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Dear America: You’re In An Abusive Relationship

Dear America: You’re In An Abusive Relationship

Last updated on: October 19, 2016 at 12:40 pm by Erin Wathen

Dear America: You’re In An Abusive Relationship 2016-10-19T12:40:42-07:00 Erin Wathen

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My beloved America. This is an intervention.

This is a hard thing to say, so I’m just going to get right to it: You are in an abusive relationship.

I’m sorry if it hurts you to hear that, and I hope that someday you will be able to forgive me for being so direct. It’s only because I love you, and I can’t bear to see you hurt anymore.

This guy you’ve been seeing… He is dangerous. He threatens you with violence. He lies to you about your friends and family, trying to isolate you so that he can have more control. He tells you that you’re beautiful, and that he can do anything he wants to you… And then he decides, on second thought, you are too fat and ugly for him to touch you.

And then when he wants you again you feel so grateful, you will never leave. This is his plan.

He intimidates you. He tells you that he has the money, makes the money, that you will never make it without him. He makes you doubt yourself at every turn. He manipulates every conversation and evades every question you ask, until you are so turned around and uncertain, you aren’t even sure what you were talking about. But it isn’t your fault. He is a narcissist who feeds off of your insecurity. This is how he makes you small, so he can feel bigger.

And then he whispers these things to you… “If you don’t stay with me, something terrible will happen to your children,” he says. And he somehow makes it sounds like a sweet promise, in the moment. Although, when you think about it later, you realize it was maybe a threat.

chains

When you want to make a point, or challenge him, he just gets louder and louder until you give up. Because being with him, day in day out, has left you with not much energy for anything like fighting back. Or leaving.

So, I see you, is what I wanted to say. I see you shrinking, and consenting to things that you–the “you” I know–would never, ever think are ok. I see you making apologies, even excuses for him. You say things like “that’s not really what he’s like,” and “you don’t know him like I do.” But what I want to tell you is… that’s exactly what he’s really like. I do know him. I see him for exactly what he is, and I hope and pray that someday you can too.

I’ve been so angry with you, America. I’ve been so seething, heart-racing, mind-bending mad at you. Because I love you, and I can’t stand to see someone do this to you. But I’m done being mad. I’m done resenting you for what you cannot see, for buying the lies and letting this bully change who you are. I’m done blaming you. What I want to say to you is that you are loved. You are not alone. And if you want help, it is available. You don’t have to take this anymore.

You don’t have to vote for him. And you certainly don’t have to make his excuses.

October is domestic violence awareness month. While this post is political in nature, I do not in any way mean to take away from the real and terrifying nature of actual abuse, nor do I want to conflate physical abuse with that which is emotional and psychological. But I do want to shine a light on the ways in which the GOP Presidential nominee has employed textbook tactics of abusive men; and the ways in which his candidacy has triggered visceral reactions in women who are survivors of all kinds of abuse. Nearly 1 in 3 women will be a victim of intimate partner violence in her lifetime, and nearly 1 in 5 will be victims of sexual assualt. It is important to point out the ways in which his public behavior condones, even encourages, the men who engage in this sort of behavior behind closed doors.

Having this kind of presence accepted on a national, very public stage is dangerous to women. Whether we are talking about men who live in your home, or the men who come after us on Twitter when we speak out against misogyny–these are his people. These are the men he rallies. The rest of us need to stop making excuses for him, and stop enabling the culture that he promotes. For my part, I’m trying to stop blaming the victim. Because when I hear these women trying to excuse or explain away his behavior, that’s exactly what I see: victims. Other men in their lives have shaped their perception that this is acceptable, so maybe it is not fair to blame them. My anger is misguided, and I am reminding myself–mindful of victims of all kinds–where that outrage really ought to be directed.

Meanwhile, if you are in an abusive relationship and need help, please know this: it is not your fault. You are not alone. There is help. Here are some resources, if you or someone you love is in need of assistance. Please reach out today.

National Resources

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Women of Color Network

National Domestic Violence Hotline

VINElink, Victim Notification

In the Kansas City Area, call:

Safehome

Rose Brooks Center

Northland Synergy Services

In Kentucky

The Kentucky Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Center for Women and Families

In the Phoenix Area:

New Life Center

In the Boston Area:

Victims Rights Law Center (with links to resources in other areas)

The Network La Red (for lesbian, bisexual and transgender women)

Asian Task Force Against Domestic Violence

Don’t see what you need here? I know counselors, social workers and ministers all over the country, so send me a private message on my Facebook page, and I will try to connect you with someone who can help.

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