Self-compassion and regret

Last updated on: August 24, 2012 at 8:08 pm by Janet Davis

Self-compassion and regret 2012-08-24T20:08:00-04:00 Janet Davis

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“I have learned from wiktionary that regret is just intense grief”

I’ve had more than one run in with the painful emotion of regret this week.

I said some unkind words of judgment that I wanted to take back shortly after they came off my tongue.
I unnecessarily criticized a very valid approach in a conversation with a colleague because I had another strategy.
I remained silent when I should have spoken up as my husband and I were considering a sales pitch…. We bought the product and both later regretted that decision.

In all three instances, I felt like a fool.

And, truth be told, I was foolish. I regretted what I had done. But that’s not really new news.

What has been new this week is how I have met my own foolishness… with self-compassion instead of shame, shame, and more shame.

I have learned from the woman at the well to tell the whole truth.

Jesus said to her, “You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.”

It was hard to face that I could be so judgmental and unkind.
It was hard to face my own arrogance and the insecurity evidenced by my critique.
It was hard to say to my husband that I regretted our purchase.

I have learned from the woman caught in adultery that I am not alone in my foolishness.

When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground. At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.

I have learned from wiktionary that regret is just intense grief.

I have learned from Mary of Bethany to let myself feel the pain of loss (even if it’s a loss I’ve created) and connect with Jesus as I do.

When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.

I have learned that self-compassion opens a door for learning that shame keep tightly closed.

So, because I chose self-compassion instead of shame this week, I have also learned:

That I was unkind because I feel badly about some of the choices I made years ago (alas, more griefwork!)
That I am feeling some professional insecurity, still struggling to simply accept what I have to offer that may differ from others.
That I am very vulnerable right now due to my ongoing pain and the medications I take to mitigate it.

Not a bad wisdom harvest for a week that could have been characterized only by regret…

When have you felt regret? Have you gone to shame or self-compassion? What have you learned?

woman caught in adultery

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