s not always sufficient. Many religions teach that there are things the living must do for the dead – things that go beyond comforting those who are left behind.

These things vary widely from tradition to tradition, but they start with prayers and offerings for a safe and easy crossing. They may involve calling ancestors or psychopomp deities to help with the transition. There may be other rites to perform. Some of this can be done in a funeral – other parts may need to be done privately.

Those who are grieving the most may not be up to such work. Or doing it may help them process the reality of the transition and begin to move on. Each situation is different – approach each case with compassion and flexibility.

Accept your limitations and move forward in love

It’s as impossible to stop grief as it is to stop death. Trying to stop either gets messy and makes things worse. Let Nature run its course.

Accept the mystery of death. Speak only what you know is true and not what you believe is true, and especially not what you’ve been told you’re supposed to believe. Comfort the grieving with your presence, not with your words.

This has been a hard lesson for me to learn. There have been times when I made things worse when I was genuinely trying to make them better.

My prayer is that you learn this faster than I did.

Previous Post

April 25, 2021

Under the Ancient Oaks Online Beltane Ritual: May 1

Next Post

April 29, 2021 Why I Block Every “Law of Attraction” Account I See

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Books Community CUUPS Druidry Foundations and Context Gods and Goddesses Magic Myth Nature Ritual Spiritual Practice Theology Travel Uncategorized Videos

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What does "Bartholomew" mean in Aramaic?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Servant of God The Lord is my Shepherd Son of Talmai Fisher of Men