Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Evangelical
Why a free gift almost cost a friendship

Why a free gift almost cost a friendship

Last updated on: January 5, 2019 at 11:16 am by Brad Vaughn

Why a free gift almost cost a friendship 2019-01-05T11:16:20-07:00 Brad Vaughn

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Understanding theory is critical for solving all sorts of problems and grasping how things work holistically; however, nothing compares to seeing how ideas work in practice. After the Patronage Symposium, I posted a few articles on reciprocity, gift-exchange, etc., especially since those topics are major ideas within honor-shame cultures. Previously, I’ve discussed John Barclay’s groundbreaking work on grace and gift-giving in the ancient world.

Today, I want to share a story sent to me from a reader. It is so worth your time. His testimony illustrates how reciprocity and gift-giving work in practice. For previous posts on patronage and collectivism, see Part 1, Part 2.

A Free Gift!?

“You shouldn’t try to be my friend; rather, you should treat me like a beggar because that’s what I am,” were the words I heard from my friend, whom I had initially met on the street a few weeks earlier.

He went on to explain how the previous lunch we had shared together was a burden to him. He used a phrase in the East Asian language that literally means “to slap one’s face until it’s swollen in an effort to look imposing.” In other words, he had intentionally done more than he realistically was able to do in an effort to look good, thereby hurting himself in the process.

Credit: Public Domain

So, what exactly happened?

Well, after the first time I took him out to lunch to hear his story, we went out to lunch a second time. However, that second time, he paid for our meal. At the time, I had no expectation that he would pay, but I let him anyway because he insisted on it, even though I knew he didn’t have the means to do so.

One aspect of the East Asian culture and other cultures built upon honor-shame dynamics is that relationships are founded upon gift-giving, reciprocity, and gratitude. Since I initiated a relationship by taking him out to lunch, he felt a natural obligation to treat me to lunch the next time in order to show that he wanted to continue the relationship.

Unfortunately, he suffered the loss of money he didn’t have to give in order to preserve our relationship and not experience the overbearing weight of anxiety and shame caused by social debt to me.

How do I love these people?

As you might imagine, I was initially quite frustrated upon hearing that my friend no longer wanted to be my friend. I mean—how can I love the people of this culture and share God’s love with them, particularly those of a lower social standing than myself, if the current socio-cultural rules prevent me from having any sort of meaningful relationship with them? Do I just plain give up, or do I blatantly ignore the rules and thereby cause people to experience unnecessary anxiety and shame?

Fortunately, I believe this is a wonderful opportunity for the gospel to restore the prevailing cultural norms to those of God’s kingdom culture. After all, directed at a Pharisee who had invited him to dine at his home, Jesus said,

“But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you” (Luke 14:13-14, ESV).

In other words, in the kingdom of God, it is the shamed and those of low social status who are honored.

Nonetheless, this countercultural approach to ministry should always be done with careful consideration, and a clear reason as to why should be given. In this situation, I can’t find a more compelling reason than Paul’s statement,

“For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 6:23, ESV).

Praise God that the free gift of His grace enables us to freely give to others!

Do you have any similar stories? Post them in the comments or send me an email: JacksonWu [at] hushmail.com

Previous Post

December 31, 2018

Responding to Rumors and Rumblings about the Chinese Church

Next Post

January 9, 2019 Relating All the Stories within the Grand Biblical Story

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Atonement Biblical Theology Book Reviews China Chinese Church Chinese Culture Chinese Language Collectivism Contextualization Culture (General) Ecclesiology Evangelism Gospel Honor & Shame (Face) Interpretation/Exegesis Justification/Righteousness Missiology Mission Methods One Gospel for All Nations Other Practical Contextualization Reading Romans with Eastern Eyes Resources Romans Salvation (General) Saving God's Face Seeking God's Face The Cross in Context Theological Contextualization Theological Education Theology Uncategorized

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Which Christian denomination is most common in Russia?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Baptist Methodist Catholic Eastern Orthodox

Books by This Author Books by Brad Vaughn

See All Titles »