Promises I Can Keep, part 2

Last updated on: October 12, 2013 at 11:19 pm by Jane the Actuary

Promises I Can Keep, part 2 2013-10-12T23:19:00-06:00 Jane the Actuary

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Continuing my notes on the book. (See part 1 here.)

Chapter 1:

Beginning with a profile of Antonia Rodriguez (age 28) and boyfriend Emilio (5 years old); they live together in a home they bought 5 years ago (** median price in the neighborhood at the time: $5k). Antonia became a mom at age 14, left school at 15, unemployed and on welfare nearly the whole time since; Emilio also dropped out, one month before graduation. Antonia had moved in with Emilio’s family before she even got pregnant, as her own mom was evicted from her apt. “Despite their youth, Antonia insists she and Emilio had already planned to have children before she got pregnant, but had agreed to wait a year or two so both could get further in school” (p 29), yet they used no contraception.

In Philly, 6 of 10 births are outside of marriage, nearly half of 1st nonmarital births to teens. Why?

Relationships move quickly. Romance comes in the form, not of dreaming of a wedding, but of having children together. “In the beginning, when you first like a guy a lot, oh, you wanna have his baby,” says one mother. (p 30). And the boyfriends tell their girlfriends very quickly that they want to have a baby, too; this is a form of flattery, a compliment, praise that she’d be a good mother — and “the desire to create some sort of significant, long-lasting bond through a child.” Poor teenagers think of motherhood (and fatherhood) at an age when it’s the furthest thing from a middle-class teen’s mind; they have “an unabashed confidence that they’re up to the job of parenting” (p 32), because they’re accustomed to taking care of younger siblings or cousins.

About one in four children are explicitly intentionally conceived (1 in 4 black & Puerto Rican mothers, 1 in 10 whites) — to escape a bad home life, to provide the love of a child.

Here’s a surprising statement: “trust among residents of poor communities is astonishingly low — so low that most mothers we spoke with said they have no close friends, and many even distrust close kin.” (p 34) — making the love of a child all the more desired.

there’s also an expressed desire to get childbearing/raising “out of the way” — and a belief that waiting until age 30 is much too late. And once you’ve got one, you should have another one or two to provide siblings.

There was also pressure from boyfriends — not to have sex, but explicitly to get pregnant.

Beyond the explicitly planned babies, were the non-planned but not-avoided pregnancies — “nearly half (47%) of the mothers characterized their most recent birth as neither planned nor unplanned but somewhere in between.” (p 37). Most of the remainder (40%) said the pregnancy was “accidental” but, a further half of this group said they were not “doing anything to prevent a pregnancy.” And these are women who, not only have access to clinics but start out the relationship using condoms, or the pill or a Depo shot, and further into the relationship stop — either as a sign of commitment, or because of complaints of side effects or hassle.

In addition to the accidentally-on-purpose pregnancies, there are also women who get pregnant because it’s just one more aspect of a “high risk lifestyle” — e.g., using drugs.

“The vigilance and care that most birth control methods require are hard to maintain when women like Tasheika see so few costs to having a baby.” (p 40).

upon learning of the pregnancy, women most typically report that they were happy. Abortion is generally not an option, at least not for a generic unplanned pregnancy, without some further extreme circumstances, and adoption is out of the question.

“unlike their wealthier sisters, who have the chance to go to college and embark on careres — attractive possibilities that provide strong motivation to put off having children — poor young women grab eagerly at the surest source of accomplishment within their reach: becoming a mother.”

“children offer a tangible source of meaning, while other avenues for gaining social esteem and personal satisfaction appear vague and tenuous.” (p 49)

Chapter 2

Profile of Mahkiya Washington (age 20), boyfriend Mike, 17 month-old daughter Ebony, who live with her sister across the street from their mother. Mahkiya’s the 3rd of 5 children born to married parents, but dad died when she was 10. The pair dated in high school; they went to college (though he later dropped out), they had sex without contraception, but with her assurance she’d get an abortion if needed. Upon getting pregnant, though, she felt compelled to keep the child, despite Mike’s pressure to abort, which stopped when Mike’s mother got word. Even though he relented in this, the relationship was still strained, not least because of money worries.

The typical poor expectant mother feels a new obligation to change her behavior, staying away from bars and parties; not so for the future fathers. Despite dreams of fatherhood before the pregnancy, they are likely to respond with shock and trepidation, denying the child is theirs or pressuring the mom into an abortion, or abandoning the girlfriend. In some cases, denials are accompanied with violence, even hitting the mother in the belly.

At the same time, women’s/girls’ expectations are high — wanting him to get serious about finding a job, attending doctors’ visits with her, and performing all the stereotypical “expectant father duties” (e.g., getting a craved food item from the grocery store). These pressures provoke resentment, and the previously “good” boyfriends often begin to stay out late, do drugs, cheat on them. Others become more jealous and controlling, and even abusive. In some cases, though, pregnancy does have the desired effect of bringing a couple closer. (p 59)

after the birth, men often come around — since their lives are also “aimless and relationally impoverished” (p 60). One of the markers is whether they are present of the birth or at least visit the hospital — 7 of 10 fathers meet this standard.

the next marker is whether the mother gives the child the father’s last name, or her own, depending on how supportive he was of her.

Parents’ reactions: most parents are disappointed, having wanted their children not to follow their own path; “but a pregnancy that occurs ‘out of order’ offers another, alternative route to respectability — albeit a slightly tarnished one” (p 65) if the girl achieves goals later on.

Uncategorized

Previous Post

October 12, 2013

From the kindle: Promises I Can Keep: Why Poor Women put Motherhood Before Marriage, by Kathryn Edin and Maria Kefalas

Next Post

October 15, 2013 The "Julia" problem: It's about the men

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Actuarial/Retirement Issues Politics Uncategorized

Select a Month September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 December 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 August 2021 June 2021 April 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

How many days was Jesus dead before the resurrection?

Select your answer to see how you score.

One Three Seven Ten