“In health and in health” – a Dear Prudence letter

Last updated on: November 6, 2015 at 6:49 pm by Jane the Actuary

“In health and in health” – a Dear Prudence letter 2015-11-06T13:09:24-06:00 Jane the Actuary

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The following is from Slate’s advice column, Dear Prudence — and, to be honest, some of her letters are so far-fetched that I wonder how often they’re purely invented by the letter-writers, but here goes:

Dear Prudence,
Four years ago, my sweet and loving husband, the awesome father of our three children, was struck down by brain cancer and suffered brain trauma following emergency surgery. I’ve cared for him at home, dealing with the hassles of hospitals, insurance, family drama (his parents blame me for his health issues). He will never recover and he is declining. It is like being married to a 41-year-old Alzheimer’s patient. He does not remember me, our long marriage, or our kids. I’m trying to place him in a nursing home, but there are waiting lists. About a year ago, I met a man who was genuine and kind. As the friendship grew, he began helping with my kids, even helping my husband by playing music and visiting with him. My boyfriend knows I am committed to giving my husband the care he deserves and respects that this is a package deal. Once my husband can be placed in a good facility, I will pursue divorce, while making sure he is properly cared for until he passes on. My boyfriend and I recently found out that, despite using protection, I’m pregnant. We are excited, as once I am legally able, we want to marry. My family is not happy, as in their eyes this is not appropriate, and they have been icing me out. They adored my husband, and have had little chance to get to know my boyfriend, since I live in another state. How can I smooth over my relationship with my family?

—Pregnant Caregiver

Dear Caregiver,
So your in-laws blame you for your husband’s brain cancer, and your own family disapproves of your finding love again while continuing to be the sole caregiver to your desperately ill and disabled husband. You’re wondering how you can smooth relations with your family, while I’m wondering what their appropriate karmic reward should be. It’s a miracle you’ve been able to keep it together, and you deserve all the joy you can wrest out of life. What an amazing man you have found, one who embraces you and your children, and who has stepped up to help you care for your husband. It’s wonderful you are happy about your new addition, but since marriage is a ways off, I think it would make sense for you and your boyfriend to visit a lawyer and clarify your complicated legal situation. You want to make sure your husband is properly cared for even after he is your ex-husband, and you want to make sure your boyfriend is prepared to care for your new child even in the absence of a prompt marriage. As for your family, they deserve nothing but scorn for their attitude, and for apparently not being there to help you provide care for your husband and your suffering children, but I understand you don’t want to create a breach that would be even worse for the kids. I suggest you try to arrange for them to visit the grandparents. Your children need their extended family, and they also need a break from their dying father. Maybe that visit will provide a bridge to better communication. But you do not have time to spend energy on those who aren’t worthy of it. I hope your husband’s end is peaceful, and that your life moving forward is filled with happiness.

—Prudie

Presuming the letter is real, there’s a lot that’s puzzling: did the surgery actually successfully treat the surgery, and just leave him severely mentally disabled? Is he actually dying, or physically disabled? Logistically, how would one divorce a newly-cognitively-disabled spouse? Would there be a court-appointed guardian to look out for his interests? Would she be required to pay “alimony” or even be unable to sever him from the family finances? And, if she did so, would she still be able to, in fact, make sure “he is properly cared for” if she no longer has any legal relationship, or would the law allow her to be a guardian, but no longer a spouse, or would the State pass on the guardianship to his parents, who would presumably place him in a Medicaid nursing home or use whatever funds are at their own disposal?

And, as always, one shouldn’t draw too many conclusions from a single perhaps fictional letter-writer and an advice columnist, but it’s always instructive to read the comments, where there are disputes about whether the wife should have stayed true to her vows, or whether becoming severely mentally disabled in some fashion releases her from the vows, because he either “as good as dead” or in any case, “not the same person.” Certainly, Prudie seems to think that the letter-writer has done nothing wrong. And how far does this go? Under what scenarios is infidelity acceptable — terminal illness, permanent disability, say from an accident, long-term overseas assignment? Or is this scenario just waiting for someone to advocate for polygamy, to allow the woman to marry her new lover while retaining the ties to her current husband?

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