God, Please Damn Black Friday

Last updated on: November 23, 2018 at 1:14 am by Jeff Hood

God, Please Damn Black Friday 2018-11-23T01:14:53-06:00 Jeff Hood

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Jdimytai Damour/Wal-Mart/Public Video ScreenShot

Stuff. Stuff. Stuff. How much turkey/dressing/pie/corn/casserole/rolls can you get down that little whole? Stuff. Stuff. Stuff. Once you are about to shit all over yourself and can’t consume anything else, you stop. Unable to move much, you pull the newspaper across the table. The ads fall out all over the table. Beautiful images adorn every page. Regardless of it all, you know what you want. Your television just isn’t as clear as it was when you got it six months ago. You are desperate for another one. Praise God! Wal-Mart is next. There on the second page is exactly the television you want. Unbelievably, it is marked down 500 bucks. You’ve got to have it. Though quick goodbyes are necessary, you get out of there as fast as you can. Neglecting to do anything else…you race to bed. Just before you close your eyes, you pray that you will get the television…because you know that you deserve it.

Beep. Beep. Beep. You feel like death. The television is the only thing keeping you going. Bam. Bam. Bam. It’s your ride. Racing outside, you look at your watch. Praise God! You’re running early. Your ride drops you off at the front door. You stand right against the glass. The crowd behind you grows bigger and bigger as the hours pass. When the security guard timidly opens the doors, humanity bursts forward. In your rush to the television, you knock down him over. Nothing is going to keep you from that television. Once you grab it, you sit there and hold it for a second before you take it to the register. As you head to the front, you give people the look of death and dare them to come near you. Once you get your receipt, you lift your hands up to God in praise.

Standing at the front of the store, you wait on your ride. When you look up from admiring your television, you see numerous emergency vehicles. The closer you get, the more you realize that there is a body just inside the front door. When you ask what happened, a firefighter responds, “Some greedy asshole knocked him over and a bunch of other greedy assholes trampled him to death. Surely a damn television isn’t worth a life?!?!”

RIP Jdimytai Damour

Trampled to Death at Wal-Mart

Black Friday 2008

Amen.

*More: https://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/30/nyregion/30walmart.html

Please Damn Black Friday

Wal-Mart

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