“Forcing your wife to work”? Or sharing the load?

Last updated on: May 12, 2015 at 8:33 pm by Jane the Actuary

“Forcing your wife to work”? Or sharing the load? 2015-05-12T20:33:57-06:00 Jane the Actuary

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

In other news this week (because, remember, I don’t like what’s going on in Iraq, Syria, Yemen, or Garland, any more than you do, but I’m not particularly well-equipped to talk about it): USA Today published an op-ed by one Sean Dunbar, “Why I Won’t Let my Wife Quit her Job,” and The Federalist published a critique, “Modern Feminism Means Forcing Your Wife To Work.”

The quick summary of the former article is that the author’s wife, when pregnant with child number 2, wanted to quit her job and be a stay-at-home mom, and the author, as the title says, wouldn’t “let” her. (Was he really, Promise Keeper-style, saying “I’m the man of the house and I say so”? Presumably the discussions and decision-making were more complex than that.) He says a number of appalling things, such as “I was so afraid of my wife becoming stagnant,” and “I’m just terrified she’ll lose her drive,” and other comments that imply that to be a stay-at-home mom is to surrender any intelligent thoughts, which, of course, the Federalist author, Mollie Hemingway, recoiled at.

But it’s not as simple as that. True, he admits that they’re not financially dependent on both their incomes, but he worries that “if something were to happen to me, she’d have to start over at a much older age,” and says he doesn’t “I don’t want our daughter — or my wife — to ever be in a bad marriage and feel they are stuck because they have no experience, no options or can’t make enough money to sustain themselves.” Both of which are legitimate concerns. And, depending on one’s career, it can be quite easy, or rather difficult, to return after a significant time away from work. And he implies, though he doesn’t state, that her desire to stay at home was not the result of a carefully-considered decision that it’s what’s best for the children, but borne of frustration with specific problems at work at the time.

Dunbar reports a happy ending, of sorts, in that his wife found, it seems, a new job (or maybe a role change at the company) with a fixed 7-4 schedule — not part-time, but still something that allows her to the ability to be home reasonably soon enough to have some more sanity in the late-afternoon early-evening hours that are otherwise a frenzy of daycare-pickup, quick dinner prep and eating, bathtime, storytime, bedtime. (Whether mom bears the burden of an early-morning frenzy and a super-early drop-off, or whether dad handles the morning childcare isn’t stated.)

The story that’s told of mothers, working or staying at home, is that they either choose to pursue a career, or scale back/quit entirely for the sake of their kids or family sanity, or stay at work to support the family. But here’s another piece to the puzzle that Sean and Lauren Dunbar’s story highlights:

In the first place, husband and wife are partners. Whether the family “needs” the wife’s income or not, it is a major decision that impacts the family; sure, you can portray it as a husband bossing around his wife, but it’s not that simple.

And secondly, there are two entirely different perspectives to the question of employment. In some families, it is taken as a given that it’s optional, in some way, for a mother to work, due to a belief that a child is best off being raised by parents rather than hired caregivers of some kind or another (this was, of course, the reason why I have worked part-time since my oldest was born). In others, both-parents-working the default, for the simple reason that (if you’re not troubled by day care centers) there’s no reason why both husband and wife shouldn’t be contributing to the household finances, both sharing the responsibility to support the family. Even in cases where the husband earns a good living, there’s an issue of being responsible and pulling your own weight. Heck, though we’ve struggled through the early years when even working part-time meant for some stressful mornings and nights, my kids are now all in school, and I could, if I had the self-discipline, bump my work hours up to near-full-time without inconveniencing the family too greatly — though now my husband is also earning a comfortable enough living that it’s equally tempting to imagine quitting and spending my days blogging, crafting, exercising, and the like, but it feels wrong to say to my husband, “hey, I know you work long days, but I don’t feel like it any longer”!

Which brings me to the Dutch, and an article in The Economist which repeats what I’ve read in the past, that “in the Netherlands 26.8% of men and 76.6% of women work less than 36 hours a week.” From what I’ve read, a part of the case is that many more professional jobs are open to part-time work (as I’m guessing is the case with the female colleagues I deal with, from the fact that they’re perfectly happy to say about a project, “sorry we didn’t finish; we’ll do that in a couple days” and go home). But these aren’t just moms, let alone moms of small children; Dutch women, it seems (and see the comments, too) have come to expect that, even if they’re not even married, their spouse/boyfriend will contribute more than their fair share so that they can take it easy. Are they lazy? Not pulling their weight?

What do you think?

Uncategorized

Previous Post

May 12, 2015

By the way, an Illinois pension update

Next Post

May 14, 2015 Voting with their feet?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Actuarial/Retirement Issues Politics Uncategorized

Select a Month September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 December 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 August 2021 June 2021 April 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

How did God speak to Moses at the burning bush?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Through wind Through lightning Symbols from the fire By name