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The Church: The First Days (Part2of15)

The Church: The First Days (Part2of15)

Last updated on: December 1, 2015 at 12:05 pm by Jeff Hood

The Church: The First Days (Part2of15) 2015-12-01T12:05:04-06:00 Jeff Hood

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Though this is definitely outside of what I normally write, I’ve decided to publish a novella entitled “The Church.” From Nov. 30 to Dec. 15, I will be publishing the work of fiction in 15 parts. Each day, I will publish a part of the story of Christian and his quest to plant the largest progressive church in the world. I will publish the entire work at the end. Today, I’m publishing part 2 entitled “The First Days.” Enjoy!

The First Days

Darkness filled the early morning hours. At the time, I loved the early mornings. I felt like I was the only one. Now, I know better. I moved quickly to press the coffee. Once the cup was poured, I took three deep breaths. I dared not take another. I felt like that would be wasteful. Every step reminded me of my loneliness. They say that you’re never alone when you’ve got God. They are full of shit. The carpet crunched. I could feel the excess cleaner getting caught beneath my toenails. I thought about getting my slippers from the bathroom…but I knew the slippers were right next to the lotion and that would just lead to getting lost in a round of morning masturbation. I couldn’t have that. I had to keep my mind right. God called me to plant a church damnit! Regardless of my will, I was stuck to the floor somewhere between masturbation and meditation. Frozen in time, I could feel every bone in my body. I never thought I’d be alone like this. I guess God called me to something more than anyone else was ready for. I finally retreated to the small balcony. I loved that place. I can still feel the cold Texas air. I opened the Bible and stumbled toward the feeding of the five thousand. I figured that if Jesus could feed the five thousand then she could certainly turn a miracle out of me.

For the first few days, I wandered around Jackson, Texas. I’d never been in a city so large or diverse. I met many different types of stories. The homeless man told me about the apocalypse. The teacher told me to pray for her. The landscaper told me about the drought. The police officer told me to quit talking to him. The nurse told me about the healthcare shortage. I heard it all and then some. I forever wanted to hear more. There was a spiritual hunger growling within me. I knew I was doing the Lord’s work in the land of the living. By the time Friday came around, I was ready for BoysTown.

I don’t think anyone knew I actually fucked men back in Jefferson. Well, I guess the men I fucked knew but no one else did. When you’re religious in Mississippi, being flamboyant is just part of the territory. We are a flamboyant people. No one was suspicious of anything. I had the little rainbow flag on my car but that flag is so common these days. When I asked God to heal me, she laughed in my face. I quit asking and decided to live. That night, I prepared my body like I was preparing the sacraments at church. I guess in my mind I was. I put on the nicest underwear I owned. I figured it would help me stand out in a crowd. When I got in the car, I turned on the ventilation system to keep from choking to death on the cologne I bought at the drug store. Nothing was going to stop me.

When I got the club, I used the valet service. Tossing my keys to the young attendant, I felt bad as shit. As the doors slid opened, I made sure I gently jiggled my ass back and forth all the way to the bar. An older queen I knew back in Jefferson taught me that trick. After ordering a drink, I told everyone around me that I was planting a church. No one seemed too impressed. One man leaned over and said, “We already have churches and we hate all of them. Why do we need another?” Another woman declared, “God is like shit. The best thing you can do is squeeze it out, flush and be done with it.” When someone asked for my name, I proudly declared, “Christian.” Three people spit out their drinks they laughed so hard. I guess they thought my life sounded like some crazy novella or something. Everyone started bringing friends over to meet the guy named Christian who was planting a Christian church. Stiff drinks seem to make everything funnier. I got tired of being the blunt end of everyone’s jokes. Humiliated, I knew it was time for me to go. Walking down the street to Swinging Dick’s, I got shitfaced.

Stumbling out a couple hours later, I ran into the hottest man I’d ever seen. When we started to flirt, I was in heaven. The celestial warmness extended to every crevice of my body. Before I got carried away, I had to make sure he was a Christian. I started preaching:

“Jesus said, ‘I am the light of the world.’ You have brought much light into my life and I want to make sure that you know the source of light.”

When I became assured he had all kinds of light in him, I went in full force. As we started to kiss, he stopped me and asked for some money before we went further. Though I didn’t even know his name, I would’ve given him anything he wanted. I was so in love. Before I could even get one more kiss in, police swarmed in from everywhere. The female officer informed that I was being arrested for solicitation of prostitution. My last words as I was being put in the squad car echoed throughout BoysTown, “But I came here to plant a church!!!”

With no friends or family close enough to get me out, I sat in the filthy Jackson County Jail for much longer than I anticipated. Throughout my time there, I met all kinds of people who were there for all kinds of crimes. I started building my church with those that Jesus referred to as “the least of these.” I led meditations, yoga, lessons, readings and whatever else I thought would get people interested. When I finally stepped out of the cell, I realized that I had been in that joint for 5 days. The guard told me that the charges were dropped for lack of evidence (aka they lost the tape). I was so happy that I slightly shit in my pants. “God is so good!!!” Over the last week, I’d passionately kissed the hottest guy I’d ever met, I collected a roster of over a hundred people for my new church and God busted down the jailhouse doors. “Hallelujah!!!” Walking out, I knew I was more than just a church planter…I was the rainbow prophet of God.

rainbow prophet of God

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