Hide Your Kids, Hides Your Wife!

Last updated on: April 7, 2015 at 5:26 am by Alyssa Bethke

Hide Your Kids, Hides Your Wife! 2015-04-07T05:26:24-10:00 Alyssa Bethke

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Hide Your Kids Hide Your Wife

…because Costco is cray cray!

I use to thrive on big crowds and getting my goals accomplished. Not thrive in big crowds- no no, that’s an introverts worst nightmare. But rather, thrive on going into big crowds and conquering them.

For instance, Disneyland. My dream. Lots of people- no problem. Fast pass was my best friend! I’d zip to and fro, in and out of the lines, trying to go on as many rides as I could.

Since being a mom though, let’s just say my anxiety issues have quadrupled- well, I didn’t really have them before, but now I have to fight them most days. And here on Maui, nothing gives me greater anxiety than COSTCO.

That’s right. Costco.

Now the fact that Maui even has a Costco is a miracle, considering we are STRAIGHT UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN. (A fact that still gets me every time I think about it.) Needless to say, people come from near and far to get their shopping done because let’s be honest, if you shop anywhere else here you have to take out a loan, or dip into your children’s college tuition.

It’s like the perfect storm. You have all the tourists that come in from who knows where- and does their “stock up” at Costco before they head off to their condos for their week of bliss. You also have all the people from Lanai (a nearby island) that come over by boat to load up since Costco is the way to go, and then of course all the people who live on Maui.

People, you don’t even know. Picture going to Costco the day before a big holiday- yeah, it’s like that ALL THE TIME. I have to literally prepare myself all week, put on my armor and head out as if I’M GOING TO WAR. IT’S A BATTLE PEOPLE.

And hence, why they have free samples. IT’S THE ONLY WAY.

With Easter this past week, I knew I would have to go. I had been working on my list all week. I strategically chose the best time of day—when Kins was sleeping, and when I knew they weren’t doing road construction on the only road to Costco. (Because these are the things you think about when you’re a mom. Time is of the essence people!)

I prayed, grabbed a cheese stick and was off. Deep breathes.

It started off real well. I was feeling energized, courageous—had my plan. I grabbed my cart and walked in, knowing my route. I was decisive. Avoided the crowds. Even grabbed my first sample, which was amazing. Easter samples man. They know how to do.

But then the first roadblock came. The cheese and meat aisle. These are big decisions. People were posted at their stations, reading, contemplating, trying to weigh the meats and choose the best cheeses for their Easter brunches. No worries. I had this. Grabbed a cheese sample, and I was off.

Then I hit the produce. It was as if people had never seen fruits and veggies before. Families were huddled together in corners. Carts were lined up. People were coming in and out of the cold section- brrrr. A man walked past me and told his wife, “This is a zoo.”

No truer words have been spoken.

I literally had to pull over and wait for people to pass. Perhaps we need to invest in some intersections and lights?

See, the problem here is that you have all these vacationers who are slowed down- ambling by. Taking in the sights. And then you have the locals who are just chill always. Slow walkers, on island time bro.

And then there’s me. MOM ON A MISSION. I have to be back in time when Kins wakes up & relieve my Moondoggie. You have to consider the check out time, and getting gas (because Costco is so much cheaper) and then driving home, and unloading. Mom’s- ya with me!?

I was almost done with my list. I was surviving. And then there she was. The Maui Cookie Lady. Sporting her cute, little pink polka dot apron, charming all the children with her Jamaican accent and cookie display. Picture the store LUSH- A soap of delicious soaps and how they display them with chalk art and piles of these luscious (hence the name I suppose) soaps. It was like that but with these big, fat cookies. The kids (and parents) were lined around the corner. It’s as if Mickey Mouse was there. Oh, and you know I stood in line with them to grab a taste. And that’s what did it. I shut down. My brain started to go into Acoma. I couldn’t make decisions anymore. My blood pressure was low. I was done.

Finally I got to the check out- barely alive. I couldn’t even think straight to talk to the cashier. I had just made 500 decisions on food, and prices, and walked through 500 people all armed with their families of 5. And then you get the price of your purchase, and about faint as you slide your debit card through the holder, shakily might I add. Let’s just say we are proud executive members and will have no problem getting that 2% back at the end of the year.

Ya’ll. The battle is real. So I’m curious—how do you mamas survive!? Any tips? Survival strategies? They need to teach you these things in school!

All in the day of a new mama.

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