I’m No Fan of Valentine’s Day

Last updated on: February 11, 2016 at 6:00 pm by John Beckett

I’m No Fan of Valentine’s Day 2016-02-09T19:11:51-06:00 John Beckett

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

My earliest memory of Valentine’s Day is from kindergarten. The teacher had us make “mailboxes” from construction paper – open ended envelopes with a repositionable flag to indicate mail had been delivered. When I asked what it was for, she said “February 14 is Valentine’s Day – if somebody likes you, they’ll put a valentine in your mailbox.”

That sounded like fun. I was going to get mail all my own (as opposed to the real mail which never had anything for me) and I could find out who liked me. And I could send valentines to the people I liked. But then the teacher said “remember – you need to bring a valentine for everyone.”

I clearly remember my confusion at this point. “But what about the people I don’t like?” I don’t remember if I actually asked the question. I probably didn’t – even at that young age, I had learned that adults didn’t respond well to questions that challenged their ideas about the way things were supposed to be.

I got even more confused when I realized that everyone would be bringing a valentine for me. How was I supposed to know who really wanted to Be My Valentine and who was just doing what they were told to do? I examined each valentine carefully, looking for clues as to the real sentiment behind them. As I recall, I didn’t find anything, either forensically or psychically (I was looking for magic at a very early age, but that’s another story for another time). The whole thing was a nice diversion, but it was no big deal.

Fast forward to junior high school and the first Valentine’s Dance. Which I didn’t attend, because I didn’t have a valentine in any sense of the term. I was a stereotypical brainy nerd with high social anxiety and low social skills. There was something cool going on, but I didn’t get to participate.

My senior year in high school I finally had a girlfriend and I looked forward to going to the Valentine’s Dance for the first time. I had been to at least one other school dance so I knew what was involved, but I still had the idea that the Valentine’s Dance would be special – magical, even. But no, it was the same collection of kids trying to dress up and look sophisticated, a few dancing well and most dancing poorly, and it did nothing to enhance the love and affection I felt for my girlfriend (such as it was – that was an awkward relationship that lasted too long and ended poorly – but that’s a typical story that’s not worth writing about).

None of this compares to the sheer misery I felt during the two years after college when I was single. My co-workers were talking about their big Valentine’s plans and I was reminded that I wasn’t participating.

As these stories show, I’ve never been particularly fond of Valentine’s Day. Though I’ve had some good experiences during the years Cathy and I have been together, my strongest Valentine’s memories are of disappointment and exclusion.

I think there’s value in a day to celebrate romantic love and relationships. It’s tempting to say “celebrate your love every day” and some people can do that. Most of us, though, get busy with our routines of work, school, family, and household. If we’re wise we include spiritual practice, physical exercise, and religious community. Of course we love our partners and we show that love in the ordinary things we do to support them, but it’s all too easy to forget there’s something more involved – particularly for those of us for whom romance doesn’t come easily. Just as we have special days to remind us of our devotion to the Gods and the Earth, it’s good to have a special day to remind us of our devotion to our partners and to give us a prompt to express that devotion in a tangible fashion.

Our current Valentine’s Day does a very poor job of that. I’m not going to blame the commercialization, although that certainly doesn’t help. But like advertisements, Valentine’s Day sets a standard for what a romantic celebration should be that’s unhelpful for most and impossible for some. Our culture insists we should all be partnered. We’re finally to the point where most folks realize some people want and need to be partnered with someone of the same sex, but we still ignore those who prefer to be single and those who prefer to be in multi-partner or open relationships.

Even when our Valentine’s Day activities and imagery become more inclusive, they still scream taunts and insults at those who want romance but can’t find it, for whatever reason. It’s like when I’m planning a Beltane ritual and want to emphasize the lusty aspects of the holiday, but then remember that even if I’m able to do it in a way that doesn’t presume cis-hetero normality, there will still be at least a few people whose only outlet for their lusts will be themselves. And while that outlet can certainly be a good thing, it’s not when you really want to celebrate with someone else.

I hate blog posts that complain about the way things are and then don’t offer a better alternative, but I don’t have a better alternative to offer. I certainly don’t want to take Valentine’s Day away from those who enjoy it. And I don’t want to go back to kindergarten where everybody gets a valentine even if they’re meaningless. But I really wish we had a better way to celebrate our romantic relationships.

This Valentine’s Day I’ll be alone, or as alone as anyone can be when you’re in a hotel with 2500 other Pagans. I’ll be at Pantheacon, while Cathy – who comes to some of our CUUPS circles but who has no interest in large gatherings – will be home. That we’re both OK with this is one of the reasons we’ve been married for 28 years. We’ll pay our homage to St. Valentine next weekend. It’s expected, and if you’re in a good relationship it can be fun.

But I still wish we had something better.

Previous Post

February 9, 2016

ADF Texas Imbolc Retreat 2016

Next Post

February 14, 2016 Druidry Is Not My Religion

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Books Community CUUPS Druidry Foundations and Context Gods and Goddesses Magic Myth Nature Ritual Spiritual Practice Theology Travel Uncategorized Videos

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

How many years did the Israelites wander in the wilderness?

Select your answer to see how you score.

25 years 40 years 10 years 100 years