Attention Rally-goers: do you want to win?

Last updated on: August 16, 2017 at 6:32 pm by Jane the Actuary

Attention Rally-goers: do you want to win? 2017-08-16T18:32:48-06:00 Jane the Actuary

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There’s a rally coming up on Saturday the 19th, in Boston, called “Boston Free Speech.” According to the Boston Globe, this is a completely different animal than the mess in Charlottesville in one respect: the security will be massive. No backpacks, no weapons, nothing that can be used as a weapon, such as a large pole — the sort of restrictions that would be applied to a variety of public gatherings on terrorism grounds, even if you weren’t worried about attendees, well, breaking out into a brawl. What’s more, both sides, the Free Speech group and separate “solidarity march,” have legal permits for their activities.

And I’ll be watching — hopefully from on the boat, but I’ll be checking the news to at least some degree. And for all that both sides say they’re peaceful, and they have the best of intentions, I know that there is nonetheless a risk of problems arising.

With that in mind —

Rallygoers, here’s the secret. Here’s how to win the rally:

The side with the most injuries wins.

You need to prove, after all, that your side is nonviolent and unfairly maligned, and the other side is always the instigator, right?

Fighting back will not prove that. That’ll just produce media reports of “both sides fought each other.”

The only way to prove that you’re the innocent and virtuous party is by not fighting back.

Sure, you might end up with a bruise, or needing some stitches. (You might want to do a quick check for the nearest in-network hospital or urgent-care facility, and be sure you have your insurance card with you, before you head out to the rally/march.) Possibly you’ll be worse off than that, but it’s for an important cause — WINNING!

Be sure to hold on to your doctors’ bills, and take some good pictures when you’re dripping in blood from your opponents’ attack, when they prove that they are a bunch of LOSERS who live in their parents’ basements and don’t even have the self-control to make it through the day without succumbing to their LOSER-Y impulses. Agree on a great hashtag and tally up the number of injuries on twitter, then see who comes out ahead.

YOU CAN DO IT! Your opponents are too stupid to restrain themselves. You, on the other hand, are Right (that is, correct) and Moral and far, far Better than they are.

Some hints:

Choose light-colored clothing — all the better to see the blood — and keep your faces visible, so that you can instagram your bloody nose right away. Also, Oxyclean pre-treating spray works well in getting blood out afterwards, but there are no guarantees, so you might want to stop by the thrift store for your rally-going wardrobe.

Weapons will not help your cause. Sure, you might want them for self-defense. BUT YOU ARE NOT DEFENDING YOURSELVES. In fact, weapons can harm your cause because the biased media will claim that you intended to use them to do harm.

Also, leave your cars at home. There will likely be people blocking traffic, and maybe some cops closing streets and redirecting traffic. I’m given to understand that Boston has a snazzy mass transit system. The last think you want is an accident, because the biased media will accuse you of being a car-terrorist. But if you do happen to end up surrounded by protesters from the Other Side, letting your car get smashed and maybe even getting attacked yourself would get you massive bonus points!

Bottom line: you can do it! Go team!

Image: https://pixabay.com/en/gold-trophy-win-winner-first-268640/; public domain.

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protest violence

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