What Happens to the Pastor When People Leave the Church

Last updated on: March 1, 2017 at 6:58 am by Scot McKnight

What Happens to the Pastor When People Leave the Church 2017-03-01T06:58:03-06:00 Scot McKnight

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

By Deacon Godsey, Northern Student in the MA in NT Context cohort

WHAT A PASTOR GOES THROUGH WHEN PEOPLE LEAVE THEIR CHURCH…

Deacon Godsey
Pastor, Vintage Church

Over the last 6+ years of serving as a Lead Pastor in a local church I like to think I’ve grown as a pastor, preacher, teacher and leader. I’ve expanded my skill set, broadened the pool of voices that speak into my life, and deepened my theological education. Unfortunately, one of the things I often feel like I’ve done most effectively is develop the “spiritual gift of ecclesiastical repulsion,” or “the ability to cause people to leave your church at an alarmingly consistent rate” (#NonTraditionalSpiritualGifts.)

I emphasize the word feel here because, while I logically know this isn’t completely accurate, the emotional side of the equation makes it extremely difficult to stay in a place of reason over emotion. As a pastor, when someone leaves the church you try not to take it personally or have it affect you on an emotional level, but unless you wall yourself off and become spiritually bitter and relationally isolated, that strategy just isn’t feasible over the long haul. I can’t speak for all pastors, of course, but the truth of the matter is – for me – whenever someone leaves the church it does feel personal, whether I (or my wife) want it to or not, and this gets compounded over time.

A couple leaves the church because your theology of God’s sovereignty isn’t quite as “detailed” as they’d like it to be, or your teaching is a little too “heady” for the young people they’re trying to bring on Sunday mornings, and though it takes some time, you eventually realize you can’t please everyone and do your best to move on.

[I, SMcK, jump in here to draw attention to why I wrote A Fellowship of Differents: loving those who are not like us is at the heart of the church.]

Soon after they leave, you accidentally fail to show up for the “pastor appreciation” breakfast at a child’s local Christian school, and despite your sincere apologies and efforts to make it right, the family gets offended and decides your church is no longer for them. You do your best to learn from it so you don’t make the same mistake twice, and though it takes some time, you realize no one is perfect and do your best to move on.

Several months later it becomes clear that your view of sin and God’s wrath aren’t quite as “reformed” as some key couples on your leadership team would like, so they elect to graciously step aside (so as not to cause division on the team, which you respect and are grateful for.) Unfortunately, both couples are the point leaders of your college ministry, have done a great job of developing deep, personal relationships with those students and, as a result of their decision to leave, a minor exodus occurs, effectively decimating your outreach to college students and your connection to their campus ministry. You try to live in the knowledge that this is ultimately for the best for all involved, but still…it sucks. You feel like a failure. You feel angry, rejected and betrayed…like you’ve squandered the last several years of investing your heart, soul and mind into these leaders and students, but its all fallen apart and its all because of…you.

I could go on, of course, but you see where I’m going. Situational details change, but the overall reality is the same: people leave. For one reason or another, despite your best intentions and your best efforts, people you genuinely love and view as members of your “extended family” (whether you consciously refer to them that way or not) decide to leave your church, and if you’re honest with yourself, it often hurts like a punch to the gut.

It takes time (sometimes years) to figure this out, but eventually the weight of reality hits you. No matter who you are, or how Christ-like you try to be, the fact is: you’re too “liberal” for some people, or too “conservative” for others; too into “justice ministry,” or not “woke” enough; too “Calvinist” or too “Arminian;” too intellectual or too emotional; too into “law” or too into “grace;” too reliant on sports or movie analogies, or not creative enough to effectively use them in your preaching; too “transparent” with your life, or not “authentic” enough; talk too much about money, or…well…no….no matter what you do, you just talk too much about money.

When this weight hits you, you start coming to grips with a corresponding reality: no matter how faithful you try to be Scripture, no matter how hard you pray for the people in your church, some of them – for one reason or another – are going to choose to leave, and though you may not want to admit it, the truth is: that hurts.

It hurts not simply as a pastor, but as a human being…as a friend…as a sibling in Christ…as a co-laborer in ministry. It hurts your spouse who walks through this with you, who loses these friends right along with you, all while carrying the extra burden of trying not to carry offenses on your behalf. If you have kids, it hurts them as well, as they lose friends with little understanding of why, and with the added challenge of trying to navigate the emotional turmoil in your home (something you try desperately to dispel, but usually with little success.) And it hurts your team as a whole, as they wrestle with the relational loss and the potential impact on the kingdom vision you’re leaning into together.

All of which, of course, rebounds to you, the leader. You try not to carry the emotional weight of the world on your shoulders; you try not to carry the burden of your church’s kingdom effectiveness solely on your back; you try not to wrestle with the sense that its ultimately your responsibility, or the questions of whether people would still be leaving if you were just a better leader, or a better preacher, or had a better worship experience, or…

…

And the reality is, they would.

People would still leave.

No matter how great a leader you are, no matter how skilled a teacher, how gifted a worship leader, how relational you are with the students, how life giving you are with the kids…people will still leave. And that will always be hard, it will always require your courage to admit that, and it will always demand your willingness to do the hard work of grieving over it. It will never be something you learn how to “get over,” but it can – and must – become a reality you learn how walk through.

Uncategorized

Previous Post

March 1, 2017

Kingdom: IH Marshall and S McKnight

Next Post

March 1, 2017 Ash Wednesday (Jonathan Storment)

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Acts of the Apostles Adam Advent Anabaptism Angels Anglican Apologetics Atonement Baptism BCP Prayers Bible Biblical Studies Birds Blogging Bloglossary Bonhoeffer Books Calvinism Christianity Church Church History Coffee Colossians Commentary Recs Conversion Creation Creeds Culture Death Ecclesiastes Economics Education Embracing Grace Emergent Emerging Movement Eschatology Essays Ethics Eucharist Evangelicalism Family Fasting Fathers Fellowship of Differents Footsteps Tour Fun and Whimsical Gospel Grace Happiness Heaven Hell Holy Spirit Irenaeus James Jesus Jesus Creed Job Justification Kingdom of God Law Lectures Lent Liberalism Love and Marriage Mabanteneni Manhood Mary Miracles Missio Alliance MissioLife Missional Missional Jesus Movies and Film New Perspective Northern Seminary OneLife Origins Project Orthodox Parables Pastor's Spouse Pastoring and Leading Pastoring and Preaching Patristics Paul Paul-John Tour Pharisees Pietism Political Theology Prayer and Formation Preaching Problems for Faith Psalm 119 Psalms Public Issues Purgatory Religions Resurrection Revelation Romans Rule of JCreed Science and Faith Sermon on the Mount Sports Ten Commandments Theology Third Way Top Ten Lists Translations Uncategorized Universalism University Ministry Way Out Weekly Meanderings Wisdom Women and Ministry Work Worship Writing & Blogging Youth Ministry

Select a Month July 2021 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007 March 2007 February 2007 January 2007 December 2006 November 2006 October 2006 September 2006 August 2006 July 2006 June 2006 May 2006 April 2006 March 2006 February 2006 January 2006 December 2005 November 2005 October 2005 September 2005 August 2005 July 2005 June 2005 May 2005 April 2005 0000

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What Christian group follows the Nicene Creed?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Orthodox Seventh-day Adventists Jehovah’s Witnesses Baptists